To Have Loved and Lost

The reader of these Memoirs will discover that I never had any fixed aim before my eyes, and that my system, if it can be called a system, has been to glide away unconcernedly on the stream of life, trusting to the wind wherever it led. - Giacomo Casanova

My name is Dilnawaz Khan. I was born not an orphan but became one at an early age. I was raised by my mother and five elder sisters. In normal circumstances, boys born in such families i.e. preceded by 3 or more sisters are effeminate and spoilt brats because of lavish affection bestowed on them for being the only male sibling. It was not like this in my case. All of them worked and did not have time for my tantrums though they compensated for it by feeding me. As a result, ladies of the house were all slim and smart yet I had and still have quite a bulky physique.

I was raised by six strong women and that’s how I prefer women to be. During daytime, my mom was a lecturer at university, eldest sister taught at a degree college and so on with the youngest teaching at a primary school. At night, the whole family would sit around the table and discuss the day’s events. I won’t call myself effeminate but I developed a keen eye similar to that of women. I learnt to distinguish between sincere and leering eyes of men, jealous and envious looks of women, how to notice small changes in women’s body, demeanor and how to interpret it etc.

We were an independent bunch and needed no one to tell us that it was hard to survive in this male dominated society without a male head of family. We had very strong bonds amongst ourselves and shared all our problems with each other. If anyone hesitated, we would comfort them to confide, "I am not only your younger brother/elder sister. Think of me as a trusted friend. ...Tell me what’s the problem...” and we would collectively find solutions.

My school and college education was in co-ed environment. I had a lot of friends who were girls. All of them were strong women and some were even tom boyish. Though some of us were very close, I don’t think there was anything beyond a platonic relationship. At least that’s how I always saw it. Gradually all of my sisters were married off followed by the death of my mother. Fortunately, by that time I had joined the oldest and prestigious business school of Pakistan which kept me busy with assignments and kept my mind off otherwise lonely existence. Like always, my circle of class mates consisted of girls but then again, the relationships were platonic. I never considered it anything but friendship.

I was inclined towards finance and had opted for some specialized courses. Two of the courses were taught by Ms. Iman. She was much older than me but by applying only light makeup looked young, was extremely smart, and carried an aura when she taught. Because of my own interest, I used to read a lot of stuff before her class i.e. Business Week, Fortune, free sections of Financial Times and actively participated in her class with questions, answers, suggestions, case problems etc. Around mid-semester I started noticing changes in her demeanor. She used to apply makeup as before but it was like a heartless attempt. My friends did not notice it but I could see it. She was losing her hold on me and I did not like it.

Every teacher has consultation sessions after their classes where students can go to them with their problems. I had started going to her to discuss matters related to finance as reported in business press. I tried to appear as earnest as possible interested only in academics with little or no small talk. One day, I asked her what the matter is. She hesitated. I could see that she wanted to lighten her burden but was reluctant. So I told her,”I am not only your most eager student. Think of me as a trusted friend. ...Tell me what’s the problem...” She looked at me trying to see whether I was being honest or just playing with her when her guard was low. Then the tears that she had been holding back for so long finally found an outlet.

She told me that she had just finalized divorce from her husband and was now living with her parents along with her kids. I asked her the reason for divorce. She said that it was domestic violence. After four years of blissful marriage, the last three months had been terrible. Due to some business downturn, her husband started coming very late from work and would take out his frustrations by beating the kids, yelling at her and having painfully aggressive sex etc. Though I had shared a lot of problems with my sisters, I was never prepared for this. I had opened the window of emotions; I did not know how to close it. I did not want to do something awkward and was finding it hard to soothe her with words. I wanted to hold her hands to comfort her but could not find the courage to do so. I wanted to hold her by shoulders but was not able to bring myself to it. Finally, I tried to touch her shoulders to show support. As soon as I touched them she raised her head and looked into my eyes. I thought she is going to slap me for being so forward. But she moved forward and embraced me. She was still crying. I brought my arms and hands to rest on her back.

In my family, all of us were independent. We counted on each other’s support but never depended on each other. Nobody looked up to me despite the fact that I was a male. I knew that she could not go to other women because women talk. She could trust me to keep it confidential without asking for it. She depended on me for support. I felt sorry for her ordeal, the pain she was going through. I also felt pity for her kids because they had been orphaned when their father was still alive and I know what it is to be an orphan. But more than anything else, I was glad because she made me feel like a man for the first time.

