Welcome to Desiwood

The indomitable love triangle reigns supreme. The same plot is twisted and flogged by fame thirsty directors into barely different storylines, and sold to any willing zombies all over the world. Take a closer look, every new movie that you pay to rent or watch in “desi” theatre has a guy shaking his rear in it. God forbid if it isn’t in sync with the music in any sequence. In essence, its the same thing someone would be quick to point out as Queer or Gay in a Hollywood movie.

The sad Indian and Pakistani public is the victim of this senseless battle of one-upmanship. The movies of these horribly low magnatudes, seem to be churned out for the sake of flashy clothes, irrelevant dreams, cheesiest lyrics, pathetic dialogues, and a couple chasing each other in a green field scattered with trees, while they change clothes miraculously every five seconds. They copied Hollywood since the dawn of movie making industry in the subcontinent. Then something happened, and America stopped making musicals and moved on to a better movie format. The subcontinenters stayed stuck in the fourties, and infact are still stuck in the same format today. The fact is, Bollywood and this Lollywood dont even come close to ground realities.

(Yes it is logical to assume that Bollywood and Lollywood have no differences. They are the same exact thing! Hence we will now refer to both lowly cinema industries as Desiwood. Besides why someone would actually argue there is a difference between Indian and Pakistani movies is beyond me. Also as a side note, it further tangles the medulla oblongata to think why a particular Pakistani would celebrate the 14th of August complete with fireworks and everything…only to go home to the family and spending the night watching an Indian movie with them?)

Hollywood films, on the other hand, though some do have weird storylines, reflect emotions, feelings, sentiments and scenarios which one can relate to and empathize with. If none of the above, then they amplify sheer and raw creativity. Ample proof is available in the fact that movies such as ‘Jurassic Park’ and ‘Last of the mohicans’ have been dubbed into urdu and hindi due to popular demand. Something like Minority Report or A Beautiful Mind will not come out of desi cinema, simply because they are a product of out-of-the-box thinking. It is my belief, that unlike Hollywood, which markets the story and adds the frills, these sad desi directors and producers market the frills and then add the story.

If we were to say that Hollywood were an innovative product wrapped in beautiful wrapping paper, Desiwood is a used condom cardboard box wrapped in a sub-standard wrapping paper. Yes, you guessed it, my ignorant Desiwood movie loving friends....the selling point is the wrapping paper, not even the box!

By now, it is evident to the consumer that Hollywood, has much more to offer than its subcontinent counterparts. With the advent of Hollywood, the desi “movie-goer” has been liberated from the manacles, which tethered him to the same old storylines that are the trademarks of a Desiwood movie. There is a chance now, to shed the mental slavery of mediocrity.

At one time, Hollywood, in the subcontinent, was a novelty. Since the international giants of media (Warner Bros., Columbia, Tristar) realized that Pakistan and India were a potentially enormous market, a gulf of all kinds of western entertainment has reached their shores. With access to something superior, something better, something actually “enjoyable”, the desi consumer is no longer forced to while away his precious time on meaningless, dull and boring Bollywood and Lollywood rubbish! Yet they still do. Which puzzles and bedazzles a logical mind when one realizes, for starters, that even the names of the entire industries (lolly and bolly) is literally Plagirized!

Hopefully, the directors back home can figure out ways to make things that actually make sense. Or atleast something that moves people, and inspires them in a way only a good science fiction movie does, for example. Develop the ability to think perhaps, and the ability to inspire might just follow that automatically. Surely there is no lack of talent among the writers of the songs from Desiwood. The lyrics in deep Urdu (the language of choice among premiere song writers in the subcontinent) and their meanings, and the musical compilation of some of the music is self evident as it is. The powers that be, must realize that at some point or another, they need to reach audiences that aren’t rickshaw drivers or taxi drivers.

It is nothing to be proud of when one movie out of a region of billion plus goes to an award show, ultimately being beaten by some movie maker from … Bosnia was it? (that’s the point, even that in a category that no one remembers). Or the epitomy when an Desiwood actress appears in a soap commercial in America (not to mention her voice dubbed because she can’t speak proper English), the excitement level rises among the zombies. It is sad.

And seriously, who the in their right mind has the time to spend 3½ hours in a movie theatre? Unless ofcourse if its a film from the trilogy of Lord of the Rings, then its another story. Besides, why watch the carbon copy when you have the original?