An Unnecessary Interview with History

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, welcome to the show tonight – your own show from New York and I am Oriana Fassadi.

Tonight we have an unnecessary interview with ex- Chief Executive, ex- Chief of Army staff and soon to be the ex- President of Pakistan, General Pervez Musharaff. But before we go further, let me inform you that they say that a General never retires, which means that it remains both a parasite and a scavenger even after out-living its utility in case if there was any in the first place – and this dual distinction as you know is quite dictated by the state of the victims as such – the parasite function for living organisms and the scavenging for the dead... but in either case since the blood has to be sucked, the dead meat ravished – some one has to do it and therefore we have our Pakistani Generals in general and our guest tonight in particular, who as a particular, has exceeded all previous records of all particulars. I will also like to add here that not only has this individual feasted on the Pakistani tax payer’s money but on the Americans tax payer’s as well –but above everything else he is a very charming man.

And also with us tonight is another guest ladies and gentlemen, all I can say about this man is that he has himself requested to be a guest on our show tonight, in fact he has insisted, according to him this is his only chance to seem as credible, honest and upfront in comparison - once the General has already spoken... So ladies and gentlemen we will also welcome later tonight... Mr O J Simpson... I think it is going to be a historical program tonight, I only wish Hitler was also alive as well as Jack the Ripper...

But for the faint hearted, there is a silver lining to the clouds as well ladies and gentlemen, President Musharaff is not in the studios with us tonight, we have been spared his live charms... actually he, Eidhi and Amy Vinehouse reached New York on the same flight and due to some administrative blunder all were allowed into the country except for Musharaff and his team who were instead detained, strip searched and then deported. However, the USA officials have now realized their mistake and have already apologized to the Pakistani officials – who if I may add seemed rather pleased by this diplomatic gesture... but anyway, in order to salvage the situation, I immediately flew to Pakistan instead to record the interview... and therefore here we go...

(A giant screen appears from nowhere at this point, and one can see Musharaff sipping pomegranate juice and munching roasted almonds... yes the almonds mentioned by both Marianne Pearl and Jamima Khan... and at this very moment, some one from the live audience screams... Oh, he is drinking blood... no it is Bloody Marry you idiot, someone else shouts... it is bloody in any case someone else decides to add... who has paid for it, another asks...)

Oriana Fassadi: 'Mr President, is it true that the Pakistanis have rejected the religious extremist in the elections?'

President Musharaff: ‘Yes, one can never depend on these bloody Mullahs. They always tend to let one down at the most crucial time...’

Oriana Fassadi:'So does this mean that you are not the only non-extremist person in a nation of 170 million?'

President Musharaff: ‘No that is not true. Your inference is illogical.’

Oriana Fassadi:'Mr President, do you believe in democracy?'

President Musharaff:‘Of course I do – but we have our own ways to do things. We are a different society. The needs of our people are quite different to the rest of mankind.’

Oriana Fassadi:'And do you believe in Human Rights?'

President Musharaff:‘Of course I do – but we have to first determine which humans we are talking about here before we make our final decision on a case to case basis. For example, Billal has Human Rights, he deserves it, but that does not mean that every Tom, Dick and Harry should also have them...’

Oriana Fassadi: 'And Mr President, do you believe in free media?'

President Musharaff: ‘Of course I do – but have you seen our journalists – do they look like media to you from any angle...?’

Oriana Fassadi: 'And do you believe in a free judiciary?'

President Musharaff: ‘I think it is very important, but first we have to make sure that our judiciary is not third rate for how can one have a free judiciary if all judiciary is corrupt...?’

Oriana Fassadi: 'And what do you say about free economy Mr President?'

President Musharaff: ‘I love free economy. In fact it is due to free economy only that we have the largest army shit house in the world (Fauji Fertilizer). And because we always have the best man for the job, we currently have Muna Khabees who heads this largest army shit house in the world...’