In the coming days, our friendship became stronger. I passed her courses and did not take any more courses with her. We never met outside the school and but kept on meeting during consultation hours. We used to talk on the cell phone for hours every night. She again started taking care of herself and to me looked ravishing. I started falling in love with her. I believe the feeling was mutual. She was not the desi type blushing every now and then but I could see that her eyes would light up on seeing me.

Then one night, she did not pick up my phone. I rang and rang. I thought something might have happened to her. I was so desperate that I was willing to take a taxi to her home. I could not afford a car at that time. I sent her a text message on her mobile "Is everything alright? Why aren’t you picking up? I am coming over". She replied, "Everything is fine. Stay where you are". Though I could not do anything yet I was frustrated. I could not sleep the whole night because I was used to talking with her for hours every night. Next morning I rushed to school but she had not come in. I was going crazy. I had not listened to a single word that was being said in my regular classes. In the evening I tried calling her but her mobile was off. I was devastated. Next two days was weekend. It was a living hell. I could not sleep, think, talk or do anything. I felt so alone. I turned down all invitations to events, get together and dinners staying in my room throughout those two days.

On Monday, she came to school. I went into her room. She seemed happy. I was relieved. But I did not expect the bomb she was about to drop on me. She told me that her ex-husband’s business has been revived, he came over to her house, apologized to her, and they have decided to remarry. I was gob smacked. I just didn’t know what to say. She thanked me for support during all hard times and told me that she wanted very much for me to meet her husband and she will invite me over for dinner at her home. I tried to read her face that does she mean what she is saying or is she lying to me. But I could not read anything out of ordinary. I turned around and walked out of her chamber. I never tried meeting her or calling her after that. I graduated six months later and haven’t seen her or heard her voice since. Occasionally we exchange pleasantries such as New Year greetings or Eid greetings through text messaging but that is it.

Time is the best healer. I moved on and joined a newly established Multinational FMCG (Fast Moving Consumer Goods) company. I joined their Finance Department as Financial Analyst. We were a team of financial analysts three girls and one guy reporting to a Senior Financial Analyst. Overtime I got to know a lot about the people I worked with since we had extremely long working hours and though I cannot say the same about myself, others could rightly claim to be spending more time with their colleagues than with family. I was particularly impressed with Natasha. She was the sole provider for her family. Her two brothers had gone abroad for education and never came back. Her parents were elderly and she was the only one looking after them. Some jobs that I thought only guys should do, she was doing - interacting with plumbers, electricians, taking her car to mechanics, getting it serviced at garages, buying animals for sacrifice etc. She even took her parents for Umra considering that they were too old and cannot walk a few steps without holding on to her. She reminded me of the women of my family.

Then her work started suffering. She used to be jovial but now she became gloomy at work. Occasionally turned in low quality work. There were times when I would do her work so that nobody noticed her slight incompetence. Occasionally she would thank me for it but mostly she would be too distracted. One day, everybody had gone home except her and me. I had finished my work but was staying behind to help her complete her job. I asked her how she was feeling. She said terrible. I asked her what’s bothering her. She said that I should not be concerned. It’s her problem and she will overcome it. I offered her my help. She just looked at me questioningly trying to judge my motives. I further added, "I am not only your colleague. Think of me as your trusted friend...Tell me what’s the problem...” The floodgates opened.

She had received a lot of marriage proposals but when people would see that she is the only responsible child and she would need to attend to her parents a lot after marriage, they would drop the proposals. She had been going through this for last three years. This did not bother her much and she had gotten used to it. But now people in her extended family started spreading rumors about her alleged affairs, strong headedness, being jinxed etc. If that was not depressing enough, she recently had some medical complications. She had gone to the doctor who had asked for some detailed medical tests but offhandedly told her that there is a possibility that she might never become a mother. This had devastated her. I offered her support in my normal and awkward sort of way....

The final reports came. There was some complication but it was treatable within three months. She started her treatment. I became her confidante during this difficult period. Her efficiency at work returned and our friendship became stronger. I used pick to her up from the hospital and drop her off at home after the treatment. I was impressed already but now I started to admire her for being so brave. We became extremely close. She shared a lot of things with me that I believe girls only share with their girl friends. I started developing feelings for her and believed that she also felt the same way.

I proposed to her. She said she will tell me after talking it over with her parents. I don’t know whether I told you earlier that she was thin and I am a few pounds overweight. Why are you laughing? Ok…A few kilos overweight. Stop laughing...Ibrahim...you bastard. Anyway!!! I was afraid that she might reject me as we would seem like an odd couple with she being very thin and me being.... Ibrahim!!! Stop smiling!! So I built my case by emphasizing other areas such as I have been earmarked for promotion in four months, my salary has just been significantly increased and another increase will come with promotion, I don’t have parents so I won’t object to her helping out her parents etc.

