Unfaithfully Yours

While I was studying the dynamics of extra-marital affairs as a psychotherapist, I learned from some of my male patients that many such affairs started when the wife was pregnant. This had been noted by Alfred Kinsey in his work on human sexuality and I wanted to further explore the issue in my own practice.

I hoped to meet a man whose wife was pregnant for the first time so that I could study this phenomenon in depth. Adam was one such individual. He had initially come to see me regarding his panic disorder, which made it impossible for him to work. After a few months of individual and group therapy, he felt better and went back to work. His panic attacks were in control and his weekly appointments were reduced to once a month as he had significantly improved.

Then out of blue he called to set up a crisis appointment. I thought his panic disorder might have become worse but that was not the case. He stated he was having a marital problem and was too embarrassed to discuss it with anyone else. I felt honored to be recipient of his trust but was curious about the problem. I wondered what the secret was that he could not share with his wife, his colleagues, or even his best friends.

Staring at the floor, embarrassed, he shared that as his wife’s pregnancy advanced, he had become less interested in her sexually and more interested in other women. Every week his condition worsened. He reached a point where he was tempted daily to have sex with other women and had to masturbate regularly to get rid of his tension and temptation.

Every week I listened to him and offered him support so that he could resist his temptations. I had met his wife, a charming and loving woman. I did not want his behaviour to damage their marriage. I was impressed by his struggles and his honesty. He was determined not to have an extra-marital affair and held on to his wedding band for dear life, but to resist those temptations was not easy for him.

When his wife was nine months pregnant and was admitted to hospital because of complications, I interviewed him as he had not been intimate with his wife for the last six months and his temptations to have an extra-marital affair were at their climax. I am presenting some excerpts from my interview with Adam to highlight the struggles of a husband who wants to remain faithful to his wife but is not finding it easy. I was impressed by his honesty.

INTERVIEW WITH ADAM

Q: Thank for agreeing for this interview. I wanted to discuss how your wife’s pregnancy has affected you psychologically Give me an idea of how long have you been married and for how long you have known each other.

A: We have been married for three years but in total we have been together for seven years. Through the course there has been the usual ups and downs that any relationship goes through. After a year of marriage I decided to split for a few months. I called it post-marital cold feet. Some people have cold feet before the marriage, but I had that after the marriage. To be honest with you, during that time I had two affairs.

Q: How long did they last?

A: One lasted about four to five days. The other one lasted maybe three or four weeks.

Q: And you slept with both of them?

A: Yeah. After the second affair I had a weird realization. One
night I just sat back and asked myself, “Is this the life I really want, screwing around all the time or I can go back home to my wife where my life is stable?” So I came home where I had my dogs, I had my family and everybody was happy. So once that dawned on me, I approached my wife Eve and asked her to forgive me and luckily, she agreed to try to save our marriage.

Strangely enough our marriage seemed to be better after the affairs. To be quite honest with you, it seemed to have more of a spark for me. I seemed to have let go of some of the curiosity of what it was like to be single again. So although society’s vision of it would be a negative thing, there are positive things that society won’t admit about an affair. Do you know what I mean? Because it allows individual to explore what they may think is greener on the other side; but in fact when they are on the other side it’s not that green and they realize what they had and what they should have kept. In my particular situation like I said, I’m lucky because Eve was willing to take me back, was willing to try and she loved me unconditionally. So I was lucky in that sense.

Q: You had mentioned that you people had had some difficulty getting pregnant.

A: Yeah we tried to get pregnant for about a year. At first, I guess for about six months of trying to get pregnant, it was a lot of fun because we were just having sex all the time. We tried different things to spice it up—you know, the lingerie, sexual toys and different fantasies and stuff like that. After six months it became hard, it wasn’t fun anymore. It became a chore. She used to say, “Let’s have sex because it is the right temperature.” Or she would say, “We cannot have sex today, we need to wait so that the sperm count increases.”

We also needed the exact position and as soon as I ejaculated I was supposed to prop my back up so that the sperm travelled further. Sex was no longer spontaneous and enjoyable. It was more of a job.

Q: Did you need medical help to get pregnant?

A: After she couldn’t get pregnant she saw a gynaecologist who her on a medication. Unfortunately she had side effects in the form of fibroids and multiple cysts. She also became really emotional and used to cry daily. So sex went from this erotic awesome sex for the first six months, to three months when it felt like work, to the last three months when having sex was just like you never wanted to bother because she was crying.

Q: But finally she became pregnant.

A: Finally I told her after a year, let’s stop trying and throw away the thermometer and let’s be loving and spontaneous. That’s when she became pregnant.

Q: You had spent some money during this process?

A: Yes, thousands of dollars as the tests and procedures were not covered by OHIP.

Q: What was the reaction when both of you found out she was pregnant?

A: She was completely ecstatic, very happy and joyful. My reaction was very reserved. I didn’t want to tell anybody. I didn’t want to get over-excited. If I did get excited, I tried to suppress it. There were many reasons for that. Being a health care professional, I knew it was not uncommon in such cases to have a spontaneous abortion. So I didn’t want to set myself up a letdown. Now my wife is nine months pregnant and I am excited but it is different than the excitement she feels.

Q: How much is the excitement because you want to become a father and how much is it for Eve’s sake?

A: That is a very good question. For me, to become a father or not become a father was the same. So my wish was 50% but her wish was 100%. For me to adopt a child would be as satisfying as having a biological child.

Q: You told me earlier that as your wife’s pregnancy evolved, your temptation to have an affair increased as well. Can you share with me your feelings?

A: Oh, yeah. I was always attracted to women who were physically fit. I never dated a woman who weighed more than 120 pounds. I never found a pregnant woman attractive whether it is my wife or any other woman. I had no interest in having sex with my pregnant wife. It occurred from three months onwards. I used to give her all kinds of lame excuses.

