Music: Any

Artists: ManyDannyCanny


2004: Forecast & Foreplay

By Nadeem Farooq Paracha

What a year it’s going to be. 2004. And what makes me say this? Who cares. I’m Nadeem Farooq Paracha. I can say anything. Squirrrrrrmmm......
Shoosh. Read. Read what’s in store for your favorite players in the year 2004 AD.

* Ali Noor would finally make a much-anticipated appearance in a shampoo commercial.
But to everyone’s surprise (most of all his girlfriend’s), he will opt for a Naya Bioamla Shampoo ad.
He would suggest:” I want our product (read: our music) to be sponsored by a brand (read: Naya Bioamla) used by the masses (read: asses).
The critics would ponder: “Hmmmmmmm... (read bullshit!).”

The fans would first be shocked: “Oh, no! (read: Why didn’t he do a Sunsilk or Head & Shoulders ad??).”
But then they’ll let reality sink in: “Oh, well, as long as he doesn’t do a jingle (read: Do a Coke jingle, instead.).”
Ah, but then shall come another shock. A full blown Bioamla jingle. Sung to the tune of ‘Manwah Ray’. “Bioamla, ray, oh Bioamla ray ....”

The fans will, however, come to terms with it: “Come to think of it, It’s not such a bad jingle, really (read: come to think of it, there’s never much thinking involved in whatever we think!.).”
Band Baja’s Huma Imtiaz would be thoroughly disappointed: “But I thought you wanted your face to be on a Coke can?”
Editor Omer Tariq would ask: “What’s the difference? A sponsor, is a sponsor, is a sponsor.”
Noori would be grateful: “Thanks, mate for understanding (read: Huh??).”

* Inspired by Noor’s move to come in a commercial and sing a jingle, EP’s palms will start to scratch.
“Nothing wrong, as long as the sponsors help us promote our music to a large number of people (read: blah, blah, blah...).”
EP fans would agree: “Good point! (read: Please, please, please God, make ‘em do a Pepsi commercial!).”
And a Pepsi commercial it shall be.

EP would explain their position: “It’s all about Irtiqa. Evolution. (Read: Fizzzzzzzzz....!).”
The fans would agree: “Good point! (read: Yippeeee!!!).”
Expect a rapping jingle with Ahmed singing: “‘Cuz I’m a white man, with a Pepsi can, in a metal band ... (read: I’m a brown jutt, at Pizza Hut, who gives a f**k, if my rapping sucks ...).”
The EP fans would hotly debate the ideological implications of EP doing a Pepsi jingle: “blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah ... (read: Good point.).

* Ali Azmat will quit Junoon and form his own band with Tariq Amin on drums, Vaneeza on guitars (and a pink, silk lingerie), Sheheryar Ahmed on bass (and a crash course in How To Speak Coherently & Not Make An Ass Of Yourself), and a dozen little bald kids as backing vocalists. The band will be called Ganj Baras.

* To counter Ganj Baras, Salman Ahmed will recruit Amina Haq as Junoon’s new lead vocalist, but she will only be required to lip-synch vocals sung by Salman Ahmed!
He will fire Brain O’Connell and replace him with a cutout cardboard replica of himself.
Brian on the other hand will become a Roman Catholic priest and join a church in Sialkot, only to get disillusioned at Pepsi refusing to sponsor the Church (on JJ’s insistence).

Later in the year he will leave Pakistan and travel to Canada were he will meet former Junoon drummer Malcolm; both will travel to the the Vatican to arrange funds for suicide attacks against Salman Ahmed, JJ, Pepsi and Aysha Alam’s pet hamster. They will fail to succeed and eventually end up as choir boys in a small North Dakota church.

Escaping their suicide attempt, Salman will denounce materialism and the corporate culture and cancel Junoon’s contract with Coke. He will become a sufi and instead sign an even bigger contract with Sufi banasmati cooking oil. He will also become a vegetarian and thus Junoon’s first jingle for Sufi cooking oil will be, “Yeh mazaa bhindee ka, aye na roz, roz.”

