Interview with the Vamp

Angelina Jolie recently visited Pakistan for the second time in her capacity as a UNHCR goodwill ambassador. She met with the Prime Minister and discussed the plight of the Afghan refugees with him. Using my journalistic influence, I managed to get a thirty-minute interview with Ms. Jolie. Here is the transcript of my enlightening time with the famous Hollywood actress.

Bina Shah: Nice to meet you, Ms. Jolie. Welcome to Pakistan.

Angelina Jolie: Thank you. It’s an honor to be here. Please call me Angelina.

BS: Okay then. I notice that you’re wearing a lovely black shawl.

AJ: Yes, I thought it was best to stay in line with cultural sensibilities.

BS: Is it true that your shawl is made out of the skin of your current boyfriend?

AJ: (aghast) No! Where did you hear a thing like that from?

BS: The same person who told me that you wore a vial of your husband’s blood around your neck.

AJ: It’s not true.

BS: So you didn’t wear a vial of your husband’s blood around your neck?

AJ: Well I did but…

BS: I see you’re not wearing it anymore.

AJ: We are divorced.

BS: Did you know your husband’s put out the vial of your blood that he wore around his neck for sale on Ebay?

AJ: I had no idea

BS: Yes, apparently MIT has put up a bid for hundred million dollars on it; they plan to clone you in their laboratory. One of you for every student. They’re getting tired of the “nerds who can’t find a woman” label.

AJ: I’ll have to talk to my lawyer about that.

BS: So you’re here in Pakistan to promote the cause of Afghan refugees.

AJ: That’s right. The Pakistani government is doing such a fantastic job with helping out the refugees from Afghanistan. We’re so very grateful.

BS: So it’s not true that you’re here only because you want to adopt another child?

AJ: Well, it’s true that I would like to adopt another child as a sibling to my son Maddox.

BS: Yes, well, I heard that you actually want to adopt fifteen children so that you can challenge Mia Farrow’s place in the Guinness Book of World Records for “Most Adoptions by an Insane Hollywood Actress”.

AJ: What is insanity anyway?

BS: I think you’d have to ask Woody Allen that one. You would never marry your son, though, would you?

AJ: (horrified) Are you nuts?

BS: Well, I saw the way you were looking at Colin Farrell in “Alexander”.

AJ: I was staring at him because I couldn’t believe the hair department dyed his hair and forgot to do his eyebrows.

BS: Those were his eyebrows?? I thought they were joke shop caterpillars. So the rumors of you and him hooking up aren’t true?

AJ: Look, Colin is a great guy; so what if he wanted to wear a diaper and have me feed him vodka from a baby bottle? What we do off camera is our business and our business alone.

BS: I hear he tried to seduce a 70 year old actress recently. How do you feel about that?

AJ: He wasn’t hitting on my mother, was he?

BS: No, your grandmother. So how do you like Pakistan?

AJ: It’s wonderful. The people are so friendly and kind. It’s very different from America, though.

BS: We’re all crazy here?

AJ: No, no, no. There’s nothing wrong about being crazy. I won an Oscar for it.

BS: I had a feeling you weren’t acting.

AJ: But yes, Pakistan is different and I understand it’s very strict here, especially for women.

BS: Yes, we have this concept here of honor killing. If you get caught fooling around, your dad and brother have the right to kill you.

AJ: What if you’re fooling around with your brother?

BS: Pardon?

AJ: Never mind. So they kill you, huh? I can see how that can be kind of – er, sexy.

BS: Yes, women say there’s nothing quite as thrilling as getting your head blown off by one of your family members for something you didn’t do.

AJ: Well, I can’t see what’s wrong with a little bloodshed for the sake of passion.

BS: Indeed. So what’s the best thing about Pakistan?

AJ: The men. They’re very handsome.

BS: They’ll be pleased to hear that. Some of our mullahs might even take that as an invitation to marry you, move to Hollywood, and get an American passport.

AJ: I have a diplomatic passport because of the UN.

BS: Do you have to declare your religion on it?

AJ: Not at all. America is a secular country.

BS: I’m not sure that “Satanist” is a valid option anyway.

AJ: I’m not a Satanist but I have total respect for anyone who is.

BS: You would fit right in here. Could you tell me where the handsome men are, by the way?

AJ: They’re everywhere! Your Prime Minister, Showcute Assets, is a very handsome man, for example.

BS: Is he more handsome than Tony Blair?

AJ: Yes.

BS: George Bush?

AJ: Definitely.

BS: Hugh Grant?

AJ: Hmmm… It’s very close.

BS: What is up with him and Jemima anyway?

AJ: I don’t know her very well – she seems lovely, though.

BS: She used to be very popular here. She did a lot for the Afghan refugees too. It’s a shame she had to leave.

AJ: Maybe I can step in and fill the gap.

BS: I’m sure Imran Khan would be delighted. Anyway, that’s all the time we have for today. I can see the FBI agents making strangling and shooting signs at me. It was a pleasure to meet you, Angelina. My brother is a big fan of Tomb Raider 2.

AJ: (Brightens visibly). The movie?

BS: No, the game. Only five people watched the movie and I’m afraid my brother wasn’t one of them.

AJ: (Face falls) Oh.

BS: But don’t worry! I’m sure your new movie with Brad Pitt, “Mr. And Mrs. Smith”, will do very well here. We Pakistanis love a movie where a Western man is trying to kill his wife for a change.

AJ: But I’m trying to kill him too!

BS: Is it true Jennifer Aniston paid $5 million to replace the blanks in both your guns with real bullets?

AJ: No comment.

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