Imposter Syndrome and Emotional Concavity

Why is it that most women seem to suffer from low self esteem and insecurity while most men seem to think they are the best thing since sliced bread? Does genetic makeup have something to do with it? Are we programmed to feel that we are never good enough for some reason that has to do with the betterment of ‘man’kind (sic)? Or is it the way we are programmed as a gender? Maybe the only way to make room for mens’ huge egos is to hollow out our own self esteem and make ourselves emotionally concave.

I recently diagnosed myself as a sufferer of the ‘Imposter Syndrome’. First discussed in a 1978 paper by Dr. Pauline Clance and Dr. Suzanne Imes, the syndrome refers to an inability to internalize success. In other words, feeling like a fraud. Usually external proof of achievement and success is disregarded and attributed to factors such as luck, timing, or having ‘fooled’ others into thinking they were smarter than they actually are. I wasn’t surprised to find that this syndrome is much more common in women than in men.

Being a psychological hypochondriac (I am also Obsessive Compulsive and Bipolar) is a full time job. It’s also better than being a regular hypochondriac because I don’t actually fool myself into thinking I have a physical ailment that could kill me, and it gives me yet another reason to justify feelings of being a misfit. But all psychological diagnoses are not harmless (not even the self administered ones). If you actually suffer from one of these things it can paralyse your life in some way, and keep you from living up to your potential.

How can the Imposter Syndrome can possibly harm me, one might ask. It seems harmless enough, and is interesting enough for me to keep chewing on for a while till I diagnose myself with mild anorexia nervosa. It can, however, be worse. Perhaps even a psychological form of the physical damage anorexia causes. I am, in fact, starving myself of the pleasure and pride that I need to derive from my work in order to become better at it. In essence I am depriving myself of the psychological nutrition I need in order to grow emotionally, professionally, and on so many other levels.

To illustrate this point I’ll give you an example of a time when I was asked to make a minor adjustment in one of my projects at work, the sort of thing that comes up in working life quite frequently. Another person would have brushed it off and changed around a few things according to the bosses requirements. A person who suffers from Imposter Syndrome is a different ballgame altogether. As their biggest fear is of being ‘found out’, a minor criticism can take up gargantuan proportions in their head and they can start feeling the familiar pangs of inadequacy (‘I knew I was never good enough and now I’ve been found out’), which can at times lead to giving up (or at least low morale) instead of trying again till they succeed. This can put sufferers at a great disadvantage in the long run.

This also illustrates the root cause of the Syndrome to be perfectionism (which is a trait of the sort of people who have the Imposter Syndrome, and is also apparently prevalent among people with several other psychological disorders, including anorexia). For a trait that is the root of such psychological havoc, perfectionism sure is overrated. Maybe we should try to find a way teach our kids to accept their imperfections as humans and yet to do the best that they can.

The fact that women are more likely to have these feelings leads to the question: Are girls being raised with higher standards of perfection and less leeway than boys? Do women find it harder to internalize success or even feel adequate because the standards being set for them are too stringent?

As with most issues, the first step is awareness. Once we realize that its not that we are inadequate or not good enough, it’s just that unnatural perfection is expected from us, we are already breaking out from under the glass ceiling.
As educated and self aware women we are responsible ourselves for our emotional wellbeing. Men, in contrast, seem to have a better deal.

Born with a natural advantage (male in a patriarchal world), they also have the advantage of not having unnaturally perfect standards to measure up to. The reason for this may be that the primary caregiver is still the mother in most societies. A mother who was brought up internalizing the stringent standards she was expected to meet naturally transfers them on to the heir-apparent, the daughter. When it came to men, all that she saw was that they are expected to provide materially. They were criticised less frequently for not being physically attractive, for not helping out at home, for being out of the house most of the time, for not compromising in a marital relationship, for not being ‘good’ fathers (it’s funny that the definition for that is very subjective, whereas that of a good mother is quite objective and universal). They were given easier standards to measure up to and therefore grew up more comfortable in their own skin, feeling more worthy and deserving.

Maybe that is why women feel that they are never beautiful enough, never smart enough, never successful enough (or perhaps even too successful), while the pulchritudinously-challenged clerk that sits outside the bosses door thinks the sun shines out of his ass.

Feminism is a lost cause until we figure this out. How do you convince someone you’re just as good as them when you don’t really believe it yourself?