The Test

“Nyet, No, Nein, Impossible…. A test tomorrow? Are you really sure? See, my academic life depends on it? Surely, you say huh? Abhi mein kya karoon? Mein to mar gaya! Okay, thanks for the warning, I’ll see you tomorrow, maybe, come for my funeral won’t you? Goodnight!”

Ajay drops the phone.

“Life, that uncompromising bitch! Hits you just when you want to sit and read that story your friend wrote. You want to write a poem, you want to theorize about life.”

Thousand thoughts race through Ajay’s brain. It’s eleven in the night. Swaps just called to tell him about that test tomorrow. THE test. The ONLY test! Placements mattered, the paper was a hundred marks one, it would tell where he stood in class. Till now, he knew where he stood; now the world would know.

“Okay, lets take things one by one…”

AJ had this habit of talking to himself when he was under tension. He never really understood why. It was just one more of those things he didn’t care to try and explain.

“What were the subjects now? Duh, I really don’t know! The phone! Man’s greatest invention! Bugteethbhai, where art thou?”

AJ picked up the phone, holding the handset in between in his shoulder and ear, with his neck at a contorted angle that would have put a yoga enthusiast to shame, flipping through his phone book… There… 4050343

“Hello, may I speak with Bugs? Oh, sorry… Somesh I mean…! Oh, sleeping? Okay uncle, I’ll call later, when will he be up? Oh, very tired… Okay, I’ll meet him tomorrow.”

“Sala, sleeping! Must be neck deep in his books… I really don’t understand how anyone can live his mortal life travelling from one book to another. I mean how? How much fun is there in reading what Mr. Pasha has to say about the GRE? And what Mr. Sinko and Plane have to say about chemistry? Arre, to understand real chemistry, just look at Pratik and Sulonchana! Amazing aren’t they? Though if Sula ever heard of Prachi…. Hmmm to fir Pratik ki to lagi! CONCENTRATE AJ, concentrate!”

AJ opens Barron’s.

“I wonder how much they make every year selling the same book. I’ll write a book like that one day… It’ll sell and sell, and I’ll be a rich man… Abe namune, book likhne ko kuch malum hona chahiye. ‘Falling in love is so hard on the knees’ is unlikely to sell too many copies. Neither is ‘Ayn Rand-My excuse for non performance.’ ‘I’m the best, and the world stinks’ is unlikely to sell even one copy. No… I’ll buy one, and so will KRC, so two copies will be sold. Padhai karo bhaiyya, padhai karo! “

“First section, VERBAL, why what a very verbose book. Look at the size of that monster. I’m really good at my vocab, I’ll skip this section. Ram bharose, kuch na kuch hota hain.”

Ajay flipped through a few pages. Attrition.

“ Hmmm… what does that mean? Think AJ… Think!”.

AJ ponders for about five seconds.

“No! I will not look at the answer. I will think. A man has a brain. He must think!”

Five more seconds pass…

“Arre, at this rate I’ll never finish. After all, just one word, Vasa deferentia? Oh shit! Didn’t that have something to do with the male reproductive system? I mean, what’s the difference!”

“Slowly reducing…Hmmm… sounds a lot like my brains.”

A few more pages flipped through. Elope.

“I know what that means! I know what that means! Its what me and Lovely had planned, if her mother said no. Wait a minute… My grammar’s all wrong… Donkeys last. Okay… so that’s what Lovely and me. Yeah, but that bloody khusat brother of hers came in didn’t he! Brother! Bah! Rakhi-brother!!! ‘din mein bhaiyya raat mein saiyyan!’ ‘I can’t say no to him AJ… he’s got an incurable disease… he says we must break up. Dying man’s last wish’. Bloody bugger, still living fine. Incurable disease? It was plain rash from eating roadside Chinese food! How come the rash suddenly disappeared when Lovely said yes to his proposal? She’ll die one day. Nahi yaar, apni ex-best friend ke bare mein aise nahi sochte…! Tussi truly ache aadmi ho. Kahe ko rar machaye?”

“Chhod yaar… Yeh sala Wordlist baad mein karega. Abhi to raat jawan hain!”

