Avant-garde Pakistani Women

Perched on my computer chair, flipping through my book of the week, sipping coke and gorging on chilli-chips, I had a Carrie Bradshaw epiphany. There is a young woman, who deserves to be written about.

She fancies herself to be modern yet traditional. You would find Cosmo in her bathroom, the new best-seller on her bedside, and BBC food or anyone of the reality shows flashing on her TV screen. She sometimes thinks “why am I doing this to myself” but on most days is proud of what she does and is glad she is doing it.

She is the young, single, career woman in Pakistan today. Living at home, establishing her career, with no excess baggage. But it’s never that simple. After speaking to a wide array of women, from diverse backgrounds, I learnt about where they were headed, and what keeps them on track.

Sarah, a 25 year old Barrister based in Karachi point outs, “I enjoy working, but the salary is insufficient for me to be financially independent at the moment”. Attia is dissatisfied with her current job and hopes to have her own business one day but appreciates the opportunity, “Growing up I realized that I did not want to limit my identity to a daughter, sister, wife and mother.”

Every working woman today feels she is contributing to society and at the same time adding to her sense of self, but is discontent with the environment, and has to deal with the raised eyebrows and questioning looks about the kind of job she has and why she can’t just settle down. Amena, a 30 year old director/film-maker wanted to be an air force pilot. An MBA and a marketing job later, she found that her calling lay elsewhere. She faced some opposition when opting for a career in the media. “Like most families, they thought banking jobs are so much more stable and prestigious, but with time they saw my work and are now proud of what I do”. Samia, a 24 year old creative designer divulges, “My parents encouraged me to move from home to obtain a professional degree. Now at work, despite being thought of as fast or becharee at times, I’ve built a reputation to be the best at what I do”. There is no doubt that women have to be good if not better than men, in their field to be taken notice of. The toughest hurdle for Amena was carving a niche in a male-dominated entertainment industry and shirking off the “assistant” label. Nine years on, she is respected as a leading film-maker and director on her own merit.

More and more parents are encouraging their daughters to pursue higher education and formulate careers, realizing how competitive the world has become. This may be beneficial but it also breaks apart the family unit and yanks the young women out of their parent’s control, making it all the more harder to adjust when they are asked to move back after college, or working abroad.

Some parents are more understanding than others, as Attia admits, “they put up with my late hours and do not make any unnecessary demands on my time or otherwise, because they feel that work should come first”. In fact Kamila’s family has gone a step further, favouring her decision to move to another city for work. With Fatima, currently pursuing a Masters at Warwick after working for 2 years, it was quite out of the ordinary. “I actually had to be shamed into working. My parents have high expectations from me. But I think on the whole society still doesn’t give genuine credit to girls who work. I think it’s more of a drawing room conversation piece, that girls work for recreation or to kill time, not out of passion”. Most of the girls admitted that the family does credit them for being career-oriented but they often come across the relative or family friend who subtly remarks how “career girls can never be family-oriented” or assume that she will burn the career-boat once she has a husband and children to care for.

My question is this, for the women who choose careers, how many do it for personal satisfaction, rather than simply because they feel compelled to? I find that a lot of young women feel that if they’re unmarried and sitting at home they are being judged as useless and incapable. Is it really fair to impose expectations on all women, doesn’t a liberal society warrant that each person follow their own path without having to justify it.

Like a broken record, countless emotional outbursts, stories of how so and so’s daughter got married, the desire to have grand children soon, “while I still have the energy and the physical stamina to”, is the modus operandi that mothers resort to. While some parents are not too fussed or pushy, most of the young girls confess that it comes up far too often. Natasha laughs throwing her hands in the air, “Marriage is a weekly debate in my house, in which I’m labelled stubborn.” Amena, can emphatically relate, “Constant monotonous pressure, sometimes there are refreshing breaks in the drone when they get fed up or they forget”.

Typically parents are finding themselves in a dilemma. Sending their daughters out to compete in the world and assert themselves can sometimes turn costly. With a new found financial independence and a new identity, these young women don’t conform so easily to expectations and societal norms. Rarely do we come across families such as Attia’s, “My parents are not at all pushed about marriage, in fact I have to remind them to think about getting me settled down”.

