Exploring the Eternal Jihad: Islam vs. Sexuality

The following is a breakthrough interview conducted by myself, a Pakistani free-lance journalist, and the self-proclaimed "Imam Mecca-Cola."

THE INTRODUCTION

Many of you may not have heard of the latest website to emerge from the depths of Muslim Americana, but it’s sure to hit the English-speaking Muslim world by storm: Not-A-Fatwa! With the clever and whimsical tag, "As Islamic as Your Relationship," Not-A-Fatwa is an ingenious blend of biting social commentary, satire, real and useful advice, serious issues, humorous articles, guest editorials and good old fashioned question-and-answer sessions, offering the post-modern Muslim a chance for both guidance and entertainment. Featured are articles, such as:

1) Why Hindu girls date Muslim guys
2) Why Muslim girls don’t date Muslim guys
3) How Muslim organizations don’t work

And similar material.

Through many e-mail attempts, I finally got the chance to interview "Imam Mecca-Cola," one of three staff contributors to the site. The others are:

1) Madame Whimsufical, who offers useful and much-needed (and, to put it bluntly, way overdue) comments and criticisms of the current Muslim ethic, in the form of brief and easily read pointers; and,

2) Mufti Maybe, the writer of rip-roaring observations of what has happened to the empire of faith, reduced as it is to conventions and lectures about empires now long-gone. His articles, a feature on the website, are not at all to be missed.

Imam-Mecca Cola, who spends much of his time answering real relationship questions for Not-A-Fatwa, was good enough to answer some questions over e-mail; the interview is reproduced below.

For those eager to visit the website, check out: www.notafatwa.tk

THE INTERVIEW

Q: Imam-Mecca Cola, I would like to thank you for finally agreeing to an interview.
A: I am more than happy to be helping.

Q: Imam-Mecca Cola, could you begin with your reactions to the website?
A: What?

Q: How about telling us about yourself first?
A: I am the Muslim.

Q: By "the Muslim," are you insinuating that you are a specific type of Muslim -- or even that other Muslims are in the wrong? While your website is to be noted for its tolerance of various opinions, I’d like to know your attitude on issues such as fanaticism, extremism and the like.
A: This is question?

Q: Okay, what do you think of so-called "Islamic fanaticism"?
A: Fanaticism is the good thing, really. The problem with these Muslims now is too much they are the pretty boys, you know, they are always talking this and that about the jihad and the terrorism, but really, they are always running away from the bigger problems. This is why we have the website, to be saying that you know there are the bigger problems, as I was saying. But instead all of them, they are all becoming doctors. We don’t need only doctors, but also the modern Imams and the scholars, who are using the internet and teaching the Islam.

Q: Don’t you think that’s a serious reduction of modernity; I mean, there are many processes, ideas, and worldviews that have constructed modernity...
A: We don’t need these processes. You are becoming stupider with every question, I am thinking. Look, we did not have the guns and the bombs, and we conquered all of the Spanish penninsula.

Q: That was a long time ago, Imam Mecca-Cola.
A: You go tell this long-time-ago to Russians. They are having nuclear bombs, but they were being the atheists, and God He is punished them. Now they have lost everything, even empire. So with website, we can teach the Muslim, he is strong, not because he is having the guns or the bombs, but because he is having the good character and the justice and the faith. Not like Communists.

Q: But isn’t the website about relationships?
A: I am thinking, yes.

Q: What does that have to do with Communism?
A: Only because with Qur’an and Stinger Missile we chased them back to Moscow. They ran all the way back to Soviet Union and then they got there and the whole of stupid empire was gone. See, so many doctors and engineers, and none of them could do a thing for their stupid empire. I am thinking they are all idiots. They are all alcoholics, also. Especially this Yeltsin. But Putin, he is looking like the rodent. I am knowing this because also, I study the science.

Q: Don’t you think this is a bit of a tangent?
A: You see, the problem with the Muslim man, really, he is lacking in the ego. I am reading the books of the Freud, who was sleeping with his mother, but really still he is right about some of the things, because the Muslim man, this is his biggest problem. He is not believing in himself. He wants to be the secular, or the Western, or the Communist, or the coward, but never the Muslim and the good one.

Q: And what will this do for Islam and sexuality?
A: Look man, if Muslim is believing we destroyed so-called superpower, maybe he can also believe he can approach good-looking Lebanese sister (really, they are the very good-looking sisters) and marry them.

