Finding My Feet in London

I did not have any illusions when I left my banking job in Karachi and packed my bags for London to study further. However, one cannot stop the inquisitive question of relatives and friends, sole purpose of which is to get a glimpse of the debauched life I am living in London. All the questions revolve around my girl friends. I don’t go as far as doctoring pictures adding girls beside me and in my lap. But the questions just don’t stop.

Finally, I answered them. I told them that when I got off the Airplane at Heathrow Terminal, seven girls were waiting for me in cheer leader uniforms complete with pom poms, chanting my name, and having each alphabet of my name tattooed on their butts. Surprisingly, the questions stopped. I hope it was because they thought of me as a hard nut to crack. Otherwise I would need to get hold of some cheer leader pictures and learn Photoshop.

Despite being well read and having a realistic (neither optimistic nor pessimistic) outlook, I was not prepared for London. First step was to find an accommodation. In Pakistan, the classification of luxury or super luxury apartments/houses is based on the size of the rooms. Bathrooms were rarely mentioned as an attached bathroom is assumed with each room. In London, luxury is measured by number of bathrooms in the house or a flat. Sometimes a house would have only one bathroom. It was here that I realized there is no such thing as ‘plain vanilla’ flat (excuse my banking terminology). You have a room share, flat share, house share, studio flat with shared toilet, studio (en suite), bed sits, garages etc. and to top it all off, all of these places come as with w/m or without w/m (with washing machine or without washing machine for the uninitiated). The housing guides will provide you with a clear distinction between each type of accommodation but once you start searching for a place, you realize that there is no universal definition. What can I say about size of these places? Arshad Khan put it beautifully when he comments on the dorm size when Sanjay Dutt moves in (in Munna Bhai MBBS), “Bhai! What sort of room is this? It ended before it started”. You wouldn’t believe it but people are living in en-suite studios of the size you would not want your grave to be; but you won’t have a choice then since you will already be dead.

I had heard of sound proof housing in Pakistan where the noise of one room does not go to other rooms. In London, there is a different concept: houses are sound emitting. I don’t know what sort of building materials is used here but it’s not cement because the sole purpose of walls here is to absorb any sound created in one room, amplify it hundred times and broadcast it in all directions. While sitting in my room, I can clearly hear how many times my next door neighbour is turning the key in the key hole. We shifted in this apartment when earthquake had just happened in Pakistan. The first few days, we were awakened by frightening rumblings of an earthquake which we later realized was our neighbour getting up on the wrong side of the bed. When we use the washroom, we are very careful and some times even turn on water taps unnecessarily. It’s a precautionary step to prevent digestive sounds from broadcasting in CD quality throughout the neighbourhood.

In bathrooms, wash basins have two taps. Boiling hot water flows out of one and ice cold water from the other and both are located at opposite ends of wash basin. There is no way to mix the water before it comes out and you can’t put your hand under either tap as water is at extreme temperatures. The way to use it is to clog the sink and collect water in it at required temperature. By using and reusing the water in the basin, wash your hands and face. I would rather be buried in an en-suite studio than to cleanse myself this way.

What I don’t get is why there are so many pre-programmed settings on these automatic washing machines when all we need to use is C or was it D. And if it ruins my wash, to hell with it. I am not going to waste my time figuring out such an elementary thing as a washing machine after the effort I have put in separating colour clothes from whites. Once when washing the colours, I forgot to wash a navy blue pair of socks. So I decided to wash it with whites. What difference a pair of navy blue socks can make? All the difference in the world! All my white and light t-shirts have dark blue/black stains on them like I am a motor mechanic. Thank god for London. It looks great when I wear these shirts with my wasted blue jeans. Everyone at school thinks that it is some high street designer wear. Had it been Pakistan, they would have realized what a stupid sod I have been and even our servant’s son would have refused to wear it.

Despite enjoying the freedom status of a bachelor and student, one still misses the financial freedom of being on the job. Back home, I could eat and treat others to as much food as possible without ever having to worry about money. When eating kebab rolls at Khadda Market in Karachi, I never counted. One roll, two rolls, what the hell, give me two more (take away) in case I feel hungry when I reach home. In London, the student budget allows only one shawarma which is no doubt healthy and light. Healthy and light I have come to realize are synonyms for unfulfilling. The trick is to relish each bite (or at least pretend to do so) and chew it for longer periods believing that it would somehow increase in quantity if you chew it for longer periods.

In Pakistan, when someone repeatedly did not go straight home from work, it was assumed and rightly so that he was running from his home due to trouble with his wife, mother or kids at home. In London, we have pubs which are sort of an institution. Nobody goes home directly. They drop by local pub, both men and women, and drink a few glasses. On Friday, drinking starts in the afternoon as Friday lunch is known as Liquid Lunch based on…. you guessed it, drinks. It is followed by binge drinking on weekend evenings. How can people drink so much and where it goes is a mystery to me. I sometimes accompany friends to pubs but since I don’t drink alcohol, its usually orange juice or coke for me. I can not drink more than two small glasses yet people gulp down glass after glass of alcohol (and this glass is the size of a jug in Pakistan). At the school, we have a “Liquidity Seminar” every fortnight where we discuss the monetary policy (yeah right!).

The weather is absolutely ridiculous. Nobody enjoys the rain here. It rains a lot and can rain anytime. In Pakistan, if it rains (which is quite rare in Karachi), we would be standing on roofs or streets. However since coming here, I have started to hate rains and find myself running for shelter. People don’t leave home without watching weather forecasts. I was surprised to see that the weatherman spends considerable time forecasting weather of UK and most of the time he is right. In Pakistan, neither it rains when the PTV weatherman says it would nor does he spend enough time on the national weather always rushing to “Pakistan kay parhosi mumalik ka mausam”. If the weatherman here says that it will rain today, be sure to take your umbrella because no matter how sunny the day has been, as soon as you put your foot outside, it will start raining. And the sun will set at 4 pm. Can you imagine looking outside in the evening and finding a dark night? It’s very depressing. I am reminded of Mushtaq Ahmed Yusufi’s book wherein he wrote, “Had weather of Britain been not this bad, the British would have never thought of conquering the world (in search of four seasons).”

There are lot of other issues on which I can write such as mobile phones, travelling, etc. but this would suffice for now. I know West has a well functioning society, efficient systems and quality of life and blah blah blah. The purpose of this article is just to present a fresh desi perspective before I become one of those westernized desis who when returns after spending a few years abroad complains incessantly about lack of civic culture in Pakistan, inefficient systems and blah blah blah. And before some of you fumingly jump in, it is not at all about immorality of the west, hypocrisy of the rest or vice versa or whether Pakistan is a bastion of Islam or a Land of the pure etc etc.