What Happened To Tania?

Tania! My daughter… Our dream daughter, Sara’s and mine. It’s been six months now since she had gone. Where and why, I don’t know? I am still in a state of awe. All my love, affection, care, devotion and hard work were frittered. She did not even bother to write me a note.

I am in her room that she decorated herself. This room is small compared to other rooms of my house but she preferred it because of the terrace. She filled that area with pots of green croutons, roses and jasmines. In the corner of the terrace, antique ebony finely carved swing-divan, a coffee table and a book shelf was placed. She was the avid reader. Since a very young age Tania developed matured outlook, a peculiar perspective and an uncanny opinion for everything around.

I used to quote her astounding statements with mixed feelings of pride and fear to my learned colleagues. Sometimes I got scared of her extraordinary high I.Q.

“From the distance they look really identical, Dad�, she used to say holding my index finger tightly, looking at the twinkling stars whenever we went out for a night walk. “But they can’t be; I bet they are entirely different from one another which makes them so beautiful and mysterious, right Dad�? I had no answers to her philosophical talks but I mostly tried hard to participate. She used to laugh when she saw me trying hard to please her. “Oh Dad, come on its okay if you don’t understand me.�

“_And how do you know I don’t understand?� I asked warily. “Because… I am your ‘Ray Eyes’ remember�? She used to expand her huge dark brown eyes even more.

My heart begins to ache. I try to support myself by that armchair and fall on it trying to recapitulate all the moments of her life…

How can I forget the day of her birth? That day God blessed me with Tania but took Sara, my beloved wife, away from me. I was mad, grieved and felt betrayed by fate. I refused to look at baby ‘Tania’. It took me a week to regain normalcy. Finally I took the first glimpse and was mesmerized. She was so beautiful; more than her mom, more than any being I had seen. The extraordinary dazzling pupils were encircled by dusky brown iris, as if two stars were sparkling against a night sky. They seemed to emit some kind of rays which appeared to captivate you, pierce and fill your soul. That day I nicknamed her “Ray-Eyes�.

Her name ‘Tania’ was decided by Sara; from the name of her best Russian friend. Sara and I were very happy when the doctor broke the news that she would have a girl. Both of us wanted a baby girl; I probably because of my love with Sara’s enchanting Indian features that I wanted her replica; And Sara being a women’s right activist wanted an excellent woman lawyer for my law firm.

“Boys never understand women’s issues�; she used to say. God had listened to our prayers and gifted us ‘Tania’.
She was exactly what we wished; beauty and brains combined. Though I had to bring her up as a single parent I did my job quite well in the last twenty-one years. I was proud of myself as she was about to be enrolled in prestigious law college.

Tania grew into a beautiful woman, tall, thin, high cheek bones with blond hairs (which she liked to keep short) like a typical contemporary model. She never really liked ‘girly stuff’. She never had worn colorful dresses, evening gowns, skirts, tang tops, high heels or make-up like her other teenage girl friends. She looked gorgeous without all those artificial things to me but her attitude did not win her many hot boys. During her childhood she loved to play with boys but during her teen age years she gradually turned more reserved and into her books. She used to tell me that she liked to move around with girls but she never found herself interested in “girls’ talks�…about handsome hunks of Hollywood/ sports, chic movies, latest designer’s clothing lines, make-up lines etc.

During those tender years of adolescence she became more and more withdrawn, and more into her books. To uplift my darling from those teen-age blues, one day I sat with her and said:

“You know you have Mom’s body and Dad’s soul. I mean you are as beautiful as your Mom and as introvert as me. And I am so thankful to God for this. You know why?

She did not reply but her Ray-eyes were eager to know.

“Because if God had turned it other way round you would have been a very …�

I left the sentence unfinished intentionally.

“Well, very what Dad?� She inquired as her silken voice went deep and her ‘ray eyes’ amplified.

“Well, Obviously… A caricature!

