Marriage from a Man’s Point of View

Last year I took a deep breath and took the plunge into the murky pool of marriage. I didn't do it because I was expected to or because my family was pressurizing me, I did it because I met someone I could imagine spending the rest of my life with. There is never any definite way of knowing until the rest of your life has actually gone by but this time I figured it was worth taking the risk. One thing that influenced my decision was that the religious and cultural norms of our society do not allow a couple to live together without prompting major trouble. To carry the murky pool metaphor further, it was either sink or swim.

Marriage so far has not been exactly what I expected it to be which is not surprising since I'm not a psychic power in the end of a phone line. Sometimes it is a lot more than and sometimes a lot less than what one wants. I expected companionship, romance and a fair degree of independence. There is no question about the companionship but the romance and independence bits can get a bit tricky. The problem with romance is that everyone attaches a different meaning to it. Fir example to me romance by definition is time spent together, doing our own thing but together, her reading, and me listening to music in the same room. To a woman (hypothetically speaking of course) romance is flowers (preferably alive), tube light and lots of mushy dialogue. I can handle the flowers but mushy dialogue needs to be a college degree course. My wife tells me this is a man thing and it'll be decades before the amazons (who are really alive and kicking and waiting to get me) will be able to breed a man capable of fathoming the intricacies of when to say what. In the meantime we men shall continue to stumble and stutter and suffer from foot in mouth disease. Independence is another one of those nasty gray areas. We both believe in the self and space and free but we cannot agree on their general parameters. My wife is a strong woman with a very sharp tongue who pounces immediately on anyone who tells her what to do. Occasionally she does it just to keep in practice. Which is fine, her strength of character is one of the things I love about her but occasionally, just occasionally, she neglects to allow others the same privilege. Hence, I might be at a particularly crucial stage in a game of Dune 2000 (a computer game) when she wants to talk and my non-availability will result in an explosion from her end. What about the times I come home wanting to talk and she's watching Xena warrior princess? I don't disturb her; I carry my bundle until she's free. This either means I'm a very considerate person or that's she's a very scary person but since I cannot be considerate AND a man she must be scary (but in a good way). If I protest she tells me I should fee lucky I'm not married to a doormat. I don't know if selective perception is a habit peculiar to women or just characteristic of my wife who happens to be (as she herself said in a weak moment that she is no doubt regretting at this very minute) "slightly psychotic and a pathological liar but dil ki achhi".

What marriage has most emphatically taught me is that I don't know jack about women. I used to think I had a fair degree of understanding, now I realize I'm as ignorant as ignorant can be, buck-naked in a forest I cannot see. Again, the underlying questions remain the same. Am I ignorant of all women or just my woman? Is my woman representative of all women? Are the problems we occasionally face symptomatic of all marriages or unique to ours? Sometimes I look at other married couples and think about it. Then the husband gets mad and I have to leave.

My wife is an individual. This means she does not owe me anything and I am not her lord and master. Perfect, because I don't want to be. But I find myself in the unique position of being married to an extremely attractive woman who takes great pride in mutilating herself and muffling her desirability in layers of baggy clothes, crooked glasses and sometimes, grime. The underlying logic, I am told, is that since we're both individuals with independent wills we don't actually 'have' to do everything for each other and she does not have to dress to please me. Her workplace seems to have a lax dress code whereas mine demands dress shirts, tie and shaving everyday. That means I 'have' to look human and she benefits from it whereas she doesn't 'have' to look human and I suffer from it. I fully agree with the 'what's inside is more important dictum, which is why we're married (duh). Marrying someone for looks is stupid because looks don't last but taking pleasure in a loved ones outward beauty is not a crime either. Does seeking a ray of radiant (i.e. unobscured by grime) light in an ugly world have to make me a chauvinist? Of course, this could just be a secret tribute to her cunning. Perhaps she thinks that by making sure I don't take what she looks like for granted I'll get double pleasure out of the few times a month I actually get to see what it is. Like I said, I don't understand women.

My wife is a teacher. Anyone about to marry a teacher should consider the following. They're used to being obeyed and they generally speak loud enough so the kids in the back row can hear them. My wife is also a writer. This means that I frequently find myself caricatured in her work or woken up at three in the morning to hear her latest piece. Ever heard of padding? If my wife needs a few lines to fill in or cannot think of something to write about she just sits down and churns out 800 words about the similarities between a Neanderthal and me. But she has very sweetly (or stupidly) allowed me to do the same here.

I'm going to take a slight detour here and talk a bit not just about being married but about being married to an aspiring writer. I believe this comes under 'artistic' temperament. This is a highly entertaining way to pass time if you have a strong sense of self and are a masochist to boot. The condition is characterized by wild mood swings, binge or non-eating and an extremely morbid albeit very sharp sense of humor. Woe is me if my wife has writers block. Since she cannot create drama on paper she creates drama in real life. Those of you who might have read her writing will have noticed her mastery of the use of symbolism. It might amuse you to know this often overlaps into real life. We had a fight one morning when we were going out in which she rewrote the 'I never want to see you again' dialogue with great skill. We made up in the afternoon over the phone and she sounded somewhat evasive. When I went to pick up my long, glossy haired girlfriend that evening I found a very sheepish looking 12 year old boy with a buzzcut getting into my car with me. "Cutting my hair off with a scissors" she told me " is symbolic of the new beginning. Don't even mention PMS, my biorhythm quake in fear when it approaches.

But on the flip side I'm married to someone who has a great sense of humor (requisite If you're going to be together forever), a keen grasp of the dramatic gesture and can flatter with the best of them. So I am, in all honesty, an extremely happy man. Our marriage might not be a meeting of equals (according to my wife who consistently reminds me of my inferiority to keep me in line) but it is unpredictable, gratifying, pleasurable, life threatening and always exciting. And to think some of us have to go bungee jumping to court death.

I have three words for other men about to take the plunge, when in doubt, smile and nod.