Excursions into dystopia

Ad nausea

One look at a majority of nation’s many TV channels and the first word that comes to mind is ’desperation’. 24 hour networks and not enough software to fill the hours. Not enough software because there aren’t enough actors, hosts, directors, producers, singers, et al. But the show must go on. Must keep running the channels to accommodate the zillions of ads folks from these organizations’ hungry marketing departments scamper out to get.

Getting advertising is the primary aim. Everything else is secondary. There is no precedent anywhere in the world to the amount of commercials that run on Pakistani channels. And the way they are run. Before programs, soon after the title of the programs, more than a dozen times in between the programs, right before the end credits of the program, before the news, after the title of the news, after the headlines, in between the news …

What’s more, even while a program is on there is no respite, as vibrant (and highly distracting) "scroll bars" of all sorts of soap, biscuit, cola, tea and chhalia brands cut across almost a quarter of the screen, while blinding flashers of the same brands dance over the heads of actors, newscasters and hosts… absolute madness, this.

It does not matter what the program is about or who is on. Because it is only in Pakistan where TV channels can also get away by actually having a million ad breaks … deceivingly called "Chhoti si break!" … and those awful flashers and scrolls even during an interview with the President of the country!

I just cannot watch a local TV channel for more than ten minutes at a go. There are no guidelines as to how the ads have to be organized in between programming, like there are on almost all channels beyond Pakistan. No ethics in this respect are seen driving the channels, the companies who want to advertise their brands and the advertising agencies that make their ads.
No planning, nothing.

So do not be surprised if you see a Lux or a Tulsi flasher while the President or a scholar is talking about important political stuff, or the screen is showing flooded roads and broken homes. What is the message? That we should bathe with Lux in the rains and pop a few Tulsi packs while listening to the President speak about terrorism?



Selling grandma

I have taken up this issue with a number of "executive producers" and policy people of many of the Pakistani channels and all they have to say is that they need the advertising to survive and pay the people their salaries. How obnoxiously simplistic!

After all, so do the hundreds of channels everywhere else. Even our Indian counterparts who too are reeling (nay, reeking) with the new found, amoral nouveau-economics of consumerism, even they seem to have a clear policy in this respect. They have a lot of ads as well, but they run it in a way that (comparatively speaking), does not seem as overbearing and rampant or as offending to the aesthetic and intellectual sensibilities of their viewers.

(Frigging "time checks," anyone? I mean duh! What is next on the "available for sponsorship" slot? Grandmothers?).

There just has to be a limit to all this. Because thanks to the desperate non-policy policies regarding advertising on Pakistani channels, none of them can be taken seriously, really.

I mean how can I take a channel seriously when I am told that "Jazz Ladies First Hogayee Hit" right after the headlines proclaiming total devastation in Karachi due to rains. I mean it would have made more sense had the lady been hit by a minibus or drowned in an open nullah! And I can only turn to a saner channel if soon after learning that Nawab Bugti had been killed, I am told by a gentleman, "Main tey Honda laysaan." ("I’ll buy a Honda" in Punjaby).

I mean, really, watching Pakistani channels is like facing one of the finest pieces of black comedy. If only it wasn’t so goddamn slapstick.



The art of spin: We are the Borg

Now, coming back to the question of the lack of any worthwhile people available to run and color these channels. Well, it was somewhat better when we just had a single (state-owned channel). There was very little space to make room for oneself in it. Only the best actors, directors, singers, newscasters, writers and hosts made it. And what made them special was the dreaded channel’s suffocating censor policies. The irony is that such a scenario kept them on their toes and at their best.

It is an irony because now that we have dozens and dozens of channels out there with pretty liberal (even though at times rather contradictory and warped), programming policies, the whole concept (or ability?) of quality seems to have flown out the window.



So what has happened?

1) Talented, established players, have been turned into autoerotic and robotic performers, getting material (if you can call it that) with not an iota of any meaningful or relevant substance. They just seem to be going through the motions dictated to them by the whole idea of "quantity rules!" In the end "all’s well" if this philosophy keeps the channel’s corporate backers happy and does not bother the government and the state by reflecting situations and lives that though in the majority and in a sorry state, are never seen in a teleplay or a music video. What’s even worse is this so-called liberalism’s mighty hypocritical manner in which it keeps buttering the whole institution of mullahism and the Armed Forces. They either do not touch this topic, or keep showing the mullah as a wise old man, and the man in uniform as the most patriotic one this side of cringing chauvinism.

