The Prophecies of Nosydamanus

Introduction

Nosydamsnus was a psychic seer who lived in Karachi between 1964 and 1975 and then disappeared into the Rann of Kutch desert. He recorded his visions in a cryptic code on bathroom walls. I have painstakingly endeavored here to decode and translate his surviving predictions.

Some say Nosy was the greatest seer since Nostradamus. Some believe he was even greater than his European counterpart. Some say he was a highly evolved bicycle.

I say fuck it! Let Nosydamanus be Nosydamanus. His work speaks for itself.

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1. “When the crow shits at high noon, and the pale rider slides through the noose, then shall the enforcer come and any which way he can swim the dead pool.”

Translation: Nosydamanus is foretelling the rise of Clint Eastwood as a Moral Majority preacher and (eventually) the future head of the Holy Capitalist American States of Roman America (HCSRA).


2. “When Pisces jives through the ides of March, and Dope Fiend rises at the thirteenth zodiac sign, then will the cataclysm claim the land of the tall blue pajama wearers.”

Translation: Nosydamanus is predicting the drowning of the United States when they offend the gods by actually electing a woman President.
(Or)
He may be predicting the rape of the Statue Of Liberty by King Kong.


3. “When the lion in gold rivals the sun and the three brothers turn from rock to disco, then shall the screaming eagle lay an egg in flight and it shall lay on the head that has already been shat upon.”

Translation: Nosydamanus foresees that Asif Ali Zardari will have his head shaved by Makhdoom Amin Fahim and paraded through the streets of Karachi chained to Nawaz Sharif.


4. “When the moon is in the seventh sky and Jupiter aligns with Mars, then shame will fall on the house of three bees as the watcher watches and sucks on a bottle of Vanilla Coke.”

Translation: George Bush the Thirteenth will declare himself to be the God Emperor of the world but will be opposed by Clint Eastwood and the Brintny Spears’ great granddaughter who will be a nun.


5. “When the snake slides back into its hole and the river flows back to the spring, then shall the one be the other and peace be at hand.”

Translation: Nosydamanus is just having a bad night.


6. “When penises grow in potted plants and vaginas are available in disposable 6-packs, then shall people have sex by mail and the post office will become the biggest brothel.”

Translation: Nosydamanus is trying to say that with the second coming of Christ, the message of the kingdom of heaven shall be: Why prey, when you can TCS?
(OR)
Nosy is predicting the revival of Islam.


7. “When all things turn lukewarm, and jello is the only food to be had in the temple of the virgin goddess of money who holds a limp stick, then shall all cutie-pies be sliced and served to mad dogs without mustard.”

Translation: Nosydamanus foresees the rise of another Hitler who will put all yuppies into concentration cubicles and boil them without mustered.


8. “Aright, fly duh Beelzebub hub net waft achtung!”

Translation: Most probably Nosydamanus is just having a bad LSD trip.


9. “When Earth is in Scorpio, a great flood of filth shall drown the whining pink pigs and dark wild bores dreaming of Venus.”

Translation: Nosydamanus foresees a massive KMC gutter cleaners strike.


10. “A man shall rise from the ruins of Mohinjudaro and run madly through the streets waving his penis at hijabless women.”

Translation: Nosydamanus foresees the rise of Osama Bin Laden.