Existential Angst: Am I an imposter?

Evidence suggests that artists as a species are more prone to feelings of existential agony than us lesser mortals. Some have even gone so far as to proclaim that their angst drives their creative energies. But while artists may train themselves to creatively harness their inner neuroses, what happens to everyone else? In the comptetive, survival-of-the-fittest world that is our reality today, most conscientious beings are, in fact, prone to the woes of self-doubt.

People are frequently required to showcase their talents, and this exhibitionism invariably arouses feelings of insufficiency, and in extreme cases, worthlessness. Interestingly, the fairer of the sexes are more prone to such unfairly damaging inner thoughts. It is startling, however, that women who are high-achievers and excel in various fields weigh themselves down more often than other people do. Is this existential agony left untamed, and why would women have more of it?

I recently attended a lecture by Dr. Valerie Young entitled “How to feel as bright and capable as everyone seems to think you are”. Agreed, it sounds like a self-help class (bordering on the verge of pathetic, you say?). In my defense, I am obliged to inform the reader that after spending a tedious ten hours in a Biology lab, one is attracted by all the self-help lectures one can help oneself to. Rather hesitantly, I entered this class and wondered whether the others in the audience were as desperate for entertainment as I was. To my surprise, the crowd consisted of mostly young women, almost all graduate students, ranging from Social Sciences to Medicine. They all looked extremely bright and capable; women that you would think of when you picture a “career woman”. But when Dr. Young proceeded to ask the audience how many people thought they were not really as intelligent as others thought they were, ALL hands went up (including the scanty population of men present in the room – men seem to be better at fooling themselves – No, really, that’s what she said). Surprised? Even better is the fact that there is a term for this phenomenon; it’s called “the Imposter Syndrome”.

This “syndrome” was first described in 1978 by two psychotherapists Pauline Clance and Suzanne Imes. They found that successful women had high levels of self-doubt and were unable to enjoy their successes. Rather, they attributed their achievements to chance, luck or some random event that led to accomplishments in their chosen fields. What’s more disturbing is that this insecurity extends to personal dimensions as well.

To the average observer, this may seem ridiculously impossible, since all successful people are supposedly “tough”, and the two phenomena are not dissociable. This most certainly is due to societal conditioning, whereby we are trained to mask our insecurities to appear untroubled. A critic would quickly point out that the type of people who are most likely to attend such a self-help talk are of the “weaker” variety to begin with, and so the population is not representative of women in general. That is certainly a possibility; however, epidemiological data for anxiety disorders suggests that they are far more prevalent in women than men, and female reproductive hormones may contribute to this effect. It is possible that the “Imposter Syndrome” represents one facet of a generalized anxiety disorder, thus explaining the gender bias.

That brings us to the million dollar question: what instigates the development of such negative inner thoughts? Maybe it can be attributed to the fact that women are embracing non-traditional roles, while still struggling to accomplish traditional goals. The situation may be exacerbated by the fact that high-achieving women are also the types who strive to be ‘Super-woman’. Internally, we all would like to be the perfect home-maker, the perfect wife, the perfect mom, and the perfect employee.

At any rate, as I sat in that room, I realized that this was a serious problem that could hinder the role of women in society. Women today are employed at top-notch positions in various fields, and the fact that these women are secretly unstable is not very encouraging. Its time we realize the problem and try to tackle it. Perhaps Albert Camus had it right all along; in his words, ‘An achievement is a bondage. It obliges one to a higher achievement’. What we need to do is break the bondage, unveil ourselves, and enjoy the sunshine once in a while.