* Junaid Jamshed (as usual) will keep bouncing between being a confused anti-music tableeghi and a confused pro-cola pop star. In fact the frequency of his drastic decisions to become one or the other will rise dramatically. Quite literaly, one minute he will be a bearded maulvi and the next a chikna pop singer. He should start sounding something
like this: “Pepsi has agreed to sponsor my second album. And I am very thankful to them (switch!)...
Haram! Haram! Music haram! Pepsi haram! Allah says ... (switch!) ... Yeh dil mangay aur!
And I have also set up a new branch of my designer boutique in Lahore and ... (switch!)...
Haram! Haram! Fashion haram! Boutiques haram! Allah says ... (switch!) Goray rang ka zamana, kabhi ho ga na purana....!”

Later, he will see a “vision” in which a late tableeghi jamat elder will order him to go to North Dakota and convince Brain O’ Connell and Malcolm to start wearing hijabs. JJ himself will start wearing a hijab as well at all times, even during one of his pop star phases. When asked why he isn’t persuading women to wear hijabs, he will ask: “What are women?” When told women are the opposite sex of men, he will say: “What? Men have an opposite sex? Strange. Never saw any in Riwind.”

* In an attempt to clear her perpetually sore throat, IM’s VJ Anushay will overdose on strawberry flavored Strepsils. Even this will fail to cure her sandpaper-used-as-tissue-voice. Distressed, she will start gargling regularly with warm brandy every time she has to go on air. But by then she will end up totally drunk and start sounding like Salman Ahmed singing ‘Khwaab 2003!’
... NOT!

* IM’s Faizan will fall madly in love with Dino who will fall madly in love with Anushay who will fall madly in love with Mani who will fall madly in love with Ghazanfer who will fall madly in love with himself! All over again.

They will then get together and fall madly in love with Mobilink Jazz, Samsung, Pepsi, Coke, Lipton, and a million other ubiquitous brands. All over again. And all over again IM is going to be exactly what it has been in 2003: Dreadfully and unabashedly cheesy!

However, in December when General Pervez Musharaf will quit as Army Cheif, he will be toppled by the MMA which will come to power and make JJ the country’s new Minister of Information. Right away JJ will order all male musicians and VJs on IM to start wearing hijabs.

This will make JJ fall madly in love with Dino who will fall madly in love with Mani who will fall madly in love with Fazan who will fall madly in love with Malcolm who will fall madly in love with Brian who will fall madly in love with Ghazanfer who will fall madly in love with JJ.

It will become a vicious love octagon. A love octagon of hijab-clad, love-struck squares. Anushay & Nini will feel ignored. They will start wearing a hijab to get noticed. Seeing this JJ will issue another ‘Islamic’ order: “Goats not allowed on television.”
When told they were women, JJ would say: “What are women?”
When told they are the opposite sex of men, JJ would say: “Haram! Haram!”
EP fans would agree: “Good point.”

*Predictions most likely to go wrong ...
Ali Azmat will get a haircut ... Jawad Ahmed will stop singing stupid mhendi songs...
Mekaal Hassan will quit playing the guitar and take up tabla ... Aamir Zaki will start giving harmonium lessons to Hadiqa ... Najam will finally let his wife leave the kitchen...
Abrar-ul-Haq will quit music and join the Shaukat Khanam Memorial Hospital as head nurse ... Shahzad Roy will stop looking like a ripe Florida mango ... multinationals would start treating musicians as artistes instead of animated human personifications of cola bottles, toothpaste tubes, tea bags, soap, etc ... the sponsored musicians would stop behaving like animated human personifications of cola bottles, toothpaste tubes, tea bags, soap, etc

It will be proven that critics like NFP & the Bug are only myths created by pop musicians and fans to squirm and whine about and bash around, and that everything written by NFP & the Bug is actually written by Phoolan Devi and every thing written by Phoolan is actually written by Penstripe and everything written by Penstripe is actually written by the Bug and everything written by the bug is actually written by NFP, a critic that does not exist!