An Interview with a Pakistani Fan

[The following is a transcript of a conversation that took place between renowned social scientist and associate professor of Sociology at Punjab University, Dr. Mutazalzaluzzaman Tarar Wattamaar, and the chairman of Anjuman-e-Tuhafazz-e-Fanayaan-e-Pakistani-Cricket (Organization for the Protection of Pakistani Cricket Fans), Mr. Afsandyar Jam Nashirminday.]


[MTW] Ladies and gentlemen, today I will be speaking to an esteemed member of Pakistani society – the cricket fan. We’ve all heard about them but how many of us can claim to really know them. In a society known for its propensity for excesses and overreactions, it is the cricket fan that provides stability. He brings sanity to a people that are ever-ready to explode at the slightest of opportunities. Tonight we explore the minds of these great creatures. Please join me in welcoming the honourable Asfandyar Jam Nashirminday.

[AJN] Thank you for that deserved welcome.

[MTW] First question of the night: what do you say to the rabid imbeciles also known as “experts” who say that you and your followers are a menace to society and all things civil and that your kind should be caged and shipped off to Kabul?

[AJN] Well my first reaction is and I paraphrase, “you mofos are so dead… My boys and I are going to slit your throats while you sleep.” But of course, I only kid when I say that…

To these useless persons, I say good sirs please leave cricket to those who understand it and go take up a girly sport like squash or something. What do they really know about cricket? After all, all they ever did was play cricket at the highest level possible for extended periods of time thus, gaining practical and very real insights into the intricacies of the game. If that started qualifying people to be experts then everything we know about leadership and governance in Pakistan must be based on a lie.

[MTW] What is your stance on the stoning of players’ houses and the match fixing allegations that surface practically every time Pakistan loses a big match?

[AJN] Ah… My naïve little social scientist… See this is another case of what I like to call Pakistan Cricket Myths or PMS’s. It is a little known fact that that the shameful practice of stoning a said person’s house was started in the late 1600s. What happened was that in Salem, some Pakistani cricketers got together and accused a Pakistani fan of being a witch when he refused to pay them the weekly cricket bhata. The situation got messy and before you know it the cricketers were pelting the poor man’s house with Kookaburras. This resulted in a revolt and the tyrannical rule of Pakistani cricketers was overthrown. This noble revolution is remembered by the monthly stone pelting pilgrimage of players’ houses. It is merely a symbolic ritual with little or no serious side-effects. If anything it has enhanced our standing as a people around the world. Tell me when we stone our players’ houses or call in death threats to their families or burn their effigies, which overseas Pakistani doesn’t feel proud of his heritage? Tell me and I’ll make sure his house also gets stoned or he at least gets his effigy burned.

[MTW] Bravo, bravo… what a detailed response. If only all our leaders were this accountable and straightforward. Another charge leveled against Pakistani fans is that they are hypocrites of the highest order. I, of course, consider such talk to be nothing but blasphemy. For example, they say that you criticize the team for their inability to speak fluent English while the literacy rates across Pakistan are nothing to write home about. How do you respond to that?

[AJN] This is another one of those PMS’s I was talking about. The reason why we as the spokespersons of Pak fans are so bothered by the, pardon my French, retardedness of our players is that everyone the world over knows that if you can speak English you’re smart and if you can’t, you’re a burden on Mother Earth. So, in a way, you could say that we’re just concerned environmentalists, really…

[MTW] So, since you’re such a big fan of all things English, you must be happy with Bob Woolmer’s appointment?

[AJN] Don’t mention that guy’s name in front of me. He makes my blood boil. All I will say about him is that he is here to destroy Pakistan cricket and is part of a Zionist conspiracy to destroy the Ummah much like the Imran-Jemima marriage.

[MTW] I apologize if I offended you. Let us move on to a lighter topic. I’ve heard great things about your cricketing anecdotes. Would you please share some with us tonight?

[AJN]: Of course, I will. After all, I’m here to illustrate to intellectual pygmies such as the watching public what great thing one can accomplish with a beautiful brain like mine. Let me deal with a very popular PMS that has become a pseudotruth among the unsophisticated masses which suggests that Wasim Akram, the so-called Sultan of Swing, was a swing bowler. Nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, Akram himself said that he wasn’t a swing bowler. Instead he only thought of himself as a regular English seamer no different from say an Azhar Mehmood. But say to your so-called cricket expert Joe Blow and he’ll blow his top.

[MTW] But I thought what made Wasim so great was that he could swing AND seam the ball in the same delivery which greatly enhanced the mystique of Wasim’s bowling. And I must say that personally I consider him to be the greatest bowler (of any type) to ever step foot on the cricket field.

[AJN] See it is because of people like you that this society needs people like me. Wasim was a fine exponent of reverse swing but he couldn’t swing the ball. Period. Take it from me. It is a fact.

[MTW] But how can you reverse swing the ball if he couldn’t swing the ball the conventional way?

[AJN] One word: ball-tampering. Akram was a ball tamperer and hence, was able to reverse swing the ball. Swing takes real talent baby... the kind Akram didn’t have. Correct me if I’m wrong but I think I might’ve just blown your mind there…

[MTW] You did. You sure did… So, can you please define reverse swing for us?

[AJN] It is the opposite of swing.

[MTW] What is swing?

[AJN] It is what Wasim couldn’t do.

[MTW] Can you please explain that in absolute terms instead of relative terms?

[AJN] Yo, listen biatch I ain’t a fking PhD on swing here. I’m just a fan who likes to jerk around cricket ignoramuses such as you. If you want real insight, go sleep with Aamir Sohail or something.


[The interview had to be aborted when Mr. Nashirminday pulled out a suspicious looking bag from the niswaar pocket located close to his crotch area and started pelting Dr. Wattamaar with what were later found to be little stone pellets.]