Q: For example?

A: I used to say I was afraid my penis would hit the fetus. I knew it was not true but it was an acceptable excuse. I haven’t had sex with my wife for the last six months.

Q: How did that affect your relationship with other women?

A: Now I cannot keep my eyes off any woman, even those women that I would not have found attractive in normal circumstances. Now I look for attractive things about them: their eyes, their hair, their teeth, their shape of body, their breasts, the way they talk and flirt. I have become extremely flirtatious in the last six months, at work and in bars. Maybe it’s just that my hormones are very active. But it is an interesting thing that although I could go home with some of those women, I have not gone to that extent yet.

Q: What do you mean by “yet”?

A: It is a constant temptation.

Q: What stops you from taking the next step?

A: I don’t take off my wedding ring. If I were to take off my wedding ring, I could have, without being conceited, taken a couple of girls home. I used to think my wedding ring would be a deterrent for them, but it isn’t. Some women like my ring because it means to them that there would be no strings attached.

Q: It seems you have become more seductive.

A: Yes, I flirt with them more and they respond more seductively. There is more joking around that can always be taken to the next step. Sometimes I receive seductive and flirtatious emails from women.

Q: And how do you respond?

A: I beat around the bush. I don’t say Yes but I don’t say No either. I leave the door open, in case I change my mind in the future.

Q: You mentioned earlier that your relationship with the Internet changed in the last few months.

A: I am ashamed about that aspect of my life but I promised myself to be fully honest with you so I will share the truth. I surf the Internet and enter all kinds of chat rooms. There are girls who want to strip for me on the camera. They want to have cyber sex. It’s bloody wild out there. To be honest I’m a bit addicted to it now. After work I go regularly to cyber sex. On the Internet both parties can say or do things they would never say or do face to face. One can easily go crazy. I am not proud of it but it is a reality. I indulge in it when Eve isn’t around.

Q: Are you nervous she will find out?

A: Yes, I am nervous. If I am caught, there will be no way to deny it. It is like a kid who sneaks out of the window to go to a party. He knows he will be in deep shit if he’s caught but it is more fun because he sneaks out. So I get a sneaky excitement too.

Q: Do you masturbate more often now?
A: Yes, I feel horny all the time. If I do not masturbate regularly I am afraid my testicles will explode. I know many women who are ready to have sex with me as their marriages are in trouble.

Q: Does that cause doubts in your mind about your own marriage.

A: The last six months have opened up a Pandora’s Box in my mind. I ask myself,
Why am I married?
How do I know Eve is the right woman for me?

I know I can always leave and offer Eve financial support for my child and see it on the weekends. But I think of my two brief affairs and I remember the initial excitement after which I came back to a loving and stable home. In a strange way my previous affairs help me stay faithful to my life. They make me aware that the grass is not greener on the other side. I know I have a nice home, nice job, nice wife and a nice future. I do not want to risk all that.

Q: Any last comment?

A: I think it is a sad reality for most men that even when they have a beautiful faithful wife at home, they are still interested in other women. It is our bloody nature. It is sad but it is a reality.

Q: What do you hope for yourself?

A: I hope that after my wife has the child, she will go back to her normal self and I will get interested in her sexually again and enjoy my marriage and not be interested in other women. I hope this is just a phase because she’s pregnant. If I don’t find her attractive again, I will be in deep trouble.
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When I reflected upon the interview with Adam, I realized that Adam was very open and honest about his dilemma as a husband. He shared his temptations and his struggles not to act on them. He is different than other husbands who are in constant denial about their feelings to others as well as to themselves.

Adam highlighted that for him, having two brief affairs had some positive aspects that society is not willing to acknowledge. I am also aware that he is talking from a man and husband’s point of view. Many women might ask him if he would have been as forgiving as his wife and taken her back if she had had two brief affairs while they were temporarily separated. Would he still love her as wholeheartedly and unconditionally as she loves him?

Adam also wanted to emphasize that since he had been unfaithful twice in the past, those affairs make him think twice before he decides to leave the present marriage. He has realized that the grass is not necessarily greener on the other side of the fence.

Adam’s story highlights the struggles of lovers and couples. Adam, like many other men, struggles with the temptations available in an open and permissive society where women are free to offer and enjoy cyber sex and have affairs with married men, thinking that there are no strings attached. For some of them free sex is better than committed sex.

It is a social reality that in many countries and communities, sex, like alcohol, gambling and prostitution, is freely available. So both men and women need more inner than outer control to follow their hearts and minds and honour their own morals and ethics regarding loving relationships.

Adam’s story also focuses on the struggles of all human beings, men and women, from all cultures, to find a balance between their need to be free and the need to be part of a loving relationship. It is the conflict between freedom and intimacy and it is universal. Each person, couple and culture tries to resolve in their own unique way.

For me as a psychotherapist, it was a surprise to meet so many men who had those feelings, although most of them were not as honest as Adam. Unfortunately most wives are not aware of this phenomenon. Many Eves live in the dark not knowing the reality of their married life. It is still a taboo to talk about those feelings in a marriage. Over the years I have tried to help many Adams. During therapy they learnt to deal with their sexual drives and try to resolve their conflicts with their partners. I asked them that if they could not be faithful, then they needed to be honest with their spouses and leave the marriage and be single and not make promises they could not keep. I have also helped many wives cope with those difficult and painful situations.

In the end the question for all of us is, “Are we going to be ostriches or we are ready to face the reality, the truth?” As a psychotherapist I will look forward to hearing from other men how they felt sexually when their wives were pregnant, and from women who found out during their pregnancy that their husbands were unfaithful and how they coped with such dilemmas because it might help me in helping others in similar situations.