Deranged Arranged Marriages

Its hard to discard the everyday conversations that I have with my parents. Gotta love em, now to people who dont have brown parents, our regular conversations would seem really funny, for example...

I had exams for the past two weeks, so being lazy I didnt shave or cut my hair, i looked like a hair ball with eyes... well not that ugly but you get the point, so after exams being the normal human being I am I decided to shave, and a very amusing conversation with my mother followed soon after.

Mom: HOLD ON! where are you going?
Asad: Umm to the grocery store, you just asked me to get you some bread
Mom: Yeah but why did you shave and when did you get a haircut?
Asad: Uhh because i wanted to look normal again and not so fuzzy
Mom: Come upstairs i want to take a look at you
Asad: Mom I dont have time for this...
Mom: Come here right now!
Asad: *now thinking she was serious I decided to oblige to avoid from getting yelled at*
Mom: Hmm you have cologne on, why?
Asad: I just took a shower, changed my clothes and wanted to smell nice
Mom: Hmmmm
Asad: You know what mom, just say it, I know what you’re going to say...
Mom: What? I didnt say anything?
Asad: *rolls eyes*
Mom: Asad, are you going out with someone? who is the girl? please son you dont know these girls they dont love you, they want your money, they’ll put some weird charge on you saying that you’ve done something to them and then you’ll be left with nothing.
Asad: Mom, im not rich I have nothing, and no im not dating anyone... relax
Mom: Yeah I know I trust you...just telling you about girls.

So I finally left to go get some bread after the intense interrogation but I was thinking about what she said last... "I trust you", hahaha such a bold lie. I have no idea why my parents worry so much about me running behind their back and trying to get married, do I look like a bollywood star? I mean I can’t even joke about things like that...

Mom: Why are you wearing that yellow bracelet?
Asad: It’s to support cancer victims
Mom: Huh? I didnt hear you, what did you say?
Asad: *trying to be funny* my girlfriend and I decided that we’re going to get married and so we both decided that we’d give eachother bracelets until we can afford rings.
Mom: Haha very funny, tell me whats it for
Asad: ( I didnt say a word, just looked at her and smiled)
Mom: OMG! asad what are you doing? did you seriously do it? what does she look like? is she shia?
Asad: Haha relax! im joking
Mom: Take off that bracelet right now!
Asad: Why?
Mom: just do it...
Asad: mom, dont you believe me?
Mom: Aww son you know I believe you :) .... TAKE IT OFF NOW!

And my yellow cancer support bracelet has been off my hand ever since... I just dont understand it, I mean im like the farthest thing away from marriage. It’s so much easier for white people they pick someone and its like,

"Hey Mom Dad, thats who your daughter in law is gonna be" and they’re like, "Cool, grab us a beer on your way out..."

See! its so much more easier for white people and anyone else who isnt brown, yeah imagine the day I decide to do something like that, "hey mom, dad! look who it is... no not the housemaid... its your daughter in law! we’re married!

Mom: I HAVE NO SON
Dad: WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS??
Asad: Mom, dad relax her name is Samina Bich
Dad: Huh? son of a bitch?
Mom: Omg! my son married a bitch!
Asad: No no, its Samina Bich she’s half croatian, err nevermind anyways I came to tell you guys I love her and we eloped last week.
Mom: Oh no! hey son, remind me again what do they call divorce in Arabic?
Asad: Urrm thats kinda random, but uhh I think its talaaq?
Mom: Come again?
Asad: Talaaq!!*
Mom: Huh? whats the word
Asad: Talaaq I said talaaq!!
Mom: AHA! you said it three times, she is not your wife anymore, we found you a new one, beautiful one just came in from pakistan, cooks and everything.
Asad: Okay lets not be dramatic now, this IS my wife guys...
Mom: My God! okay I know what we can do...
Asad: Accept her?
Mom: No im not talking to you idiot! ohh you and I will have a talk young man, sit down!
Mom to dad: We’ll tell people that she is a sorceress and had our son under a spell and forced him to marry her because she wants his money...
Asad: what money?
Dad: good idea!
Asad: *shakes his head*

*for those of you guys who are reading this and wondering what talaaq is, when you say it three times for muslims, thats a religious binding divorce

Its like they are advertising some car or like a new product or something, its funny this whole system of arranged marriages... its like investing in something, where women are treated like property, and the parents of the daughter act like salespeople. It just amazes me how much marrying your daughter off and being a salesperson relate to eachother.

Asad’s Parents: So your daughter, does she cook and clean? is she educated?
Daughter’s parents: Yes yes! 100% you wont be dissapointed.
Asad’s Parents: Hmm well depending on her looks and seeing her we’ll decide
Daughter’s parents: Oh yes, please take your time, Maheen please come in..
*bride walks in*
Asad’s parents: wah wah! we’ll take her, I mean accept her, she is wonderful! how much? (literally: cause we usually give dowry to the bride’s parents...)
Asad: Umm do I get a say in this man?
Asad’s parents: We know whats best for you, now play with your blackberry while we talk about important things with the uncle and aunty

Now lets take a look at a vendor selling fish in a fish market...

Asad’s mom: Is this fish clean and gutted? where did you get it from?
Vendor: Oh yes yes! 100% try it once and you’ll keep coming back
Asad’s mom: hmm well lemme see it closely, throw it over here, how much?
Vendor: *throws the fish for inspection*
Asad’s mom: hmmm wah wah good quality, okay ill take it!
Asad: I dont eat seafood
Asad’s mom: Shutup! I know whats best for you...

I mean look at the friggin similarity!! its insane and I mean in keeping with the similarity tradition, shouldnt we be allowed to "try" our investment before we decide to stick with it for life? think about that one...

Like when you’re buying fruit, you’ll try a grape or two to see how sweet they are. Imagine that,

Asad: So can I check to see if its as good as it sounds?
Father of bride: Haha! NO NO! are you crazy? wait till you get married, and then check the shit out of it, I made the one you’re marrying, it should give you about 2 or 3 more... so dont worry you made a good choice, they usually last a long time too...
Asad: You’ve got to be kidding me....

So I guess this topic that started out with my parents’ conversation, ended up in my thoughts about marriage, not very different topics to be honest, when you talk about brown parents you gotta mention their marriage plans for you atleast once!

But I’ve got some advice for all you brown kids out there, take your chances, fall in love, get a date to prom, need an excuse? lie about sleeping over at Abdul or Sana’s house its as easy as that, chances are that the girl won’t feel like property and the hardcore heavy metal guy wont feel like he’s stuck with a backstreet boys CD all his life...

I plan to bring a wife home to my parents, lets just hope they dont read this article before I bring home Samina Bich.