The Daily Mullah

"And since Theocracy is the worst, the nearer any government approaches to Theocracy the worse it will be. A metaphysic, held by the rulers with the force of a religion, is a bad sign. It forbids them, like the inquisitor, to admit any grain of truth or good in their opponents, it abrogates the ordinary rules of morality, and it gives a seemingly high, super-personal sanction to all the very ordinary human passions by which, like other men, the rulers will frequently be actuated." C.S. Lewis

I have been thinking what Pakistan may look like if say the Mullahs of Jama’at-e-Islami, were to come to power. Here’s an attempt to foresee what the contents of the newspapers may be in the Jamatia Theocracy of Pakistan.


THE DAILY MULLAH

NEWS FROM PAGE 1

POPULATION GROWTH RATE AT ONLY 10%

The minister for health Maulvi Buqrat today lamented that the population growth rate of Pakistan is only at 10%. "How are we going to catch the population of India if our birth rate continues to be so low," the minister said. He also criticized the low average family size, which is now 8.2 children per family. "Although the family size has increased significantly, but still the Jamiat government is not satisfied. Our men and women, young or old, should be bringing more Muslims in the world," he added.

"NO COMPULSION IN RELIGION": INTERIOR MINISTER

"Islam is a great religion of peace and there is no compulsion in Islam," the interior minister yesterday declared this at the Bagh-e-Ghaznavi (formerly Bagh-e-Jinnah) Lahore at the public beheading of 8 apostates. He blasted the western human rights organization for criticizing the mandatory death sentence for apostates who do not repent. He also announced that any missionaries of false religions (i.e., every one except Islam) found in Jamatia Theocracy of Pakistan will be dealt with severely. "How can we allow falsehood to spread in our nation ?." He also called upon Muslim missionaries abroad to step up their efforts in winning converts, adding that these Muslim missionaries should emphasize the fact that "there is no compulsion in Islam."

UNIVERSITY NEWS:

VICE CHANCELLOR REMOVED FOR FAILING RANDOM "LOTA" TEST

The vice chancellor (VC) of Maodoodi University of Engineering and Technology (MUET), Lahore (formerly University of Engineering and Technology, Lahore) has been removed with immediate effect. This follows the failure of the VC to pass the random lota test.

It may be recalled that the government had earlier this year instituted the random Lota test for teachers at all levels, which allows the Lota Squad to randomly check faculty to see if they use lota or toilet paper. "It is a well known fact that only a clean body has a clean mind. Any one who does not use a lota has a dirty mind and cannot be allowed to pollute the minds of the new generation," the head of the Lota Squad told our correspondent. The deposed VC has been ordered to attend re-education classes at Mansoora.

MATHEMATICS PROFESSOR REPRIMANDED

Dr Aleem-ul-Haq, a mathematics professor at MUET has been reprimanded for discouraging students from using the phrase ’inshallah’. This followed the incident last week in the professor’s Introduction to Computing Class. A student while presenting an algorithm said "My algorithm should inshallah work." At this the wicked professor is reported to have said "If your algorithm is correct it will always work, there is no need to say inshallah."

This was reported to the Pasdaran-e-Soach (Thought Police) of the Jamatia government, which took immediate action. The Director of Pasdaran-e-Soach told our correspondent "What we see today is not surprising. Hundreds of years ago, Imam Ghazali had pointed out how mathematics and logic can lead people to atheism. The government has already eliminated the study of Logic. We are now seriously considering scaling down the teaching of Mathematics so that the country can be rid of atheists who refuse to use inshallah when talking of correctness of parts of their useless subjects." Dr Aleem-ul-Haq has been ordered to write "Inshallah, I will always use inshallah from now on" one thousand times on each of the boards in the Mathematics department. He will also take care of the shoes of the namazis at the University mosque for all prayers next week.

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