Shadi For Dummies

Yes that dreaded time has arrived in my life when I have to chose an eligible bachlorette to marry Me a fine specimen of Pakistani masculinity, sadly it’s easier said then done, here is my rules of engagement for enticing innocent ABCD Pakistani babes (innocence of course is optional) of varied back grounds with my suave shadiness.

But first something about me, who am I?

I am a man who’s always shooting his arrows at a distant target over the horizon and then galloping off in hot pursuit. The point is not to hit the target it’s the fascination of the journey which counts the most and the real sport of living is to make that journey as interesting, as varied, as expansive, and as informative as possible. Arrival is not the point.

I have a deep rooted fear of monogamy. It’s almost as if to say Sadam Hussain is slightly perturbed about dying. The term hi-fi or high fidelity sends me into cold sweats is an understatement.

I am a generous man by nature, I scatter my money as profligately as my seed, some people may point out that it’s almost bending over to fiscal promiscuity. No I am not a male slut, I am not running amok getting young girls pregnant and then leaving them for other young girls that I can’t get pregnant, I won’t lavish a girl just so I can get in bed with her that’s just crass, Coercing, Alcohol intoxication is loser like behavior and I am simply against drugs but I have experimented with POT hey you only live once why not try the mysteries of our universe, although I am not proud of that fact.

I am no angel but I have been told that I have a heart of gold, I am immature but I hold a lot of promise, wait a second that was my ex-girl friend who told me that, I wonder if the Kuti was lying oh well who cares as long as I get married soon, this H-1 business isn’t going to last long I need a green card soon even if I have to sell my soul to the devil…………..opppppppsssss did I just say the HHHH word Yes folks I am one of many thousands of my fellow desis who are here in USA on H-1 visas and ever since 9/11 tragedy happened we are screwed out of our right full green cards, well guess what it’s time to use the trump card and marry an ABCD girl cause Pakistani Imports are not an option right now.

Okay I agree this sound selfish and manipulative, but look around guys if we F.O.B.S aren’t going to marry these poor ABCD girls who else will!!! All the ABCD boys I know are going to Pakistan to get the cream of the crop cause they know better, they are aren’t going to get their pristine, untouched, nubile temptresses here in US, since they have all been tempered with mentally or physically.

By Mentally I mean the perversity of the west has permeated their thought process and anything that remotely reminds them of Pakistan is like having put them on the rack by a Spanish inquisitor to confess their love for their ancestral country which doesn’t exist. Physically well that’s a Pandora’s Box…………..let’s not open that at this precise moment, I will reflect on it as we proceed with my article.

All in all I don’t live by double standards, Let me sum up my simplistic belief system;

About SEX as my friend Nimra eloquently put it once, “What’s virginity?” “It’s a major issue over a simple tissue.

Religion well, I am not big on it, my dad is a Shia Muslim and my mom is a Sunni Muslim and therefore, in strictly orthodox Islamic sense I am a MUTT who goes both ways I guess you can say I am a Bi-Sectual. I abhor Islamic sectarianism but we will leave that topic for another day for another article, in my view, religion is an opiate for the developing countries.

Ethnicity, Yeah I am Punjabi and Lahori by birth not that my ethnicity or geography lays any significance on who I am as a human being but Pakistani dating/marriage scene lays heavy emphasis on it sadly we still have a criteria which is embedded in the dark ages to say the least. The reason I am telling you all this is because all these factors will come to play in my meeting that one girl who supposedly is going to be my soul mate if there is any such thing existing in nature.

In my quest to find the perfect ABCD girl I have come across many a girls, but I have yet to find that alluring girl who will make my head turn like I am possessed with the devil like Linda Blair was in Exorcist. But there are several inherent problems in this eligible bachlorette hunting.

Women need to understand that some men are natural born bastards and others will appear to have grown into bastards over a period of time and a life of hard knocks. Don’t be fooled, our genetic makeup and social conditions have nothing to do with our evil deviant ways; we are bastards because women have compelled us to become bastards.

Okay the hard-core man-hating, neo-Nazi feminist element among women will no doubt disagree with my time tested philosophies but I pay no heed because I know better. Women play as many devious games as men do. They are as shady as men can be at their worst.

I am not trying to be a man’s man as it was called in the dark ages; the kind of a man whose women would willfully stuck her head in the oven unto which she was chained. No right-thinking woman with two apposing thumbs and lack of a tail can bear the thought of being in the same room with an overly macho man.

I don’t exude so much testosterone that would raise the fine hair on the nape of a women’s neck and might actually send it in an unhealthy masculine growth spurt, neither do I use gorilla tactics to attract a woman, although my past girl friends might beg to differ by saying that I could be as subtle as a sledgehammer and not always half as useful, I suppose my honesty and hopeless romanticism is confused with over zealousness.

I do have a knack for throwing myself at a girl’s feet though, literally begging to be enslaved, but as soon as the warm fuzzy feeling in the pit of the stomach appears, commonly known as love, ulcer or in a woman’s case morning sickness, I am up and ready to run like my pants are on fire, looking back again is not an option it’s a trap that scares the living day lights out of me but still I want to get married because boredom is finally getting to me and INS won’t keep me in it’s hind sight for long.

