Muslims in Infidelistan: A Ready Reckoner

It’s a sign of the times that a person’s religion is pertinent to international travel. Being a Muslim affects daily life in western countries where, ostensibly, freedom of everything, from cartoons to ice cream flavors and from dildo-less batteries to decaffeinated coffee, is paramount. As Muslims nervously ponder how to behave in western lands, I have compiled numerous suggestions about what to do, what to avoid, what to eat and drink, and how to dress in any of the lands where Shaytan calls the shots.

Let’s face it, when you show up at the airport with your six inch beard, making your face look like a European beaver, your plastic portable lota in one hand, and a prayer rug rolled up in your armpit, you do invite quite a bit of unwanted attention. Your four wives, walking behind you, peering through narrow slits in their burkas and trying to corral your twenty seven brats into a herd, don’t help make your arrival any less circumspect. As you walk past the unfriendly immigration and customs officials, avoiding eye contact, you notice that it is time for afternoon prayers. You hurry to the restroom and start to perform the purifying wazoo. As you let loose a jet stream from your left nostril, you hit the mirror and some of the hardened excretion ricochets off the mirror, hitting your kaffir fellow traveler in the eye. While the dumfounded Dane hurries to the door, you wash your feet, one at a time, in the wash basin, much to the disgust of the German who slips on the watery floor and utters an endless flurry of Bavarian dialect that would make Adolph take notes. You leave the restroom, disappointed at the hostility of Europeans, and wishing that you were back in the Land of the Pure.

Because of my light complexion, I have managed to escape much of the scorn suffered by many of my coreligionists. But, as a Muslim, I am still cautious about being labeled as a terrorist suspect. Having a Hindu last name, I avoid damaging identification by merely listing my first name as an initial – in India I tell them it stands for Sunil. In Europe, it becomes Sunny, in the States – Slim Chauhan. The stupid Americans think that it is an Irish name, like Monaghan, Callahan, or Moynihan. The only thing Irish about me is massive consumption of alcohol and my unbelievably good fortune. Anyway, after years of observation and crafty planning, I am able to help my fellow Muslims with some ingenious ways of surviving persecution at the hands of infidels – especially from Christians and Jews of Caucasian pigmentation. I am listing some suggestions of a general nature, while others are particularly suited for specific areas of the world:

1. Always travel with only one spouse. Leave three of the wives at home. Better yet, in the west, it is more acceptable to travel and live with a girlfriend or mistress. You will blend in better and may even enjoy the variety – not that you need it with the four at home and 72 waiting in paradise.
2. Get a clean shave and shave daily, not like Yasser Arafat, who used to shave every other Tuesday, during a leap year that ended in an odd digit.
3. Muslim women, who are almost always clean-shaven anyway, just need to discard that hijab, burka, chador, or similarly annoying accessory designed to emphasize lack of beauty.
4. Sardarjis need to be especially careful as they appear to be even more Muslim than your average Wahabbi jihadist from Wana. I really feel sorry for the Sikhs. They suffer more than Muslims because of their turbans and beards and enjoy none of the benefits of suntanned manhood. They have not done too many bad things since the rape of Delhi in 1857, the massacres of ‘47, and their bold attempt to make a submarine out of an Air India jumbo jet. Much of my advice is applicable to my Sikh cousins, unless they opt to cut their hair, shave their beards, or go sans kachcha and lungi to display their lack of suntans.
5. Continuing with the words of wisdom - do not perform wazoo in restrooms or pray in public places.
6. Never use words such as Inshallah, Maashallah, Subhanallah, Aztaghfirullah, Chaklalah, Wala Wala, or Dilliwallah, in front of infidels.
7. Do not wear shalwars, dopattas, turbans, Jinnah caps, fez (Turki topi), long flowing robes, or shepherd outfits. By the way, shepherd outfits are great because they don’t have zippers, which the sheep can hear from a mile away.
8. Muslim women should take off their shalwars upon departure from home. Perhaps they can tie the shalwars around the waist and look cool. In any case, they should make it a point to bend over now and then to emphasize unIslamic behavior.
9. Do not carry your lota. Instead, become accustomed to toilet paper. Just remember that unlike Americans, the Europeans, being the cheap bastards that they are, tend to furnish cheaper sand paper in public facilities. Do not steal toilet paper from stalls. It is considered a capital offense in many western countries, punishable by having to consume pork sausages from both ends – of the perpetrator.
10. I know that many Pakistanis think that they are European and don’t look like Indians. Trust me - almost all Mohajirs look Indian, as do most Punjabis, and quite a few Pathans. Indians are considered quite favorably by western officials and it makes sense for Pakistanis to claim being Indian. It might be insulting to you, but would you rather be proud and dead or humble and alive?
11. When you are in the immigration and customs lines, it helps if you are carrying a laptop case. The officials will think that you are an Indian techie. If you don’t have a laptop, then just buy a fake case and put some heavy books to make it look realistic. Do not carry Korans. If you do, then make sure that they are the cheap miniature ones for flushing down the toilets.
12. Try investing in a bottle of Chivas. Loudly declare that you have a bottle of scotch with you as you go through customs. Things will go much more smoothly for you and, being a good Muslim, you don’t ever have to consume the booze. The scotch will age and increase in value – you win coming and going. Allah does reward the righteous.
13. As I advised earlier, please do not pray in public places. Under no circumstances should you perform sijda in Athens or any other place in Greece. If you must perform sijda, make sure that you use a strong wall or corner as a cover. For my Pathan and Sardarji friends, this means facing away from the wall or corner. 
14. When you arrive at the airport, head right for the bar and order a drink. Swap some stories about the bad camel jockey Muslims, their terrorism, and lack of tolerance. If asked about your nationality, tell the bartender and other patrons that you are from India. Take out a laptop if you really want to be convincing. For my Pathan and Sardarji friends, if your laptop is a 386 or later model, try not to spill your drink on your computer.  Lastly, do not tip the bartender; otherwise no one will believe that you are Indian.
15. Try to socialize with other travelers, especially Scots. You may not understand a word they say, but it doesn’t really matter, they can be very friendly. For my Pathan and Sardaji friends, the hairy-legged ones in skirts are the men. The ones with the hairy armpits are the women.  Do not buy drinks for other people, because you will reveal that you are not Indian if you do.
16. If you see a security official, immediately ask about locations of the best whorehouses, strip clubs, or even titty bars. This will put them at ease and remove any suspicions about your being a Muslim.
17. When traveling in India, try to use the last name of Khan and proclaim yourself to be a fast bowler or a movie star. You will be liked and might even get laid. If you are a Pakistani Muslim woman, unless you are in great shape, please do not impersonate a movie star. Indians won’t believe you because most Bollywood starlets are knockouts and in superb shape.
18. If you really want to be convincing in India, ditch the shalwar, put on a dhoti, and shave your head, allowing a few strands to sprout from the top. If you don’t like the taste of cow urine, just park yourself under the gentle creature and take a golden shower. Consuming Uricola would be far more convincing. Try to put as many different red, orange, and white marks over your body, especially the forehead. Start practicing before you leave home by smearing heeng and upton all over your body. That should endear you to the natives.
19. When traveling to Israel, try to speak as much Russian as possible. Make sure that you are well-versed in your knowledge of the Old Testament. You can display your suntan for added credibility, but that may backfire and you may not get laid. Most Semites are disproportionately well-endowed – Moses was not known for his staff without cause.
20. When going to UK or living there, make sure you brush no more than once a week and avoid daily showers. That will get your teeth looking very English and your body smelling like a Lord’s. Use as much Fair ‘n Lovely as possible, because, despite the European Pakistani epidermis, you have to remove a lot of melanin - the English look like kora kaghaz.
21. In France, there is a new atmosphere ever since Muslims made Paris into the real City of Lights. To blend in, you must act like a frog - drink plenty of wine, don’t go near the Eiffel Tower, learn to urinate anywhere, don’t shower, break most of your teeth on that concrete bread, and, most importantly, if you are a woman, learn to give head.
22. When in Rome, do as the Romans do. Put on that short red skirt, but be careful when standing in line. Make sure that there are no Greeks or Macedonians behind you in the line – especially if you have to bend over to move your luggage.
23. In America, make sure not to use knife and fork to eat pizza or fried chicken. Remember not to get too excited when passing by a KFC restaurant. Also, don’t use that awful fork and tablespoon combination – it looks stupid and is a dead giveaway about your Pakistani origin. Under no circumstances should you eat rice, daal, soup, or vegetables with your fingers. Try to put as many American flags as possible on your car to display your unabashed jingoistic patriotism. For my Pathan and Sardarji friends, please do not cover the windshield, headlights, or taillights with the flags, especially when you sense any motion – in the car.  Despite what Pakistanis may think, they do not look like the average redneck. For credibility and to look very inconspicuous, try investing in a baseball cap, turn it around, put on baggy pants, and say “Ola, que pasa, muchacho?” As you drive your German car, festooned with Chinese-made American flags, use your Finnish cell phone to argue with your favorite Indian call center girl, all the while yelling “USA, USA!” at the top of your lungs. To sound even more American, use your best imitation San Salvadoran accent to demand to speak to someone who speaks English.

In this post-9/11 world, aerial acrobatics against very tall buildings, subterranean explosions creating new subway stations, and suicide bombers intent upon not performing repeat missions have come to define the essence of being Muslim. If 83.6% of the bad guys happen to be Muslim, then those in fear of having their torsos blown to bits will be looking out for those who fit the obvious profile. It is up to thoughtful Muslims to thwart the selfish designs of these nervous kaffir cowards. If good intentions, sincerity, and honesty cannot prevail then subterfuge, masquerade, and camouflage will be our salvation.