Hitched Hikers Guide

Like all children I had aspirations of becoming someone when I grow up. But unlike all children who want to be engineers, physicians, surgeons, pilots or as a friend of mine said sucking up to his boss that he dreamt of being a shop-floor-control-systems programmer ever since he was a child; I never aspired for such superficial goals. Being mature beyond my age, I always dreamt of being a Groom (Dulha).

In primary school days, when nobody thinks of their career in terms of amount of money or salary they are going to earn, I had done all my calculations. Based on the average height of my nuclear and extended family I had mentally calculated how high I would grow and how big a garland made of ten rupee notes I can wear. Add to that the money filled envelopes I will get for 'salami' I would be raking in moolah while my classmates would be making pittance as doctors, engineers, shop-floor....etc. However, as I grew older and became more mature, I realized that with inflation as it was, this strategy might not work. I would have to wear a garland made at least of fifty rupee or hundred rupee notes...

But by the time I finished high school, three things changed. One, I became more mature. Two, the inflation increased. I calculated that at current rate, I had to do the shariah allowed four marriages with five-hundred rupee note garlands to maintain the lifestyle. Three, a change that shattered my dream, rupee note garlands became outmoded in the middle classes of Karachi. I was devastated. I might have gone into depression had I known what depression was. Because of naiveté, and not knowing what else to do, I picked the broken pieces of my dream. As sailors focus on distant objects when sailing to keep from feeling sea-sick, I decided to focus on a (superficial) career like everyone else, while turning the pieces into a flame and burying it deep inside my heart where reality can never extinguish it. Even dead bodies don't remain below the sea for long and here dream was broken yet alive. Time and again, the dream would break to the surface.

The current generation of young men has mapped objectives as milestones in their life such as complete higher education, find a job, make a career, earn some money and then get married. Being a non conformist since childhood I had no such road map. My top most priority was to get married at the first opportunity whereas other objectives were secondary in no order or priority. When it came to marriage, Just Do It was my motto.

Whereas during childhood fate had acted indirectly against me through rising inflation, changing fashions etc, now it had declared open war.

In my first year of university, I had a crush on a girl who was in second year. My cousin was in third year at the same university. He had a crush on her as well. It was not that she was very beautiful. She was ordinary looking but the way she carried herself made her very attractive _ not in catwalk like manner rather in a very dignified manner. Those of you who can relate to Junaid Jamshed's "Sahib-e-Dil" can understand what I am saying. In line with my motto, I talked to my mom about the girl. She said the usual stuff about completing education, finding a job etc. to which I replied that at least get me engaged. She asked my cousin about the girl. My cousin, firstly not having his priorities straight (he wanted to complete his education first) and secondly this being a case of conflict of interest as he was himself interested in her, tried to avoid the subject. However, I kept pressing my mom who in turn pressed my cousin who finally blurted out "Only one of us can remain in this family. The girl or me (himself)". Fate had found an accomplice in my cousin.

As the saying goes, first-year-of-university crush dies hard, the flame flickered on. Time passed, I finished my education and started looking for a job. Meanwhile, my cousin made a career and even got married. On the second day of my first job, I again raised the subject of the girl assuming that my cousin had gotten over her. My mom again asked the cousin for his opinion. This time he said that he feels she is a bit modern and fashionable and would not be able to adjust with my conservative leanings plus she is older than me (a point which was obvious but when mentioned with a right tone can give any boy's mother nightmares). With high divorce rates suddenly becoming a norm and "Saas bhi kabhi bahu thi" being all the rage, my mom again got scared and said no. Later I found out that the guy she married was one year junior than me and she moved with him to his hometown Faisalabad where she is living happily as a housewife within chador and chaar deewari. Modern and fashionable....in Faisalabad....my foot!