Most of the women have made careers their priority at the moment. They are making the most of being single, as they can afford to keep long hours, have irregular sleeping, eating and socialising habits, after all if you cant do it now, when can you do it? Marvi is practical about it and confesses “marriage would hinder my work, as advertising is based on deadlines and stress and I don’t think id be able to carry on with it for long”. Amena laughs and shakes her head, “my career is my life for now, and in fact my old friends have disowned me because I hardly get time for them and even forget their children’s names”. With most of us young working women, the end of the day signifies, shedding off all unnecessary items, shoes, clothes, collapsing onto our bed with the remote in our hands. Samia quips, “my workday is usually 10-11 hours, which means that I turn into a couch-potato when I come home, only good for half-hour daily soaps and light reading, the odd social call on weekends and meanwhile thousands of text messages to catch up with friends”.

The important question that begs to be asked, is how important is it to be single while formulating your career? Natasha is quick to point out, “I think it depends on your drive and the kind of man and family you marry into. Personally I might opt for free-lancing, call me old-fashioned, but my home life at that point would be my priority”. But Kamila disagrees, “No one puts their life on hold for you, why should I have to?” Most of the young women have found a passion, a field in which they can creatively put themselves to use and being asked to give that up would be disastrous. Amena admits, “Marriage would slow me down, juggling two demanding things could be tricky”. Mina, 33 years of age, at a significantly high post in a local bank, feels strongly about sticking to her guns, “it is important for me to be with someone progressive who supports my career projection and not hinder it”.

The consensus seems to be that it is important to be clear about the partner you choose in life, depending on your priorities. For most of the women, their career would continue, albeit undergo some changes, after marriage, for a few, it would mean a chance to slow down, put career on the back burner and enjoy domesticated life. The prospect of arranged marriage was not unthinkable for these young women; they want to find someone compatible, irrespective of the circumstances they met in. Every one of them has grown out of the “mr.right” fantasy and are quite practical about wanting someone compatible, no flashy cars, no hefty bank balance necessary, but neither of the two would hurt.

The most interesting observations came from young men. They were asked what they thought about young single women hiking up the career ladder. Nasir, a 25 year old television producer feels, “It’s a good change, because now women can be respected in terms of their own achievements, rather than their husbands”. Mohammed, 29 year old event planner, on the other hand, sings a different tune, “career-women seem to think marriage will be an attack on their independence”. Many feel that women are being more focused on their own lives and accomplishments, forgetting the smaller things in life. With new found success and skills comes a changed set of rules and boundaries.

As women venture into accountancy, media jobs and advertising, fields that were predominantly men’s areas, women can now challenge what they are expected to do. This requires a major shift in attitude on the part of parents and society on the whole, to accept. The young men were torn when asked about their take on how tolerant society is of this trend. Asim, a 27 year old multimedia artist raises an eyebrow, “When women are no longer dependant on their husband for support, because they have their own careers, marriage becomes an option.

Professional women will be accepted in society, as long as they strike a balance between home and office”. As far as the negative repercussions, Mohammed jibes, “The number of unmarried women is increasing and lets face-it, physically and mentally the later they marry the worse off they and their families are”. Asim chooses to look at the bigger picture, “we see what happens in the west, with poor family ties, single-parents, divorce. Hopefully our Pakistani women know better, they’ve been raised with the importance of family values”. Mamun jumps in with a rejoinder, “Well how many women are actually a part of this trend, the 2 % elite who can afford the luxury of education and jobs?”

Its important to note, this trend has not spread like wild-fire. It remains exclusive to a certain section of society. Even though more and more young women, even from under-privileged families who can afford professional education, are stepping out, commuting to work and pushing the boundaries. Nasir, discerningly paints a realistic picture, “unfortunately our society is resistant to this change and I can see working women branded as besharam or unislamic, but in time the dynamics will change and I don’t think the career woman will be such an anomaly anymore”.

There is one fragment of our society that gets an intimate look at women’s new found verve. Nasir astutely comments, “I think women’s expectations have evolved, they can now see more to life than making chapattis and rearing children. But society’s views have remained stagnant, and a home-maker bride is still more desirable than a wilful career woman”. Mamun is being honest when he says, “The Pakistani male is immensely insecure, and so a powerful woman makes him defensive”. There is a right-wing approach.