Don’t worry about my mental health I am as sane as the next man in your path train on his or her way to work in NYC every morning I know that doesn’t say much to validate my claim but hey that’s life.

It’s always important to leave your back door open to flee in times of distress, let the girl know that it’s her fault and not yours that’s why things worked out for the worst and that you were tricked into the relationship. Excuses like you didn’t tell me that you are an ABCD and that I didn’t know that the picture on your study table of a bearded man was not of ZZ Top but your dad who happens to be the Pesh Imam at the local mosque and then you failed to mention that you are a die-hard feminist cause after all you did boil an egg for me once and your arm pits were shaved on a regular basis and those hooker look alike boots weren’t army surplus issued boots.

I respect honesty like any well groomed men does. Although my honesty is something to behold, if I have screwed around I will let my girl friend know in excruciating detail things like whose hand was put where and whose mouth was where, I always end up putting my great big foot in my great big mouth at the worst possible moment. Even my family is at times hideously embarrassed by my tactless words and thoughtless manners but one thing that everyone fails to realize is I don’t really mean it, why take me so seriously.

My best friend who happens to be the uncrowned prince of shadiness is something to observe, we will call him Haseeb to protect his innocence. According to Haseeb’s book of Shady laws or as he calls it affectionately, that most women don’t have two IQ points to rub together to light a fire. They aren’t exactly intellectual dwarfs, but they need to be a courted with extreme caution, because if man-handled wrongfully they can be highly flammable and can ignite at will right in your face and leave unrecoverable damage to your ego and at times to your physical self but that only happens in extreme cases.

Haseeb thinks if a girl can fake an orgasm with you then a man can fake it too, how so if one might inquire, well by faking a whole relationship, that too him is a sure winner of fake orgasms, I seem to buy that argument.

These are the Phone call protocols to follow, when romancing or simply using a girl for pleasure They are as follows; you can call a girl once and then make her wait couple of days, let her return your call and if she is mad at you pretend like your are clueless as to what she is talking about have a stimulating conversation and then repeat the whole scenario again, works like a charm, the girl will feel confused and will be unable to figure you out leading her to become impatient to get to know you more, if your are dealing with a more intelligent female ABCD specimen then do damage control by behaving for at least, two days and show absolute interest just when she thinks it’s smooth sailing from here onwards, drop her again from cloud nine and go back to your shady ways, Never fail to subtlety mention another girl’s name only to make her feel jealous and feel threatened it also, works like a charm don’t over do it though and if you are in actuality cheating make sure don’t get caught without a credible cover story with witnesses false or true it doesn’t matter because it’s all for a good cause the propagation of human species.

Also, Lie to your teeth if you have to and actually make her feel awful for actually suggesting that you have been disloyal to her the more convincing your performance the better your survival rate. In the end use natural female possessiveness and jealousy against them and you will surely be the master of your shady game. Hence, this way you will slew the proverbial ABCD dragon with your wicked and simply irresistible charm.

A word for the wise if all else fails go for the Indian GUJU ABCD girls they make by far the easiest targets to pick up from a club or any social event you might have the privilege to attend. If you encounter a swarm of them be realistic you will find one truly desirable girl out of a stack of ten, that too if you are lucky. Also, breaking up with them is extremely hard they are like super glue once stuck to you they will try to peel off your skin along with them, so expect a royal mess in the end, just blame it on the religious differences that always sells well, whether you are a politician or a inter-religious lovers. South Indian ABCD girls are a definite NO-NO you have to be extremely desperate and loser-like to approach that lot, we have nothing in common with them not even the GODS as the north Indians will put it.

Usage of designer clothing, trim waist lines and bulging pecks are advisable to show off but if you lack either of those qualities throw money around and mention your MBA’s and PhDs shamelessly eventually some shallow ABCD girl is bound to be impressed with your garden variety credentials or your daddy’s money, Sporty vehicles are good means to an end, show liberal Islamic values, worship her like a queen in the beginning of the courtship and master the skills of kissing 101 any advance courses applied with earnest will open the gates of unbridled passion.

It is all up for grabs for the risk takers, in the end you have nothing to lose but the illusive green card because ABCD girls are dime a dozen. All these risks should be taken based on your own skill level to dish out unending amounts of bullshit that you can feed to these unwittingly lost souls.

If Haseeb sounds like an ass well he is but his current girl friend thins he is an angel oh well it’s like McDonald’s slogan another idiot served with bullshit. If it works for him and many of my other F.O.B brethrens than all the more power to you guys. Don’t feel guilty guys ABCD girls play the same wicked games we do. We just need to be better than them and constantly reinvent ourselves, we the F.O.B.S are the fore-bearers of our country’s shady reputation let’s make fellow Pakistanis proud.

Remember User-friendly ABCD girls are a blessing to us so use them, romance them, fool them do what it takes to win their impressionable hearts let them think they are superior to us because only we know the ultimate truth. After all, they are our only lines of defense before Uncle Sam sends us home packing for good.

Their fores read it, live it and be happy and prosperous in your lives, forever in this land of plenty.