Books Every Globalized Pakistani & Indian Middleclass Youngster Must Own …

· I Was A Hijabless Teenage Delinquent: By Ferhat Hushpuppy

A racy pulp thriller by famous Islamist suspense writer, Farhat Hushpuppy. This novelette follows the adventures of a teenage girl who stumbles her way through life as a misguided person indulging in dangerous, delinquent and immoral activities like studying Darwinism, Astronomy, Logic, Painting, Music and supporting satanic causes such as Birth Control, Women’s Rights and the anti-Hudood-Law movement. However, the immoral, misguided and disinformed girl manages to find peace and spiritual meaning, a place in heaven (and the National Assembly) by simply adopting the hijab and becoming the fourth wife of a 72-year-old Islamic evelengelist. Groovy.

· Meatball Days: Pepsi Sidhwah

A griping novel about a middleclass young Hindu girl who distressed by the unfortunate defeat of the BJP and the raise of the alienating, westernised, decadent, retrogressive and spoiled-sport anti-capitalism\anti-glabalization movement in India, decides to revolt by highlighting her Indianess and Hindu roots and make a statement against the alienating, westernised, decadent, retrogressive and spoiled-sport anti-capitalism\anti-glabalization movement. She does this by convincing her brave yuppie husband to die of a heart attack (after swallowing deadly unbranded high-on-cholesterol meatballs), so she could perform the glorious Hindu tradition of Sati. She becomes a heroine to millions of young, middleclass Indian women who pledge that each one of them will do all they can to persuade the westernised, decadent, retrogressive and spoiled-sport anti-capitalism\anti-glabalization activists to stop attacking McDonald’s joints and shopping malls and instead invest their energies in more constructive, indigenous, nationalistic and progressive acts like attacking old Muslim mosques, wrinkled Christian missionaries and uncouth, unbranded meatball eaters like Lalu Parsad Yadev. This powerful novel is about to be turned into an equally powerful Bollywood flick, “Dull ho na ho, yeh bill aap ka hooa,” and the recent anti- (unbranded)-meatball film, “Dil wallay biryaani lay jaain gey.”


·The Wonders Of Uniformity and Conformity in the Name of Creativity and Origenality: By Rupert Murdoch & Ghazanfar Ali

Two media moguls, Rupert Murdoch (of STAR TV and FOX) and Ghazanfar Ali (of Pakistan’s Indus TV network), get together to celebrate the wonderful new idea of turning mediocrity into the fine art of making big bucks. The intro is by Haji Abdul Razzaq (of ARY Gold) and the foreword is by Mir Shakeel-ur-Rhaman (of GEO TV). And like the rest of the book, these are also written in the most predictable, formulaic and utterly mediocre style! Should be enough to inspire the next batch of disposable pop, talk show and soap “celebrities,” and make this book as popular as any standard Hindi or Pakistani soap. Groovy.

*Also available in paperback version with alternative titles: “The Monitory Wonders Of Recycling Garbage Over & Over & Over Again” and “Profitable Mediocrity For Gullible Morons.”

·Socialism Destroyed My Life: By Tariq Ali Jr.
Written by famous left-wing intellectual, Tariq Ali’s son, this book tells a heart-wrenching tale of TA Jr.’s formative years as a teenager. Ali Jr. had to go through the horrors of living in a household where he was forced to read the violent works of Marx and Chomsky instead of Harry Potter and Mohsin Hamid and brainwashed magazines like “Socialism Today” and “Z,” instead of healthy and enlightening mags like “GQ,” “Stardust” and “Metal Maniacs.” He was also pushed to vote for the British Labour Party and worse of all forced to watch BBC’s blasphemous anti-Thatcher comedy show, “Spitting Image” over and over again on the VCR! The book also tells us how the author tried to escape the pain and torture by rebelling against his tyrannical, Trotskyite father by quitting smoking, starting to jog, working out at the gym and taping episodes of “Friends” over “Spitting Image”. However, the brave Ali Jr. finally managed to make his father throw him out when Ali Jr. simultaneously joined the racist British National Party and British Islamic Youth Front (and/or shaving his head to become a skinhead and as well as growing a 21\2-ft beard to look like Osama!). The most uplifting part of the book is when Ali Jr. one day meets his father half way between a shopping mall and a mosque and tells him: “I am absolutely, totally confused and proud of it!” Awwwwww. How very global.

·10 Easy Steps To Becoming a Huge Billboard: By Victor Hugo Boss

A terrific little do-it-yourself book for all those young people aspiring to become successful billboards (preferably somewhere on the main roads of Mumbai and Karachi). In the intro the author tells his readers that they should not mind the confused response they will most likely get from their old fashioned parents when hearing “Mom\dad, I want to be a huge billboard!” But why a billboard, one might ask? “Why the fuck not you old, Cold-War-era relic!!” answers Hugo Bob. “That’s Hugo BOSS, you old fashioned, nonconsumerist Stalinist dog!” And thus, the first step to becoming a successful billboard: “Strangulate with a Gucci leather belt all old fashioned, nonconsumerist Stalinist dogs!” Get the picture?