The Complete Desi Step-By-Step Guide to Filling Out Your Census Form

Hey you!

Yeah, you, in the pristine white kurta, eating a gulab jaman over the
international section of the Times. Or maybe, you're resting your
feet, watching Wheel of Fortune after a hard day's night
laboring. Hell, maybe you've cooked the perfect kichiri for your wife
(or husband), who is due home from the office any minute now.
Whatever idle activity you're upto. Anyway, come here.

Do you know what today is? No, no, Eid was a few days ago. Yeah, maybe
it's your anniversary, but if you forgot that, then maybe you have
better things to be doing right now. Today, my friend, is the day the
Department of Census will send out a few sample questionnaires to
selected American households, in order to prepare for the big count in
2000. You know about the Census, right? Mandated in the
U.S. Constitution, the Census literally counts every man, woman, child
in America. You know, so that the individual states get their fair
share of representatives, welfare fund allocations, etc, etc., etc.
That doesn't concern us, though.

This is the year, buddy boy, that WE fill out the Census. That's
right, so that those bureaucrats in the Capital know that we are a big
part of their constituency, know that we have an agenda, know,
essentially, that we exist. Did you know that our numbers have been
put at a paltry 80,000? That doesn't sound quite right, does it? I
mean, have you been to JFK when PIA has its flight from Karachi? It's
a veritable desi mela. Eighty grand. What a load of crap. We are not
getting our due, yaar. No wonder we are ignored if we try to raise our
voice. Something must be done.

Repeat after me: I am Pakistani, baby, hear me ROAR.

That's why I'm here. Let's face it, filling out an SAT like form
(Oooooooh, bad memory) about the sordid details of your life is not
exactly anyone's idea of a get-down-tonight party. So, sweet guy that
I am, I'll take you through the process. Grab a pencil (I don't think
DEER brand is viable) and let's go.

NAME

Easy enough, right? No, not in Urdu, you dope, in English. Or
Spanish. Or French. Or German. Swahilli, anyone?

SEX

Stop that giggling, you immature fool, it's not a request.

AGE

Okay, auntyji, you are only 35. No, no, I believe you, I believe you.

INCOME

Don't worry about it, I won't look while you fill that one out. Go
ahead, be creative. It's not a federal crime, or anything.

SPOUSE, CHILDREN, YADA YADA YADA

This stuff is farily self-explanatory, and, to be perfectly frank,
absolutely boring.

RACE

Here we go. Now, this question requires a bit of thought. Well, first
of all, let's look at the choices.

ASIAN

Bingo, there you go. After all, Pakistan is in Asia, right? My
chachaji in London refers to himself as Asian. That wasn't so hard.
Not so fast there. This ain't England, old boy. In America, Asian is
used to refer to the East Asians. You know, Tibet/Taiwan/China/North
and South Korea/Japan/. Sometimes even the countries in Southeast
Asia. But, we, my friend, are out of luck. I know, I know, it's not
fair. Asian should include everyone in Asia, but that's the way the
cookie crumbles. Let's move on, shall we?

ASIAN INDIAN

I get tired of it too. You know, when anyone asks you where you're
from, and you say "Pakistan," and they think it's a province in
India. Or, worse yet, they ASSUME you're Indian 'cuz youre
brown. Sure, we share common rituals, a common history, a common
enough language. But does that mean we must trivialize our independent
experience since the Brits left? Helllooo, it HAS been fifty years.

WHITE

Ohhhh, not quite. We're dark, you see. What's that you're saying now?
"But my mummy used to say that I am as fair as the moon. Why,
sometimes I even get mistaken for a Spanish!" Yeah, nice try. You may
be paler than Winona Ryder after a month in Maine, but you are not
"white." I mean, let's face it, do you really want to be?

BLACK

Don't be so shocked. What's that you're saying? "Hum kala aadmi to
nahin hai!" Well, welcome to America. Here, everything is thought of
in black or white terms. In the context of race relations, friend,
there simply is no room for the grey. Rita Chaudhry Sethi, in an
article defining forms of racism against South Asians, told the story
of how black activist Steve Riley asked her, "So, how do you feel
being black?" Sethi confessed, "I'm not black." "In America," Riley
responded, "if you're not white, you're black." I know you want to
distance yourself from them. After all, we are the "model-minority,"
the good guys, the aache baache. Well, no other choice seems
accurate. Wait, what's this? Don't be afraid, it won't bite you. Yes,
bring your pencil down, slowly but surely, to the tiny box next to...

OTHER_________

Sobering, eh? To think of yourself as "Other." Well, buddy boy, that's
what we are in the eyes of Americans. "Other." You may have been born
here, collected baseball cards, memorized the chocolate factory
episode of "I Love Lucy," even been to a Bon Jovi concert (have I said
too much?). Basically, you've immeresed yourself in this, uh, culture,
but as far far as Uncle Sam is concerned, you are the Other. Don't
worry, it happens to the best of us. Well, no use belly aching about
this, be a good boy (or girl) and fill in the line next to Other.
PAKIST... Wait, wait wait, what are you doing? That's a nationality,
not a race. I know Indians have their own box, but they outnumber us,
at least officially, 10 to 1. No, no, "Paki" won't do either, you
fool. Ditto for Sindhi, Punjabi, Balochi, whatever. Those are
ethnicities, aren't they, meant to signify people with disparate
cultures or languages, with the added disadvantage of being obscure at
best to Americans ("Do you spell that C-I-N-D-Y?") I mean, you
wouldn't consider a New Yorker to be of a separate race, would you? A
different species, maybe, but not race. "Desi" you say? Wait, I have
something better.

SOUTH ASIAN

That sounds perfect...doesn't it? I mean, it's the favorite, PC
buzzword in vogue nowadays in Universitiy regional studies departments
and as a genre of literature.. Most progressive organizations have
taken to labelling themsleves South Asian in this era of inclusion and
multiculturalism. But let's think about it a moment, shall we?
Outside of academia, does the term really have signifigance for
non-Indians? Isn't it simply interchangeable with India? Naheed Islam
has written an article called "In the Belly of the Multicultural Beast
I am Named South Asia," where she states, "...a new hierarchy has
emerged [in multiculturalism] in which certain voices have been
priveleged and have developed their own hegemonic power." Essentially,
non-Indian South Asians are the Other Others, or, as Islam says, "on
the margins of marginality." Be that as it may, however, we have no
choice. This is race conscious America, buddy, and although race is
such an ambiguous term, it is rendered meaningless, we have to be
identified to be counted and heard. Neither Asian, Indian, black, nor
white are we. Nothing much left.

Repeat after me:
I am South Asian, baby, hear me roar!