A few days later she refused my proposal. I asked her the reason. She came up with stupid excuses: ’I want us to remain close friends and marriage would ruin that. I would never want to marry someone in same office as it will lend credence to the rumors of extended family that I was running affairs in the office’. To another female colleague of mine she gave an excuse that I wanted to marry her out of pity whereas her self esteem does not allow her to marry some one who does not hold her in high regard. And to some other people in the office she said that Istikhara was not right.... How would I know what she saw in the Istikhara? Ibrahim you A#$%hole! I am telling you a serious story and you are coming up with stories that an old man came in her dream and told her "did you have a good look at the physique of the boy? And you still want to marry him?” One more such comment out of your mouth and I am not telling you the rest of the story. Anyway. I have lost touch with her.

I moved to the treasury of a Multinational Bank from there. I was part of the foreign exchange trading team. We were three guys in the team. We also had a money market trading team comprising of a girl, Vaneeza, and a guy. Vaneeza used to live on my route home and occasionally when she did not arrive in her car in the morning or her husband had taken her car, I used to drop her off in the evening. Twice bitten, I was shy third time. So I used to be very impersonal on my way back with her. But more than that, we were rivals. Our bonuses and salary increases were based on where we rank in terms of making money amongst each other. The rivalry was vicious because during trading hours, it was a dog eat dog world, we would be using expletives at each other in our race to be the top dog or top bitch.

Treasury positions are very sensitive and slight mishaps can cause losses of millions of rupees if not dollars. Every body makes their share of losses. But in the end, you need to turn out profit. There would be days when one closes the day trading book with losses and I still do that number of times. On these days I am jittery on the way back but by next morning I am refreshed and ready to make a killing. That’s pretty much the attitude of anyone as without it you cannot survive long in Treasury.

One day she lost quite a big sum. It was so big that everybody knew about it. Though her boss was bit concerned because it would take more than a couple of days to recoup the losses but that was all there was to it. On our way back, she was on the verge of breakdown. I tried to comfort her that everybody commits such mistakes. No need to worry about it. She said that it’s not just that. I was afraid to probe further because I could not bear another heartache. But then I thought that she is happily married and all of us have met her husband. So it must be something else. So I told her, "I am not only your rival. Think of me as your trusted friend...Tell me what’s the problem...” I should have kept my mouth shut.

A few months ago she had a miscarriage. The doctors were not sure that whether she can bear any more children. Now her husband seemed disinterested in her. He started womanizing, came home late and was usually drunk. I felt really sorry for her. I was relieved that we were in a car and there was no way she can hug me. So I put my hand on her hand and tried to comfort her that everything will be alright.

As such things go; we became very close in a few weeks. The attitude of her husband became worse. Though we never talked face to face in the office but in the second half when the treasury markets are closed, we used to talk to each other on office intercom for hours followed by talks in my car. I was applying to job openings in Middle East. One day I asked her that why do you keep living with your husband. She asked me that what she is supposed to do. Come home with me. I was dumbfounded. One day she told me that once I get a job in Dubai, she will go along with me. I did not know what to say. After couple of weeks of such blunt statement, nobody else did but I sensed certain changes in her. On two consecutive days, she left early with her husband. I took it in stride. Couple of days later she sent her resignation. Since all outside calls are monitored so I was hesitant to call her home during the day or from my mobile in case her husband misunderstands it. Anyway, after the usual frustrations of the weekend when I could not get through to her, I finally got through to her on Monday night. And you know what. The bitch had become pregnant........by none other than her husband.

Of all my earlier friendships, I am in touch with very few of the girls. Most have gotten married or moved abroad or just gotten out of touch. I have busied myself in work. I have started teaching at a prominent business school located in a posh locality in the evening. After office, I go over there, teach, go home, first day of the weekend I mark assignments and exams and on the second day, I usually catch up with you GUYS.

There are very excellent students in my class. Single, engaged, married, divorced etc. but I have maintained a distance from them. Despite my principles to the contrary, till today I have never tried to get to know them. Last semester, there was a girl Tooba who was excellent in class. Around mid of last semester, I found out that she will be leaving school for UK after the semester because her family has arranged for her to get married over there. Now we are two months in next semester and she is still here. But her grades are falling.

Today she came to my room during consultation time. I asked her that if she was doing exceptionally well in previous semester why is she performing poorly in this semester. She said that she has some emotional issues. And you know what I said? "I am not only your teacher. Think of me as your trusted friend...Tell me what’s the problem....."

I leave to others the decision as to the good or evil tendencies of my character...... - Giacomo Casanova