What a comical character would you look; shouting and anxiously jumping around with a limping leg�? I said trying to make fun of an impulsive behavior of Sara plus my ugly looks, my handicap in one go.

Because of childhood abuse from my alcoholic father I suffered a permanent limp which I had managed to hide with a prosthetic device.

“And why is that…? Why you always do that, Dad…underrating yourself? Look at your gifts that God has given you…intellect, kind heart, love and fortune. Looks are not everything besides…. Nothing is perfect in this world Dad.� She lectured me at length. And how could she possibly know what it feels like to be hideous and imperfect as she was made damn immaculately perfect. But I kept my silence.

The night before her disappearance we dined as usual.
I noticed a strange calmness in her, an odd serenity as if I was with some zombie or someone awakening from a deep coma. I was uneasy. To break the frightening stillness I switched on her favorite show ‘Will and Grace’. I started mocking her much loved characters. “Now really how could you love these ‘eunuchs’?� I teased her but she kept her gaze fixed on screen. Giving up I walked to leave the room.

“Dad, they are not ‘eunuchs’.� She spoke as if murmuring to herself with eyes fixed on the TV. “They are real people and this show deals subtly with crude realities of pseudo norms of society�.

“Aahaan…Okayy…Yeah baby, I think I am old fashioned.�

Generation gap what else? I thought and left her.

She had been an obedient child most of her life, never questioning any of my rules until she started studying criminal justice. Then she debated every case of mine. With exceptionally smart thinking machine on her beautiful shoulders, she carried immense compassion for humanity. Her dictionary comprised of few words: accept, love, embrace and appreciate… diversities, imperfections, unconventional attitudes of life and nature.

We used to have consensus on almost every subject except one… psychopathology. It’s increasing use in court of law as an admissible excuse and its impact on general morality of society. More and more people choosing bad behaviors, rejecting values and abandoning age old norms set by society. Therefore homosexuality, alcoholism, sex addiction, maniacs are on rise. Their conscious wrong choices usually culminate into brutal crimes, sad unjustified happenings, broken homes and permanent tragedies. Such crimes guarded under the fuzzy umbrella of ‘psychopathology’ under any condition should be pardonable, was my view.

But Tania idolized ‘Mr. Freud’. She had a different view. She was so passionate about her views I never knew until that day.

An argument turned to fight at the dinner table exactly a week prior to Tania’s disappearance. That was the only serious fight I ever had with her.

It was the case of murder. A man killed his wife.
After remained married to his loving wife for ten years, a father of two beautiful young girls had this sudden reality dawned upon him that “he was trapped in a wrong body and he was gay’. When he broke this news to his wife she reacted very strongly. They had numerous fights. One day a fight became so furious that that “perverted guy� killed her. The case was clear to me. The man should be sentenced to death. But the defense lawyer wanted to plead mercy on the grounds of “impaired state of mind/ sudden up-burst and accidental death�.

Tania was against death sentence. She tried to defend that “homosexual�. Her words still echoed my mind.

“Now this is completely unfair Dad. Your out-righted denial towards people with behavioral disorders and your apathy towards them are not just discriminating but irrational too. There is diversity in this world, Dad. The appalling contrast of nature, black against white, beauty against ugliness and good against evil makes it so splendor. When not a single star is similar to its neighboring one, how could human beings be? Human psychology is very complex and it is the study of more than hundred years now. People are born with different traits�. Tania said

_ “I am not against psychology dear but I know through my catholic teachings that God is only ‘GOOD’ and ‘HE’ created us all pure and good. There is little devil in each one of us but there is something called ‘self control’ or ‘will power’; it’s the choice given to us by God whether to unleash your beast or keep it caged.�
_ “Does it mean, Daddy, that a person who behaves ‘differently’�, she waved her beautiful long fingers in quoting manner; “according to your social norms is a lesser human�?

“Certainly not a lesser person but surely a punishable one for losing his self control, for making wrong choices and for harming another person. I just don’t buy these excuses of so called ‘pathological killers or any criminal genetic traits.� I argued.

