It's ME on Both Sides!

I was born in the Heera Mandi. I was told that my dad had been by my mothers side when I was born but left only after he found out that his child was a girl; I think he imagined me carrying another mans illegitimate child , but then this is all just my imagination which according to Dayee Amma runs haywire a lot of times. The only good thing my father did before leaving was giving me a name, though a surname was never attached to it. I am Rubab.

I was the first born in our family and because I was a girl my father was not very excited about my birth, he wanted a son who could take over the family business after him; its weird how parents give out Ladoo when a son is born thinking, “Oh here comes our darling who would take over when we DIE.� Still my dad couldn’t throw me out as I was his own sperm. Apart from not giving out Ladoo when I was born I never had a problem with my father. He christened me Rubab so Rubab I am.


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I spent most of my childhood with Saba who lived on the Kotha next to ours. Our days were spent either running in the streets or fighting with Murad, the only boy in our lane. One day I told Murad that I had overheard my Amma and Dayee talking and that he, like his father, would be a Dalal when he grows up. His face burnt with anger (which we later discovered was humiliation). After that it was our most effective weapon against him whenever he bugged us. Life was so much fun till Khala Jee talked Amma into sending us to school as she thought schooling was one of the most essential things and would bring in more money. I never wanted to work to bring in money but wanted to sing and dance like my mother.

We had formed gangs by the time I turned ten, me and my cousin Amana against my brother Faisal and our cousin Ali. After the boys came home from school it was all about fighting with them or carrying out our secret missions till a feud broke out again. We had no troubles what so ever till Puphee Jee came for a visit and was shocked to find out that the girls of the house had never been enrolled in a school. After a long lecture to our parents we were sent packing to a school. Dadi always said that one day Ali and Faisal would become Baray Admi, I never wanted to become a bara admi at all. In fact I wanted to be a dancer like Madhuri.


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I was shocked to see the blood running down my thighs, it even hurt a little but Amma was not at all worried as she told me all about growing up and having periods. I was so glad that now for at least a week every month I won’t have to study from Molvi Sahib. Saba was not even surprised to hear the news but told me that if we ever miss our period we might get pregnant. My body started to change shape and all of a sudden I wasn’t playing in the streets anymore or even fighting with Murad. And then one day Murad brought me flowers. I got him Lachay from the man who came everyday. We started exchanging gifts and soon Saba concluded that I and Murad were in love.
As it happened I had my first period and first crush at about the same time. Amana was the first amongst us to have periods and then I silently but longingly waited for mine. Our bodies started growing and Dadi made us carry duppattas to cover our chests. One day, while we were all reading, I saw Ali staring at me and soon I discovered that he had started doing it a lot. Amana then found a diary under his bed that said that he liked me. After that no matter how hard I tried I could never fight with Ali. I was falling in love.

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After I was done with my studies Amma started paying a lot of attention on my dancing and singing skills. I realized that I was just an average looking girl and by then I knew and understood our status in the society but had no hang-ups about being a Tawaif. My childhood affair with Murad was over as I had caught him sleeping with one of the Kanjri in our street. Dayee made different creams and pastes from herbs and god knows what not to improve my complexion and beauty. I was trained in different Aadab-e-mehfil and special attention was paid to my being totally presentable before people I was yet to encounter.
Once I was done with my studies Dadi and Amma started worrying about me being absolutely Phohar, so they stared perfecting me in all household chores, from cooking to stitching to talking, I had something wrong with almost everything that I did. They kept on telling me what a complete wreck I would be in the other house and they could still not ask anyone for proposals as I lacked in so many affairs. Along with all this torture also came my mothers’ efforts to dramatize my beauty. From orange peels to the poor cucumbers every seasonal crop was sacrificed on my beauty treatments. I had broken up with Ali long time back as he had found the real beauties outside the house more fun to be around with.
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My first client was about to arrive any minute and I was all prepared to greet him. His elder brother had been my mothers’ regular visitors for a very long time. My room had new bedcovers and the whole house was washed and redecorated. If I got into business then Amma would retire and I'd be fully responsible to support my family. He came in and was greeted like a royal guest of honor, but he wasn’t much impressed to see me. He came directly to the point and they started discussing rates. I was not supposed to be listening all this so I went out of the room but stood near the door to hear them talk. He was not willing to pay more than twenty thousand for me as he didn’t find me arousing and was only staying because his family's a regular customer. Amma tried to talk him into paying more money as I still hadn’t lost my cherry but he suddenly got up and walked out. The deal was over and Amma was still in charge.

My first proposal was on its way and the entire house was running like crazy trying to perfect everything as much as possible. I was dressed in a new dress, all made up, listening once again to Dadis’ list of dos and do nots. The guests finally arrived and the two women greeted me half heartedly, the guy with them giving me rather cheesy smiles whenever he could manage. They started talking about property and business so I went out to get tea. By the time I came back I could sense trouble in the air and they left soon after tea. I did not even get a cheesy goodbye smile from the guy who was all smiles when they entered. I later discovered that they had acquired about the dowry my parents would give and Dadi, to check them as she insisted, had openly declared that we didn’t have much to offer. I had been instantly rejected after this.

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After many rejections and unfair prices Amma is finally able to find an aged man who felt honored to be the first one and has agreed to pay as much money as Amma wants him to. He has even paid the money in advance; therefore I am all prepared when he walks in. I am not much impressed to see him but as he is the first man who is going to get so close to me, I have to give him a special place in my heart, he will always be the first one in my life. More than anything I respect him because he has accepted to pay the asked price without bargaining. I have finally been sold.

Amma and Dadi after many rejections have finally been able to find the right man for me. I am all dressed up and the entire house has been decorated for my wedding. My in-laws finally arrive and through a slit in the curtain I get to see the man I will be getting married to. I do not like him very much but then I feel a corner of my heart softening for him as he would be THE MAN in my life and his family has not asked for any dowry and are even ready to write as much money as I want in my Haq Mahar. According to everyone they are very Shareef people. I am happy as I am finally getting married.