Solace

And there she stood still, very still in the drizzling rain and darkness of night…the lamppost at the near by road was not enough for the darkness, the trees by the road half lit by the lamppost and half dark seemed ever so mysterious, the yellow light of the lamppost was reflecting from the falling drops which stayed at the leaves of the tree for a while before falling in the darkness with the millions of other tiny rain droplets. She always used to get mesmerized by the rain; it would always set her soul free to wander alone around the endless universe. Her soul would find solace through these wandering expeditions; she would anticipate rain to find solace. Solace from her tiny problems and little complexities of her life.

But today her soul, just denied setting itself free. It was very strange, extremely strange phase of her life, she never felt as empty as she was feeling these days…she would look out, she would try to reach out but things (the non material things seem to be going away from her hands, she tried to hold things tight but they just seemed to slip away)…her mind, her thought seemed as if some sort of mist has covered all and more she tried to sort things and find clarity the more the mist would cover them up…the more she would try to bring out the things buried in sand the more sand came to bury things even deeper…she wanted to cry but each falling tear seemed to emptied her more.

The more she wanted to seek out meanings from life the more she seemed to get meaningless. She ate, she would go out, she talked, breathed, smiled, cried, got angry, laughed, bought things, looked around…in short, lived life but she actually didn’t live the moments, the moments would pass by her without actually giving her the essence of life, the sense of living, sense of actually experiencing those moments. It was as if she was living in vacuum full of many things, yet empty. The moments which just passed seemed far away, the people whom she always felt closer to her started seeming distant and so unfamiliar.

She asked herself is it pain?? If it is, what sort of pain is it?? If it is there why hasn’t it filled her life, why hasn’t it filled the empty space within her…she fought, fought and struggled hard to seek the answer but to no avail…the rain started falling heavily, the rain drops started hitting the ground creating music of their own, the occasional lightening would light her surrounding for a while but she kept standing there as if frozen. She wanted to cry, she wanted to cry aloud but the tear clot would not let any scream out of her throat. She closed her eyes to try to set her soul free to go to its wandering expedition, she sought to find the same solace which she had been unable to find for past many months, past many rainy nights…she tried hard to imagine her soul on its wandering expeditions but the sense of imprisonment of her soul kept escalating until she could not take it any longer. Suddenly the music of rain drops was shattered with noise of thunder, with that she opened her eyes, and first time in years instead of trying to set her soul free she ran towards the gate.