Why Not Adopt

Ours was a typical arranged marriage, most of our conversations began once we were engaged. Soon we discovered we had several things in common, one of the most surprising was that both of us wanted to adopt a child sometime in the future. I had never expected that I would get a spouse who would be so positive about adoption, given that I had lived all my life in Pakistan. Unfortunately, adoption is still very much a taboo in most households in our country, even for couples who are not able to have children of their own.

Over the last four years since we’ve been married we have found a great deal of opposition to our ideas, most of this is based on arguments that can be easily defeated. The arguments against adoption by fellow Pakistanis are usually either of an emotional or a religious nature. I find it hard to accept any of these.

Those of an emotional nature are the most frequent among the ones I have heard, especially from women. Women, from our part of the world, it seems don’t have much faith in their own capacity to love and nurture, even though God has made women the natural caregivers of humanity. Whenever I mention my dream of adopting a baby to a group of women the negative clamor is actually amusing. I have heard everything from “how can you love a child that you have not given birth to?”, “you cant love someone else’s child especially when you don’t even know what his lineage is”, “If I never have a baby of my own I will live my life as a childless woman but I could never imagine adoption”. A couple of women told me that once I have a child of my own I would realize it is impossible to love anyone but my own flesh and blood.

My husband initially thought our first child should be adopted but finally agreed to let me bear a child first. Bearing a child felt like it would complete the human experience for me and in many ways it did. It was a fantastic feeling carrying the baby and finally to get to see him nestled in our arms once he was born. Our son was born a year and a half ago. We were both overwhelmed by the unexpected rush of new emotions. Since then our lives have never been the same. Previously we had worried about sleepless nights, dirty diapers and having to sacrifice our nightlife. Well we got plenty of nightlife, only instead of dinner and a movie it was endless trips to the baby’s crib and taking turns holding him until his colic was soothed and he learnt to sleep at night rather than during the day.

Our friends tell us we are obsessive parents, we hang onto his every move, and we get ulcers when he doesn’t eat right. We’ve even installed a mirror in our car so we can see him through our rear-view mirror while we drive and he is safe in his rear-facing car seat. A few times I almost swerved the car off the road being too engrossed in watching him.

I often think about the comment on realizing how impractical adoption would be once we’ve had our own children. Those who said that couldn’t have been more wrong, at least in our case. We both agree that since our son has been born our desire to adopt a child has increased manifold. It is now that we can appreciate the unconditional love that only a parent can give a child. Coupled with that is the constant care and nurturing that a child needs. A baby is so helpless and unable to do anything for he that if he does not get the love and care he deserves him can grow up with serious problems and abnormalities.

We see our own son and how he revels in our attention. Now that he is older he bangs on things, tries to make us laugh, prance around doing a funny dance, anything just to get our attention. At the same time he gets a complete sense of security in our presence. If he feels threatened he knows exactly who to run to for protection. He cries inconsolably when one of us leaves the house.

When I think about orphaned or abandoned children I feel terribly pained to imagine that the nurturing and constant attention that my son gets to take for granted is not available to them, just by accident of birth. Love is every child’s birthright. Most people in Pakistan have not visited their local orphanages. But those who have know that even in the best orphanages the children being raised have mournful, hungry eyes. They look hopefully at the visitors to see if they will be chosen to go to a real home. Sadly, in Pakistan not many such children get the chance. How many of these children even get something free like a hug and a kiss every day? Or even once a week?

What I would like to tell people who fear they cannot do justice to an adopted child is to have a better opinion of themselves. Don’t limit your love just to your own flesh and blood, go beyond that and discover your higher self. If the human race strives to reach its physical and intellectual potential, then what is so unworthy about trying to reach one’s emotional potential?

Each baby is born helpless, unprejudiced and pure. I find it hard to imagine that we would not find any love within ourselves to give to such a child, whether or not it is biologically ours.

The religious argument is in my opinion the easiest and most incorrect way to escape the problem. The other day an older gentleman told me he had wanted to adopt a little girl but could not do so because being a Muslim he felt it was not an option open to him and his wife.

A couple of months ago I was watching a program on a local Pakistani private channel where people would call in to get religious advice. A lady called and said she was unable to have children of her own and wanted to adopt a child. She wanted to know the implications of that in Islam. The program’s host spoke with near disgust as he told her she could adopt if she really wanted to, but she should remember that the child would be na-mehram for her if it was a male child and na-mehram for her husband if it was a girl child, once the child reached puberty. Secondly, he told her you cannot give the child your own last name. The question was then put forward to the two religious scholars on the set. Both of them echoed the host’s words and basically put an overall negative spin on the whole issue. I don’t know if the poor lady decided to go ahead with the adoption after all after this.

I was enraged by this episode. The first thing that should have been quoted on the subject is the following hadeeth: The Holy Prophet (may Allah bless him and give him peace) said: "I and the person who looks after an orphan will enter paradise together like this", then he raised his forefinger and middle finger together. (Bukhari).

What comes to mind next is the Prophet’s (peace be upon him) adopted son, Zaid bin Haris. The Prophet raised him with so much love and compassion that even when Zaid’s real father came to claim him he refused to go with him and chose instead to stay with his adoptive father.

It is nothing short of our own ignorance that makes us give a religious color to our prejudice against adopting orphaned and abandoned children. Otherwise we would pay more attention to the repeated commandments in the Holy Quran regarding every Muslim’s responsibility towards orphans and our duty to do justice to them. I doubt that we as Muslims are doing any justice at all to our society’s unloved and uncared for children by ignoring their growing numbers in decrepit orphanages.

Having moved to the US a few years ago I have found that here it is a completely different story. Americans race to adopt children, whether or not they have their own. I know a lot of couples who have not been able to conceive in their first few years of marriage and they have spent thousands of dollars in the legal adoption process so they are able to raise a child of their own. Many others have children of their own but still choose to adopt. A good percentage chooses international adoption. It is a common sight to see a Chinese child in the arms of a white American woman these days. After the tsunami disaster, hundreds of Americans were clamoring to adopt Indonesian children but were told to hold onto their enthusiasm and donate money instead of parental love at this initial stage.

Why is there such a difference in culture between here and there? Perhaps because we are afraid to let go of our old fashioned fears even when the religion we take so seriously asks us to show more compassion and love to those most in need of it. In other arenas of our life we seem to have moved forward by applying western ideals to our eastern lives. If fashion, media and technology adopted from the west is so attractive to us, then why not their open mindedness about issues such as these, especially when it is consistent with Islam? Younger couples should take the responsibility of at least one non biological child during their lifetimes. My husband and I are getting frustrated by the visa restrictions that are momentarily making it illegal for us to adopt a baby.

Many of the older couples in Pakistan face the empty nest syndrome these days, especially thanks to the mass exodus of young people in search of greener economic pastures elsewhere in the world. These couples are usually not financially strapped because of the regular remittances they receive from their children abroad. What they do miss, however, is the love and attention they used to shower on their children who are no longer living with them. Would it not be a good idea to re-direct some of this attention to those children who have been deprived of any kind of love?

Its time we let go of taboos that are the cause of the deterioration of societies and live beyond ourselves. It would do us all a world of good and perhaps help to bring smile on a tiny face that asks for nothing but a little bit of love.