Oriana Fassadi: 'What is your opinion Mr President about the politicians?'

President Musharaff: ‘They are the scum on the face of the earth as we all know.’

Oriana Fassadi: 'And what about the civil bureaucracy?'

President Musharaff: ‘They are corrupt without doubt.’

Oriana Fassadi:'And the businessmen?'

President Musharaff: ‘They are even more corrupt.’

Oriana Fassadi:'Are there at all any non-corrupt people in your country Mr President?'

President Musharaff: ‘Well, to be honest, I now have doubts about the army as well... actually every body has turned out to be corrupt in the last eight years ... and this is why I hope for an extension after serving for another five years.’

Oriana Fassadi: 'Now a crucial question Mr President - do your have any respect for anyone – I mean, for any of your citizens...’

President Musharaff: ‘The point is not that – it is the other way around that is more important. You see the thing is that people love me. They think I am very cute.’

Oriana Fassadi:'Are you sure about that Mr President?'

President Musharaff: ‘There are no doubts. Wait I will show you... Rushi, Rushi come here, come... come here, good boy...’ Musharaff shouts. ‘Come here, yes, good boy, sit, sit, roll, roll, yes, good boy... Do you see Fassadi, can you see the love and affection people have for me... not to mention loyalty... can you see this... is the camera rolling...’

Oriana Fassadi:'But Mr President, this man does not seem to have any brains...'

President Musharaff: ‘But this is the point. You don’t know. Let me tell you, this man does have access to a brain which you may not know of - but every morning, he leaves it at home, waves good bye, and drives here to Camp Musharaff so that there is no conflict of interest while obeying my each and every command.’

And at this point a feeble voice is heard...
‘I do have brains. I think that General Musharaff is so good that he should be given the additional charge of being the President of Amreka, wallayat, Cheen and Hindustan as well as Angrazi Murghi (Turkey)’... the feeble voice says with an unknown dignity in the background.

‘Quiet Rushi quiet,’ the General turns around and addresses him ‘Only speak when you are told... has someone at home not taught you to be modest...?’

Oriana Fassadi:'Ok, Mr President, here is my next question, do you think you can be impeached?'

President Musharaff: ‘Look, I don’t know about this peach, oranges and tomatoes business. All I know is that I can act in a fatherly manner towards Nawaz, Zardari and Amin Fahim – to all of them together if need be...’

Oriana Fassadi:'And what if Sherry Rehman is to become the prime Minister?'

President Musharaff: ‘Do I look stupid. Don’t I have to draw the line somewhere...’

Oriana Fassadi:'And what do you think is your legacy Mr President?'

President Musharaff: ‘ On the economic front, I have increased the national debt at the rate of one billion each year, not to mention the $10 billion that came as foreign investment to make us peaceful, and I have increased the inflation rate beyond leaps and bounds. I have also brought great advancements in telecommunication by allowing Nokia phones into the country. On the political front I have given a voice to the tribal folks and the provinces and on almost every street. And on the education front, I have closed down all madrassahs that provided substandard education. Then on the social front I have successfully pointed out the corruption in the society... etc etc.’

Oriana Fassadi:'Any regrets Mr President?'

President Musharaff: ‘Yes, a few. I think I should have made Rushi the Prime Minister and Zarar the Finance Minister. Kiyani should have been appointed as the Chairman Cricket Control Board and Brigadier Cheema the Interior minister...'

Oriana Fassadi:'Mr President, will you ever resign...'

President Musharaff: ‘I asked you a question earlier... do I look stupid...? although me and my family are much more wealthy than we were when we came in eight years ago... but you tell me, would you resign if you were in my place... can you not see the pomegranate juice, the roasted almonds, the tea-breaks, the free lunches, the free bed and breakfast... do I look like a commander who would forsake his post....?’

(The interview ends here and O J Simpson is called to the stage. He looks pleased and confident. He knows he can ride the wave now. And the live audience soon sees some hope in humanity once again...)