In the truly classic AJ way, AJ flips the pages directly to the next section. QUANTITATIVE ANALYSIS.

“Jeez, these numbers… They’re so lovely. Feels like a truly second nature to me. Remember those days in school. Remember how Gani made me and Ananya stand together because we topped the class? I felt so proud. Hey I really loved the teasing afterwards. Okay yaar. Ananya and me! Ananya. What beauty… Okay she looked like a parrot, but what mental strength. I miss her like crazy… Nah! Not really! To damn frigid she was. Just like that female in class…!”

“AJbhai, kal nikalna hain na test mein?”

AJ took his pencil. The behind was intact. He hated people chewing pencils. People often wondered where his nails disappeared, but nonetheless.

Some number crunching, and a few minutes later…

“Aaai ga… kambakth peth! Itki bhook lagliya mala!”

Gets up, goes to the fridge. Takes a cucumber out, and starts munching on it. Just about to close the fridge, when he sees a can of Cheese. Picks it up.

“Nahi, you have promised no to have any… Nahi… mein nahi khaoonga!”

Slams the door of the fridge shut, as if to prove a point to himself. Goes, and sits at his table.

Five minutes later… Gets up, almost runs to the fridge, like a mad bull’s charging after him.

Can opened, big chunk of cheese cut. Devoured hungrily!

“Kya kare… control hi nahi hota!! Scientific research has proved beyond doubt that a midnight snack is a must for a developing brain… I definitely saw that on Discovery. In any case who’ll miss a bit of cheese? And am I not their son? They produced me… they must feed me…! Shakespeare said ‘though shalt not gormandise’, but then, the best way to a man’s heart is through his stomach!”
BURP!

“A wise man once said… Arre, wise men ko chhod! Khudki soch…!”

With his faithful FX100W Casio calci beside him, our hero embarks upon the voyage of the quantitative analysis.

“What is the answer up to three significant figures… My… I do believe this book was written by the devil himself! Just when I’m concentrating, he makes me think of figures! But really… Doesn’t Sweta have a lovely figure? Exactly like a barrel! No beginning and no end! Infact cylindrical polar co-ordinates could be well applied to her! What a vast radius! Hehehehehe!”

“But Sushmita really does have a fabulous figure… par apne ko wo bhav kaha deti hain! She’s too busy with those idiotic imbeciles in the senior years. Really, that girl ought to have her head checked… but they’ll find it empty anyways… Just like mine! Wouldn’t we make a great pair? So fill your goddamn head with something, otherwise not even Sweta will look at you… That would be a blessing… No but seriously…”

AJ spends many a frustrating minutes trying to figure out the Mathematical Graphs, but finally gives up the attempt. In another quantum leap he jumps to the ANALYTICAL REASONING.

A quick look at the clock shows it to be 1:30 AM!

“Oye! When did it become so late? If I don’t sleep now… I’ll never get up. But I must. Ayn Rand says I must… Nehru says I must… Invictus says I must… I will!!!”

YAWN!!!!

AJ tries his level best to keep his eyes open, but dozes off at his desk.

The next morning:

“Aaiiiii! Mazha daba kuthe ahe? Aaiii!!!!!! Mala late hotay! AAAAIIIIII!!!! Tula aplya mulachya bhavishyachi kahi kadarch nahi!!!!!”

Checks his bag… Finds his lunch box is already placed in there! Hits his head with his palm.

“Aaiii… aga aadhi sangaych na… aata mala late zalach na! Aaj mala late hoil… Aadhi test mag practicals.”

AJ rushes out of the door. Reaches college huffing and puffing. It’s already 9.10! The test started at 9! But as he peers inside the class there is absolute jubilation!

“On the sad occasion of the death of the fourth puppy, of the dog of the second son of Balasaheb Thackeray, a silence of two minutes will be maintained at 10 AM. Due to the sad demise, all classes in VJTI are suspended for a week. No lectures will be held. All students are requested to wear black for the next coming year. ‘Who let the dogs out’ will not be played on radio for the next week…”

AJ was complaining:

“Itna padhai kiya… aur uske baad ye!”