Q: So you’re saying Muslim men need to get married. But what about Muslim women?
A: No, they have problems too. It is hard for them to get married. The Muslim man, he is all the talk only, this and that, about the Jihad, and how special he is, but really he is stupid, he only beats his wife and he can’t beat anyone bigger than him. So why should Muslim woman get married? This is problem.

Q: So the biggest concern for women is how to get married?
A: I am thinking so.

Q: Don’t you think that’s sexist?
A: Really, the sex is the good thing. We are the vigorous people. We should be having the more children. I am going to the websites and reading this is Cairo is the capital of Egypt, biggest city in all the Africa and the Middle East also, but only 25 million people. In Amrika, which is Shaytan-e Bozorg, they have 275 million people. This is why we are losing!

Q: But America’s a country. Cairo is so much smaller.
A: You are big idiot. This big and small is only the perspective. You are also thinking secular. Islam teaches that all that matters is the deen. We will teach the science and the technology, but also the Arabic and the Qur’an and the Islam, and then we will be the Islamic people. Amrika is only big if you believe it is big. But we say in the Arabic, "Allahu-Akbar": Allah is Greater. Bigger, you know?

Q: Moving on. What is your opinion on the questions you’ve answered so far?
A: They are very good, I am thinking. One of them, he was Sunni but wanted to marry the Shi’a, and I told him, look, Saddam is evil but Sunni and Imam Khomeini was good but the Shi’a, so really, these are only the labels. We are like soda in the dark (this is also helping analogy because I am dark-skinned), and so the label is invisible. Who cares what the wife is when you are in the bedroom? Also, one man, he tells me, his wife is not giving him the mouth sex, you know? But I am telling him, maybe she is lesbian, or seeing another man. It is very bad. We need more of the help for the Muslims.

Q: That sounds exciting.
A: That she is seeing another man? You are being idiot.

Q: No, I meant answering the questions. But Imam Mecca-Cola, don’t you think it’s un-professional... un-Islamic, even, to refer to people as "idiots"? Perhaps you should consider your language.
A: I am speaking the English, because it is modern language.

Q: But don’t you dislike America?
A: Many of the times, yes I am.

Q: So why speak English?
A: You are asking me the questions in English. Idiot. You are like alcoholic communist. I should do the jihad on you. Why don’t you then ask me in the Urdu? I am also thinking you are not married and not having the mouth sex, either. You should be reading, there is another scholar who is doing the work with me, he is Mufti Maybe, he is good scholar. He is writing the article for the website about the Communists like you, who are not having the wives or the sex, but they can be looking for it on the web.

Q: You seem to hold a lot of double-standards.
A: This is haram [forbidden]. Only Islam is the standard.

Q: Don’t you find it odd that you refer to one thing as good one minute, and bad the next?
A: When did I do this?

Q: Many times.
A: I don’t remember.

Q: For example, you said that I was a Communist. But if I was a Communist, why would I be working as a free-lance journalist, covering Islamic issues?
A: You are like the ignorance of Ummah. Communists were also being the interested in Islam. Why would they invade Afghanistan otherwise?

Q: What does Afghanistan have to do with relationships?
A: Afghanis also need to have the sex.

Q: So that’s your primary reason for doing this?
A: Yaar, we are going to lose over one million, because Amrika kills thousands of people every month in Iraq, and now they are going to be doing the attacking. We need to make up the missing numbers, you know? The Muslims, we are having problems because we are not enough people. I am trying to help this. Otherwise, Muslims will watch MTV and do haram [forbidden] things with the sexing, if they don’t get married. You read my answer section the website it is on, not-a-fatwa [notafatwa.tk], and you will be seeing, I am promoting healthy and modern values while also promoting the Islamic ones. We need more of this, not more but less of the people like you. First you do the accusation of me of having two standard, then you ask me in the English why I am speaking the English.

REFLECTIONS

While Imam Mecca-Cola may not seem to be the most enlightened of Imams, consider his website, reflect on his answers, and realize that, despite the oddness of his argumentation, and the frequent grammatical errors (really, his first language is Punjabi, so who can blame him?), he is promoting seriously progressive ideas, such as urging women to take an independent stand, men to respect their wives, people to consider differences between their faiths honestly, and so on and so forth. Though this is done in a rather traditionalist framework, alien to those of us more Westernized, perhaps its very traditionalism will help its success.

For those of you with questions, please post them on your interaction; for contacting Imam Mecca-Cola, he left me with his email.

Imam Mecca-Cola: onecaffeine@yahoo.com

Not-A-Fatwa: As Islamic As Your Relationship
www.notafatwa.tk