Sins of a Freeborn

At the century's end

I think of the revolution ages past

That took a people.

An inherited freedom

that shackled their children

Unknowingly

Along the years

With increasing voices

Preaching an earth-bound devotion.

Limitingly

Whispered us

Embrace your given

Label.

Freeborn.



The paradox denied

I see today

A million times over

Out here alone

where the sounds

That disorient so

fade away granting

An emptiness in place

painfully.

A silent observer now

I understand it all

Humanity.

Every sin

Every compulsion

And I cannot speak

Will not take on history

For that is arrogance.



A member, an outcast

Doubting even the self-doubt

I feel the heat

As the cry for

the long trip back intensifies

That within earshot

I fear my role in this

For I can no longer read you

Nor comprehend

In the pages of tradition

In the pages of my life

Deceit, hate, spite

Condemning rules and regulations

Boundaries and cells.

Judgements by infalliable holy men

Decisions the trappings of power

How can that be good?

when it allows evil to thrive.

Now burdened with guilt

sinking into the depth's of despair.

But you would speak?



I remember the fool's game

That brought me on this journey

My time, I believed.

You, decided.

I never knew the truth behind the facade

And you knew I lived an illusion

I had dreamed of that and more

And it weakened me

So I understand today

The blood runs cold

that nothing flows through

the chambers of that human heart

For myself.

And I despise the taunting memories.

But I care no longer.

I know.



All-knowing

All-seeing

You make the rules

I am nothing

Might not that have been a dream

Or been another

Sweet and Real.

But for you.

A stinging slap in the face

The purpose?



Sorry to surrender

to the emotions

they say I must deny

Hold me in contempt

If my very nature

be sinful

I care not for them but

Would I burn in this hell.



I look about

For a purpose

And I see nothing

I swear I would leave another in pieces

Just to see tears fall

No longer from me.



And it is not self-centeredness.

I see the others

They suffer but turn for support

To others just as fragile as themselves

Partners, marriage, family, children

And seek a content life.

Oh well, I am not satisfied.

I will not have that.

Where is the meaning in this?

For me?

A seemingly endless cycle

of exchanging loves and partings.

Why tests...

Why sufferings...

You perform miracles

You would say something.



I look about

And wonder about the men

Men like us

But perfect

With their certainty

having been in your presence

All the pain in this world

taken on then.

For absolute certainty lightens

Others not granted as much.

Like me.

And something comes along

Smiling and laughing

Desirable.

Faith?



I recall you in me

as a young child

And think you abandoned me

as a young person

I run away in terror

From this and that

The living, the eternal

Confused.

And I cannot comprehend

anything of your knowledge

but so much as your please.

With that much power

How can you feel my despair

What I live in?

The helplessness of not knowing

And why not if not.

How can you understand?



And I scream at you

In my mind

wondering if I am reaching blasphemy

Condemned to eternal heat

with this fiery soul

Yet I need you

Desperately

As my dreams turn to ashes

And the fires rage about me

I need meaning.



I seek this Garden.

There.

A reservoir

where this heat in me is ebbed

by the crystal currents

And I can shed the layers

Unseen by others



I look about

And I do not see you.

You would speak.




(26th May 1997)