“O my God! Now you are rejecting genetics too...?� she shouted.

“My Child, I am not rejecting anything. I am just saying if this trend of finding lame excuses for every sinful deed continues; the whole social system would crumble.�

“But why don’t you understand that there are people who are ordinary looking but with creepy hidden characters? Though they are normal otherwise and behave “accordingly� for most of their life and are able to control their ‘beast’ most of the time; at some point in life their ‘urges’ might get beyond their control. Maybe this guy, Dad, is one of those.� Her face flushed and her ‘ray-eyes’ were blazing.

I had never seen her so annoyed but I was really pissed off that moment too. No one had ever beaten me in a court room or life. I remember I felt defeat and from my child… no never. I threw away my napkin in frustration and stood up in rage.

“I don’t understand why you are defending a criminal? What do you know about these murderers, rapists, killers, alcoholics -- these child molesters? They think that they could get away with anything. They can just take away a human being’s life for some Goddamn ‘urges’, their evil promiscuity can bulldoze the sanctity of marriage/family and they should be pardoned, they can molest an innocent child, leaving him handicapped physically and emotionally for the rest of his life and all because of that sudden emergence of “psychopathic genetic traits?�....� I got breathless while unloading the burden of childhood hurt.

Quickly I composed myself when I saw tears in my beloved’s eyes. I grabbed her by the shoulders and told her. “My darling, you don’t have to cry .Your father is proud of you and I am so grateful to GOD that HE has blessed me with a perfect being without a speck of ugliness; from inside out�. I lifted her chin and saw her face full of tears but she smiled. I patted her head and turned to leave the room feeling relived after opening myself to her.

_ “Daddy�; her silken voice stopped me. “Would you have loved me the same had I been not that perfect?�

I trembled on that strange question and looked at her. She was X-raying me with her ‘ray eyes’ and plain face.

_ “Of course, my dear, I would have loved you any ways. Now don’t stress your little philosophical mind. You are Daddy’s girl.� I embraced her with one arm but she seemed frozen.

It was the sound of some bell … the phone in Tania’s room was ringing which brought me back.

_ “Hello, is this Mr. Chandler?� A strange voice was at the other end.

“Yes?� I was still immersed in Tania’s memories.

“I want to tell you about ‘Tania’.� The voice said.

“Tania, my baby, where is she? Is she all right? Is she well? Why is she not contacting me? Where is she?� My heart was pounding fast.

“Well… Mr. Chandler… she is in hospital… and ...�

The bizarre voice spoke again; I couldn’t make out whether it was a man or woman. “You see Mr. Chandler I am breaking my promise. I pledged that I wouldn’t tell you anything about her but she is very sick now and doctors are not very hopeful. Her surgery went well but her post-op. condition is not promising and I thought it was time that you should come and let her know that you will always love her. You know, she...� I just could not wait anymore.

“What are you talking about? Operation…? Hospital...? What happened to her? She was perfectly healthy…And who are you? For God’s sake tell me your name…�

“Oh! Dear! Mr. Chandler, now look… you must listen carefully…and remember that she loves you dearly…� The voice was articulating each word now.

“My name is ‘Tania’. Actually this is my new name.
I loved Tania’s name. It sounded romantic to me. My name was ‘Brian’. Tania and I were close friends all through our school days�… The name ‘Brian’ struck me. I knew that he was Tania’s best friend. Tania talked about him, always called him her dear blue-boy.� But what was he saying? I was still puzzled.

“Actually it was our long thought perfectly planned mutual decision to go under knife … and have sex change operations. We were never comfortable with ourselves and always had those ‘urges’. We just didn’t know what to do. We both had only each other and we wanted to be with each other forever but … So we made a plan and kept it secret�…

“Urges, sex change…why is this room moving? What is happening? Why am I falling down? What is this person saying? Let me hear you… Hello… hello… Are you there? I can’t hear you… please tell me … what were you saying about ‘Tania’? Where is she? Where is my Daugh…