2) Since the number of established players is small, the channels have discovered the notorious and very American ploy of spinning and creating "stars" through zero talent and pure hype. Thus, keeping in mind the amoral, hedonistic sociology being woven by the rampant arrival of the economics of consumerism, the channels started to pull in "educated," English-speaking (preferably with a strange mixture of American and British accents), young people. Till only a few years ago these people were hardly ever seen outside their comfy drawing rooms, even though some did start to venture out to start fashion boutiques and cafes in the cities’ posh localities. Perfect. Because after all, their business ethics, sociology and "beliefs" were an ideal reflection of the "values" being propagated by what we the media so enthusiastically call "Globalization" i.e. consumerism, amoral pragmatism, apoliticism and "neo-liberalism." Meaning, in terms of any worthwhile philosophy, NOTHINGISM!

They are perfect sellers and market for corporate capitalism and great advocates of the depoliticization of youth culture. They, we are told, are "the face of a liberal Pakistan," but without ever stepping on the toes of those who are the backside of real Pakistan (i.e. the army, the mullah, the feudal lord!). Too political, y’know.

So on they come with their dance, gana, fashion, soap operas, award ceremonies, et al. In spite the fact these seriously lack quality and try to make it up with a peculiar brand of highly homogenous quantity (and that too in the name of "individualism"), I’m fine with that. Really am. I mean I hardly watch any, and none would really want me to watch it or worse, comment about it, now would they?

My entire journalistic and writing career I have been a "recluse," but believe me being a "recluse" has never made more sense to me than it does now. I feel unspoiled by the raving ways of "globalization." What a loser!

But what does get to me is when I see some of these folks being given satire shows and discussion programs. Even though I love the whole awkward, unintentional black comedy about it, but gosh! They’ll mutter politics, philosophy, psychology and history like an arrogant (but highly confused), high school kid to whom life and history began after the end of the Cold War in 1990. Ask them when did Zia die, or when was Bhutto hanged, or what were the circumstances behind Ayub’s Martial Law, and they’re likely to run to mama for answers.

And yet I see them on the screen with whole programs being aired to millions of common Pakistanis, most of whom are left scratching their heads as to who on earth are these strange, brown-skinned, English-speaking creatures. Then, of course, after a round of super pretension comes that "choti si break" and "Main tey Honda laysaan."

But the channels know these kids are not a long term solution. In the end nobody worth his or her salt is really taking them seriously (thank heavens for that!). They’ve been spun vigorously by some channels to come out looking like stars, but the channels know it is not working because in the end, even that animated Telefun girl is beating them hands down in the star sweepstakes.

The channels aware of this are now frantically looking for young men and women with real (as opposed to spun and manufactured) intelligence, charisma and star power. So here arrives my third point.

3)Are there any out there? Yes they are, and some have already been part of this neo-liberal circus. Must remind you I am using the term "neo-liberal" very sarcastically. It’s me, y’know. What a loser.

First, there is all the oldie goldies, out of which only Anwar Maqsood and Moin Akhtar have managed to maintain some credibility and actually found a large niche in the new scenario. Unfortunately, most of their contemporaries have allowed themselves to hit an all-time low (even though they are making better money).

Then among the young, Ali Azmat, Strings, Humayun Saeed, Hadiqa, Noori, EP, Call, Faisal Qureshi, Mani, Mekaal Hassan?

Real talent but now suffering an equal amount of well-paid humiliation and mutation in the name of "fashion" and "style" and "art." Unfortunately, they spend more time cursing loser critics like me for (supposedly) asking them to "die of starvation like true artistes," when all I ask of them is to bring a bit more credibility saving method to their quantitative money making sprees.

They have all been lovingly co-opted by the channels’ corporate backers and their spin doctors.

But now the channels are looking at the really difficult ones. The ones who have (through their own work and qualities), found an ever-growing band of admirers among the crowds most interestingly being eyed by corporate brands and thus channels wanting to attract this market.

Four names spring to mind: Aamir Zaki, Fasi Zaka and Sajid and Zeeshan. Way ahead in artistic quality, integrity, intelligence and charisma than all the new "spun out" and manufactured "stars" put together. The channels know this. Therefore, in come some channels knowing these men do not need much spinning. Instead, they decide they need "grooming."

And the co-opting ceremony has already started. Call these people to all the music and fashion awards ceremonies. Let them see what "nice" and "beautiful" people we are. Better still, ask them to perform at these ceremonies and then run their pictures in glossy rags. Tell the people they are one of us!

It is a pretty interesting scenario, really. Amoral "star"-spinners bloated with their successful hunts regarding tons of numbing advertising slots and the hoards of mutants they push down our throats as "stars" (hosts, VJs, actors, musicians, directors, models, etc.). Now they are out to co-opt (read mutate), those with even an inkling of real star power, talent and intellectual credibility.

The spinners are on a high. They are convinced the co-opting of this breed of star material will be a success. Let us hope not.