Many people feel that by changing what is expected and allowed, women are now changing the dynamics of home life and instead of just reaching out for their rights they are over-extending it. There is something to be said, about taking something too far, and being unreasonably and adamant about the demands we make on society. The time and day we live in, as liberal as Pakistan may become, we are still a conservative country, and the majority of our women are completely oblivious and unaffected by such trends. We might end up widening the gulf between us and what our nation socially and morally stands for, to the point where a confrontation becomes inevitable.

Having said that, the irrefutable benefit is the growth and the changes in personality that women undergo once they step outside and face the world. Most of the women feel they are now more assertive, more confident, able to speak their mind. Our society has not been permissive to women for so long that now when they dare to speak, they make sure they are heard. With a burst of women in the media, directors, producers, hosts and performers alike, women are getting noticed. Previously held back by the fear of being judged and labelled, they are now conditioning the Pakistan man and society to take them as they are.

The downside has been, waking up to reality. It isn’t easy to unlearn what they are taught at home and at college, and realizing that it takes a lot more to survive in the real world. The conniving, the bitchiness, the competition turning nasty and bowing down to demands can sometimes lead to cynicism.

Marvi confesses, “I’ve learnt how to sell my work and meet deadlines, but in the process I’ve lost a lot of my enthusiasm”. Attia agrees Most of the young women are now better at handling people, tough situations, rising to the task and have become better judges of character and more pragmatic about life, leaving the Julia Roberts and Judith McNaught idealism behind. While having lost out on quality time which they could spend with family or on grooming their health and fitness, it’s a win some lose some situation. The world may not see it, but they are sacrificing what young women, growing up in affluent homes did just a few years ago. Finishing up a degree and whiling away time at home, between books and travel, until a suitable match was made.

On the choice of young women who ignore or put career and education on hold, for marriage, Natasha spoke out, “I guess these women don’t understand the importance of being independent and self-reliant, marriage is a gamble, what if you lose?” most women felt that different things make different people happy, so it would be unfair to judge someone on choosing to commit and marry at an early age or remain single and work.

Lastly, they were asked about the pressure they felt, to conform. Marvi explained, “We have to be careful about our lifestyle choices because we could be labelled as taiz, so we end up living two lives, one for the world, and one for our personal self”. Natasha hits a nerve for the majority of young single women, “its not the adults that end up pressuring me, its married girls my age who say, you should think about settling down or, don’t worry you will find someone someday”.

I would have to agree with her on this one, I was sailing along working hard, growing as a person, not realizing that I belong to a rapidly dwindling species of “unmarried” twenty-somethings and that this was a matter of grave concern. It is still hard to believe for many people, young and old alike, including my mother, that I actually want to make a career and am not just doing this for fun.

Most of the young men and women agree that overall, this trend will propagate a positive change. Nasir brings his point home by saying, “Look at the developed nations; they rely on the productivity of both men and women. It doesn’t help us to keep half our workforce within the confines of the home, our society will flourish as long as the balance is kept”. The trick lies, in finding a balance and adjusting to the change. Men have been allowed free reign, with erratic working styles, while the women remained home, and made a go of it. Now it’s the chance for men, to prove they belong to a progressive school of thought. After all the multi-cultural exposure, the foreign degrees and modern thinking, what do our young men have to show for it? Are they willing to sit back and allow women to do what they need to do, or will their conditioning seep through and turn them into demanding husbands who aren’t quite ready to let the wife keep late hours, travel or god forbid earn more money than them.

Amena’s profound conclusion brings an end to the discussion, “In my alternate life, I could have a 4 year old child by now, doing the wife/husband/home-thing, but we don’t get parallel lives. I’m just trying to make the best of the one I have and enjoying myself while I’m at it”.

The truth is its all about choices. As free spirited human beings we are in a position to opt for the direction we wish to take, how long we can keep on it depends on how committed we truly are and the circumstances we find ourselves in. We are standing at the tip of the iceberg, there is much more yet to come, and only time will eventually show the true colours of the avant-garde women who is pushing the envelope, and redefining what it means to be a woman.