Vanishing Soul

It was long after 2:00 am in the morning and the silence was getting uncomfortable with every second passing. This unvoiced tension had been between us for so long that I now couldn’t recall talking to her last time. I was looking at her, wanting her to say anything to start the conversation but I could only find a stony looking stranger in front of me with the coldest eyes. I had known her all my life but I couldn’t recognize her today, I realized how long it had been since I had really met her. How could I be so ignorant? How could I forget about her all that time?

I added up all my strength to talk to her, I never felt this hard to be with her ever….but right now I had to think of words that could convey my feelings.
“We need to talk”, I said hesitatingly, clearing my throat.
She didn’t move, nor did she say anything, just glanced at me with that same coldness.

“I know I should have said that a long time ago, but I never thought that you would leave me alone.” I wanted to clarify.

“Maybe I had chosen the wrong path, but I had always been true to you, you were the one where I always confide. I thought I was fulfilling what you dreamt for us.” I was only trying to make her speak.. something.. anything but she wasn’t even listening to me.

“I thought we both wanted the same things, this life, the success, the respect, and the love from everyone around us”. “Didn’t you want to make everyone around us happy?” I asked her in a breaking voice.

“Yes, I wanted to make people happy, but not in this way.” She said “You wanted to make everyone who was anyone happy that you forget that it might make me unhappy.”

“You knew all the way that I was the one getting hurt, I was the one giving away my dreams because of that but you didn’t stop.” Her voice was almost monotone. I had never heard her like that; she was the one more energetic among us.

“Yes I wanted a successful life, but I didn’t know our definition of success and life were that different”, “I wanted to have a happy life for us, a life that had dreams and wishes, a life that had people who love us for what we are. the life that does not demand us to change the real us but you chose the life that demanded too much on my part” her voice was still low but her eyes were screaming with questions. It had been so long since she talked that much that her voice was shaky, like she had finished a long journey to nowhere.
“But you never stopped me..you could have asked me, directed me like you always did. You were the one who planned everything.” I complained for the first time.

“I did, I tried to stop you from ignoring me, I tried to tell you so many times that I don’t want to give away my thoughts and dreams just to make someone happy, but you were never listening. All you did was disregard anything I said. So it’s better that I stay away from you” Her response had not changed a bit, she was still a stranger.

“How can I survive without you, you know that’s impossible”. I tried to make her emotional like I always did. That had worked almost always but it seemed that it wont work this time because her expression didn’t change at all.

“I failed to change you.” She said looking into my eyes, I could see the hurt in her eyes. “The only other way is that I change my way. It’s useless for two strangers to stay together when they sometimes don’t even remember that the other person even exists.” She clarified that my tricks won’t work now.
“You don’t want me to dream, you want me to change my vision, then you are asking me to be someone I’m not. You have chosen this, your so called ”practical life” by dispensing my dreams and hurting my soul so you better be alone” She had almost ended the lifelong relation. She paused for a brief moment. “I was made of those dreams.” She said in that same low but totally composed voice. Her voice was as cold as her expression, giving no options and taking no alibis.

She was still there in front of me, but there was nothing to say now. I could see that stranger in the mirror across me, and I knew inside that I had lost her. I had lost that “me” in myself. Maybe I knew that since long but I didn’t want to accept that but now there was nothing I could do except live without life, survive with this emptiness inside. I have to live with this hollow heart, which has no dream, no wish and no reason to love myself. I had lost that me who had taught me to love, smile and make others smile. Who taught me to dream and make dreams come true. I am here now alone, with an barrenness that would cover my life forever.