The Burden of Virginity

"He'll reject you on your wedding night if he finds out you've been with a man before. If he doesn't divorce you on this basis, he'll keep you but won't respect you. His attitude towards you will reflect upon your in-laws and you will become an outcast in their home and family."

My mother continuously fed this idea into my mind ever since I hit puberty. At first, I used to listen to her with silent awe and reverence. This unknown, future husband of mine was the ultimate judge of my morality. How could I not save myself for him, my sartaj, and my keeper? The worse fate a bride could have was to be rejected by her groom on her wedding night. The loss of virginity would be a huge defect in the product; calling for a money back guaranteed return. God forbid that would happen to me. I was going to be the innocent, wide-eyed, never-touched-a-man-even-with-a-stick rosy bride that everybody would absolutely adore.

"If you ever have sex with a guy, I'll know immediately. A certain 'knowing' look pervades the eyes of girls who have slept with a man. I know your cousin Saba slept with someone, haven't you seen the look in her eyes, the mature way she carries herself, the way she walks? So don't do it, cause I'll know. And if I find out, I'll lose respect for you. I will never trust you again."

This was another attempt by my mother to keep me "pure." I have to say it really worked. Even if I was attracted to a guy, and wanted to be with him, I was afraid to go near him, lest my mother find out by looking into my eyes. It sounded absurd, that one could judge virginity through looking into the eyes of females, but however absurd the idea, I wasn't about to risk it.

"If you ever sleep with a guy and become pregnant, you will force our heads down in shame in front of society. I will kill myself. Your father won't be able to face anyone."

Typical desi mother Hindi movie style! The mere thought of getting pregnant was horrifying. At one point of my adolescent life, before I read V.C. Andrews' "Flowers in The Attic," I thought one could get pregnant by kissing a boy. Thus I stayed away from the opposite sex. I didn't talk to them. I didn't sit next to them, until I read that Andrews book which taught me about the nature of sex and the necessary ingredients for conception, however crudely. Everything I needed to know about the pleasures of sex I learned from Danielle Steele novels. Boy, did it sound delicious!

"He told me he was going to marry me and that he loved me before we did it. Soon afterwards, he dumped me and married his cousin. Don't do it. It's not worth it. It hurt. The only good part was kissing and that didn't last."

Now that was a scary thought. So Danielle Steele was wrong. Sex wasn't the peaches'n'cream culmination of undying love. My good friend had lost her virginity, painfully, in the hands of a Casanova player. That was not going to happen to me. I wasn't going to trust any guy enough to have premarital sex with him on the basis of verbal commitments. Yeah, the hormones keep raging. But let them rage on. I'm sure I have a male version of a Victoria's Secret catalogue somewhere.

"I've been getting urinary tract infections ever since my boyfriend and I have been together. I have to go to the gynecologist every three months. Damn, I forgot to take my pill. I hope I don't get pregnant. Dave is sleeping on the couch tonight."

Thank God I don't have to deal with all that. I'm still a virgin, unchartered, clean territory. I like staying this way. My main incentive for not having sex has changed, as I've been getting older. It's not "saving myself for my husband" anymore. I choose not to have premarital sex because of the nuisances it creates. The dangers and risks of having casual sex in this day and age weigh heavier than the pleasures. I don't want to have to think about going to a gynecologist, about contraception, about the emotional hang-ups that come with becoming intimate. I will wait until I fall in love with a mature man and he loves me back. He has to want to spend his entire life with me. Sure, bad things can still happen, but if we could predict those, we'd be Gods.