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Fashion is an industry in Pakistan. This is absolutely true. No doubt about it.
We’ve got some of the finest models in the region. Absolutely true. No doubt about it.
They are a special breed. Because they have brains too. I’m obviously talking utter nonsense (Absolutely true. No doubt about it).
Some of you might be laughing. Some of you might not. Some of you might be taking all this seriously. Some of you might not. But, seriously, don’t you think that the “fashion explosion” in Pakistan is such a wonderful thing?
To start with, it has given the narcissistic among the idle rich the chance to
turn vanity into an economic virtue. Absolutely true. No doubt about it.
Laughing? Who, me? Naaaaa. Just coughing. Damn cough. Too much smoking, y’know.
Shan is a terrific actor. Meera is an exceptional actress. Fakhir, what a singer. Ahem. Damn cough.
So, what was I saying? Yes. The Pakistan film industry is getting back on its feet again.
In fact, thanks to Javed Shaikh, it’s getting back on Bollywood’s feet (again)! Ha! As if there is anything exceptional about Bollywood.
Of course there is, you cynical idiot! It’s .. it’s .. it’s INDIAN!
And doesn’t Ashweriah Roy dance like Vivien Leigh did in A Streetcar Named Desire?
Leigh didn’t? Oh. But doesn’t Sharrukh Khan remind you of Marlin Brando in Last Tango In Paris? No?
What about our own Adnan Siddique and Sajjid Hassan reminding one of Al Pachino and Russell Crowe? No? Oh, well …
Why can’t we make fascinating, informative and literary programs like The Bold & The Beautiful, Baywatch and especially Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahoo Thi?
I wonder why haven’t the first two been nominated for the Nobel Prize and the later for the Oscars?
Has to be a hidden Communist conspiracy. They eat babies, y’know. The communists.
Or who knows, maybe it has something to do with Al Queda trying to sabotage the CBMs between India and Pakistan?
But, of course, Star TV viewers don’t know much about CBMs. And why should they!
CBMs are not as interesting ( or important) as Sas Bhi Kabhi Bahoo Thi or Joe Millionere, now are they?
Hey. You can cough, but vomiting? Not allowed, not allowed!
I think I agree with the mullahs. The only problem is they never seem to agree with each another. Otherwise it could’ve been a great sight watching Ferhat Hashmi hosting Top Ten Naats on Indus Music or Qazi Saheb demonstrating the correct way of flogging disrespectful wives on Alim On LineXcitement, MA with MMA, water with Pepsi and grandma so old with ARY Gold. DeBeers came to Pakistan to host A fashion show and how we all went mad? It’s another thing that I first thought DeBeers was a brand name of a French beer (non-alcoholic, of course). Used to smoke a lot in those
days as well, so was excused by those who were shocked and the downright offended by my assumption. Coughed a lot too. They thought I had TB, so they stayed away. Otherwise who knows what they might have done to a person who thought DeBeers was some French beer brand.
You should’ve seen all that foam around their mouths. Even when I told them that I now knew that DeBeers was about gold and not beer.
“Diamonds, it’s about diamonds you idiot!” They had screamed.
Really? Then what’s so wrong about our own New Ruby Jewelers? Boy, look at the foam.
Chough, cough, cough ...
Sigh. You know, I totally agree with Salman Ahmed and Junaid Jamshed when they say that our pop scene is too westernized and full of MTV mimics and that we should be looking towards music of our own region. No wonder Slaman plays the sitar so well. And JJ sings the raag so well. Oh, well..
But, enough of this bellow-the-belt sarcasm. Check out Fuzon. Its lead singer is trained in pure eastern classical music. Yes, no wonder he sings bubble gum jingles so well.
I just hope they finally get nominated for a Grammy this year. In fact, move over Grammy, Oscar or whatever, did Fuzon get nominated for Lux Style Ke Dunya Awards? They did?
Yippee … cough, cough, cough …excuse me.
By the way, any nominations for billboard models? Those Walls hoardings with Ali Azmat and Bilal Maqsood are great. Ali shines like never before (wink, wink), and Bilal is so convincing in his portrayal of Pee Vee Herman. What do you mean he is not trying to portray Pee Vee Herman? Oh well ...
I wonder what happened to Bilal? Used to look pretty cool in those long locks of his. Where did they go? Well, I guess Pepsi didn’t want to have anything at all to do with longhaired men anymore.
They’d had enough of Rohail Hayyats and Shahzad Hassans. Yes, Shai once used to have long hair. In fact, looking at him now one should say, Shahi used to have hair. Period.
These days he shines too. Should’ve been on that Walls billboard as well. Right besides Ali Azmat.
I guess Pooja Bhaat must be having a soft spot for baldies. That’s why Jawad Ahmed just doesn’t stand a chance.
Not only because he’s not bald or doesn’t have a Pee Wee cut, but also because his top is really the worse example of long hair! I mean, it’s awful. Reminds me of an early ‘80s fashion model.
Or worse, what my aunt’s hair looked like at her wedding in 1981. No wonder these days he’s more interested in singing mahendi songs than anything a bit more meaningful. Tsk.
tsk..tsk.. Don’t mind it, Jawad. After all, yeh hi tho hai apnapan.
Back to LUX Awards. I’m so excited. Just can’t wait to see who’ll win. Will it be Shan Penn? Peter Jackson? Radiohead? Sting ... cough, cough, cough ... damn cough. What?
None of these have been nominated? Damn. What about Amitabh Bachan? No? Not even Pooja Bhaat? Then what’s all the noise about?
Oh well, Jawad Ahmed tho hoga na? Give him an award, at least for the sake of my aunt’s nostalgia.
Anyway, you know these LUX style people should also have awards for best and worst dressed politicians. The best dressed should go to Prevez Musharraf in his military uniform and the worsedressed award should also go to him in a shirvanee. Not that I admire uniformed men, because do remember a man called Zia-ul-Haq used to be one as well. It’s just that Musharraf looks so un-Presidentish in a shirvanee. Precisely why the MMA wants to see him in one (and out of the uniform). Easier to remove, y’know. The shirvanee.
But, really, why do we have these Lux Style awards, anyway? What has “Style” got to do with an Islamic Republic? Now do not squirm and say what do beauty contests got to do with a Hindu Republic? Hindus are vegetarians, remember.
What are we? Not Paris. Not London. Not Milan. Just Karachi and Lahore …And Landhi, Orangi, Bhatti Gate, Muzang Chungi... get my point? Ah, but then what do Landhi, Orangi, Bhatti Gate, Muzang Chungi got to do with Islam as well?
Don’t ask Dr.Israr. On the contrary, give him an award as well. I really like his style.
In fact he too should be on a Walls billboard. I’m sure he likes ice cream too. In fact, all these multinationals should now start sponsoring religious lecturers instead of pop acts. And maybe that’s why Najam Shiraz has started to deliver naats? After all, Islam pays the most
in an Islamic Republic. It’s the best business one can have here.
Boy, what was that awful sound? A bomb explosion somewhere in Karachi. Phew. Thank God. For a while I thought it was mom exploding because I had forgotten to record the 1865th episode of Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahoo Thi.
But what about all those people getting killed in sectarian riots and suicide attacks? Don’t you worry. Surf Excel hai na.