An Alternative

I had completed my ablutions and was reading the morning newspaper.

Clinton was in trouble, yet again.

Jean Charest bid farewell to his Progressive Conservative Caucus, and thus paved the way to announcing his bid to run for the Quebec Liberal leadership.

The war against prostitution was moving to the suburbs.

Prime Minister Chretien had threatened to sue Reform Leader Preston Manning who alleged that a longtime friend of Chretien's bought a Senate seat. (Actually, Preston is a bigot and just a bit more subtle than Hitler), so most, will not pay much heed to his squealing.

There was a doctor, (unnamed), who had managed to bill the Ontario Health Insurance Programme, the sum of $468,664 in one calendar year, for....... house-calls. It seems that he would have to have worked 12 hours a day, seven days a week. Someone has been busy.

There was a column stating that Toronto could, if the rest of Canada would allow it, possibly host the 2008 Olympic Games, the price would be cheaper than Nagano's $20 million donation to Juan Antonio Samaranch's favourite charity, the Olympic Museum in Geneva. We could just offer him New Brunswick. (There will be a difference of opinion as to the true market value of New Brunswick, maybe we should decide; now; if it is American Dollars, or Canadian Dollars we will be using as currency)

The Queen Mother, is recovering nicely, thank you very much, and was presenting trophies at the Cheltenham National Hunt Festival. The Royals are all doing well.

It now seems that Mrs. Willey was not groped. In fact, "a friend of Kathleen Willey says she lied at Willey's request to bolster the former White House aide's claim that she was groped by President Bill Clinton."

Who the hell knows.

Then I came upon a quarter page ad.

CREMATION OFFERS MANY CHOICES

... And One Simple Alternative. (registered trademark).

The ad continued, " ... Like more and more Canadians, you've decided on cremation... but have yet to explore the possibilities." It went on to assure the reader that if they were " unsure of where to turn to for expert advice, unbiased advice" the reader should talk to "...us, The Simple Alternative.(registered trademark)."

Now I have no quarrel with the people at The Simple Alternative (registered trademark), but , in Canada, our winters being terribly cold and long, our soil, (read Cemetery) is usually frozen, down to a depth of 8 feet. So if one is unfortunate enough to die in, lets take for example, December, (quite sad, what with Christmas and New Years and shopping), one cannot be buried
till around March or April. A rather long wait. I think you can rent a refrigerated morgue drawer if that is what you would prefer. Or there is the alternative (not a registered trademark), of cremation.

Cremation is, by far, my preferred method of disposing of myself. (It is a personal preference). I don't mean any disrespect to the Faith's that believe in burial, (but all those bugs, etc., Yuch!) Then there are those who believe in, (after the cremation), of recovering the bones of the dead and storing them in above ground vaults. (I am not sure how that is done. I saw a documentary of relatives coming to the vaults once a year and polishing the bones.) That seems a bit over the top. My own Faith practices a rather unique death ritual. It is quite barbaric and I just cannot allow myself to be treated that way. ( No offense to anyone in my faith. My Grandparents would probably disown me for writing this.)

We, believe that... No, let's not get into that as I am sure half a dozen Parsis would be calling my Mother and complaining about me. The truth is, I don't know why we believe what we believe, but I definitely do not subscribe to the Parsi traditional method of going to meet their Maker.

We call them Towers of Silence, and now, if you are at all squeamish, read no further.

The Towers of Silence. (Sort of reminds me of the Cone of Silence from "GET SMART".) These are large above ground wells, in which the bodies of the departed are deposited. I think it happens at sunrise. Then it seems that vultures descend upon the bodies and systematically reduce them to bone. (Where do we get all these vultures?) This is considered part of the ashes to ashes, dust to dust routine. I suppose it's one way of doing it.

So, now that I have absolved myself of offending anyone, even the Parsis, I think that The Simple Alternative (registered trademark), makes a good point. CREMATION OFFERS MANY CHOICES.

I have made mine.

When I die, I have decided to have a Viking Funeral. It is rather a spectacular and actually quite an ingenious and if I may be so irreverent as to say, rather an adventurous and romantic way to go.

Vikings when they expired, were placed on scaled down models of a longboat, the ship was filled with combustibles, and set adrift. It was then set afire by a thrown torch and the mourners stood by and watched it float away in flames. Oh yes, there was also the Viking's faithful dog, lain at his master's feet to ward off the hounds of hell. (That is the part I am not too happy about,
the killing of my faithful companion.)

I have spoken to my wife about my wishes, and she has in her inimitable, good natured way, agreed to fulfill them. ( I think she
is humouring me.)

The plan is this. When I die, about 2 or 3 hundred of my friends and family will be invited to come down to the end of my street. I am fortunate enough to live on the shores of Lake Ontario, so it is, feasible. A longboat, not feasible, nor is a funeral barge. However, there are always a couple of canoes tied up by the Balmy Beach Club and I am confident that a couple of my more enterprising friends will be able to liberate one. They can fill it with combustibles, (newspaper soaked in lighter fluid will do). And then, to loud Beatle music, (my preference would be the song "In my Life") someone can light it with my trusty Zippo and push me out to sea. (I use the word sea, facetiously. It sounds better than "push me out to lake." ) I am still wondering what to do about the dog, I don't have one anymore, and even if I did, I couldn't bear the thought of Humpa having his throat slit, and lain at my feet. I shall have to think about the canine problem some more. Maybe if I had them put in a bag of Purina, then the dogs of Hades would let me pass unmolested.

Then off to Valhalla.

There is the problem of the neighbours, the Harbour police, the by-laws and other laws and conditions which will inevitably be, .. bent a little. What of it, I'll be floating off and won't have to pay the fines.

However, suppose I die in December?? I'll miss Christmas, New Years and shopping; not to mention, the bloody lake will be frozen. I think I shall call THE SIMPLE ALTERNATIVE (regd. trademark) tomorrow and pre-pay for a drawer in their morgue. Then we can do it on the May 24th Weekend, (for you Americans, Queen Victoria's Birthday, and the first long weekend of the summer.)

I read further down in the ad. It states that The Simple Alternative, (Registered Trademark) "does not employ commissioned sales people."

I wonder what the going rate for a Viking Funeral is?