My mother is not the social type and being a mother of two daughters she finds it hard to visit girl's house and then to say 'No' as she can empathize with the mother as well as the girl. She prefers that she look at the girl in some event nonchalantly and if she likes her, and then visits their home provided they are accepting proposals. But since mom is not a social animal, she does not to get invited to that many events. As such, initially I went with her to visit a girl's house as arranged by a match maker. We sat in their TV lounge comprising of two two-seater sofas facing each other and a single sofa on the side. I sat on a two-seater on the left side and the girl's father sat on the right side of the sofa. My mom and girl's mom sat opposite to us. The girl's father started talking to me so I twisted on the sofa so that I was facing the father. After ten minutes they brought in the girl and she sat on the single seat sofa such that my back was to her. Now you can really understand how awkward it would be for me to turn my face 180 degrees when I am talking to the father to take a glimpse of the girl. I tried to take a peak through a quick movement of my neck when I bent over the table to pick a glass of Pepsi. I sprained my neck/shoulder muscle. Rest of the meeting, I kept talking to her father with a stiff neck. When we left, I asked my mom to drive the car as the stiff neck made it painful to turn my head to look sideways or even at the side view mirrors. Unfortunately, it didn't work out and I told my mom that I cannot do this i.e., visiting someone's house and then saying 'No!’ I know a lot of people (friends, colleagues, acquaintances) who visit girls' houses one after another saying 'No' and I squirm at the thought of it.

One day my aunt who teaches at Dow Medical College liked a girl who was doing a Post Graduate specialization course. She called up girl's mom to get a heads up and then called my mom who along with my younger brother drove in a taxi to DMC the same day. My mom liked the girl. She called up the girl's mother. The girl's mother asked about my age and found out that I was only couple of years older than her daughter. She said to my mom, "We are pathan and pathan girls start ageing very fast. I think there should be a significant difference between their ages otherwise after five years of marriage, my daughter will look ten years older than her husband". Hmmm...

Soon afterwards, I left to UK for further studies as nothing was materializing on local front. When I had completed my studies in UK, a family friend decided to introduce me to a prospect in London. Because of my religious leanings, the girl to be introduced though had recently completed post graduate studies in Mathematical Sciences yet wore a Niqab despite living most of her life in UK. I was asked to talk a lot with the girl and not act as a typical freshie. The girl's mother (also wearing a niqab) and her grandmother were also there whereas I was with my auntie. I asked her a few questions but since it was her first time I believe, she felt shy and answered in monosyllables. Then I cracked a joke and everybody laughed. I thought in my head "Hansi to phansi" (Yes! This is how I think!) Anyways, we weren’t making any progress despite the girl's grandmother egging her on. So seeing the religious bent, I asked the girl "Dua-e-Qunoot suna dain". The grandmother suddenly came to her defense and said in flawless English "My grand daughter prays five times a day. I'd rather you recite the dua and she checks it". I replied "Mein to teen dafa Qul Huallaho Ahad (Surat Ikhlas) parhta hoon". Needless to mention it didn't work out.

Last year when I was abroad, I was going up the elevator of my hotel after praying the Friday prayers. Another person around my father’s age entered the elevator and he was wearing Shalwar Qameez. I asked him whether he was a Pakistani. He said "Yes". We made some small talk and his floor arrived. Walking out of the elevator he told me "we should meet sometime". This was the only conversation we had till couple of days later when I was leaving to visit someone in the evening. I met the same guy in the middle of the hotel lobby. After some small talk, he asked me “Are you married?” At first I was taken aback by this personal question. I said “No”. He said, “I don’t get why this new generation delays getting married. I have a friend who married late. Its not that he didn’t want to get married but belonging to traditional family where marriages are arranged, he was waiting for his mom and sisters to find him a suitable bride. His mom was old and sisters were married off so no one was there to do the bride hunting. The progress was very slow. To cut the long story short, when he finally got married, his bride was WAY PAST HER PRIME!” (special emphasis on last four words).

I am finally engaged now and will be getting married soon Insha Allah but how that came about and how fate kept trying to put a wrench in the works is a story for a different time.