What Dreams Are Made Up Of

I sat there and watched him play with the zipper on his jacket. He tugged at it, sneaked a glance at me and then tugged at it again.
“It’s great being here isn’t it?” he smiled.
“Fantastic,” I smiled.
I pulled out a cigarette from my bag and lit it. He asked for a puff and I handed it to him. He crushed it underneath his shoe. Maybe I wanted him to do that, maybe I didn’t care. So many maybes.
“Where do we go from here?” I asked staring out at the busy street ahead.
“I drop you off to your place and I walk to my apartment,” he said.
I didn’t even bother fussing that this wasn’t what I was talking about. I knew what his answer would be and quite frankly, I was sick of hearing it.

“What’s wrong with you?” he asked as we walked towards my place.
“I’m perfectly fine. Do I not look fine?” I asked.
“You look fine,” he answered staring at me.
“Well then.”

It was getting cold, if I let my mind wander away from him, I could feel the chill running through my bones. But I let my mind stay focused on him. It was the only thing I could do. Have him in my head, where he wouldn’t be able to object. He wouldn’t even know he was mine. It would be my big secret and he would never know.

Like he said, he dropped me off at the door and left. He didn’t look back once. I didn’t think he would. I trotted up to my room and fell on my bed. He wasn’t what I needed at this point in my life. But he seemed all that I wanted. Maybe because he hadn’t stepped into my life in the sense I desired him, I wanted him. Maybe if we did hook up, it would be as mundane as things normally are. It would be black and white, milk and tea, plain blue skies and green grass. But there was always the what if. What if he was the cookie you got with milk and tea, or what if he was the rain that fell on the green grass? What if he was the splash of rainbow on the blue skies or what if he was the blur between black and white? What if, what if?

He called me up early morning and needed to talk. I dragged myself out of bed and tried to look as good as I could, though I knew it wouldn’t mean anything to him.
He walked over to the table with my coffee and sat down opposite me. He tried to make conversation though he knew I wouldn’t talk much. I never did early in the morning.
“Okay. Thing is, I have to go back,” He said not looking at me in the eye.
I didn’t even skip a beat. I didn’t want to cry and I didn’t get shocked. I just stared at him. So many things whirled around my head for a second and then everything went blank.
“When are you leaving?” I asked.
“Tomorrow night.”

I knew this time when he would leave, he would just leave. There would be nothing left for me. He wanted it to be that way. What say did I have?

“Come with me,” He said as we walked out of the diner.
“Where?”
He shrugged. “Nowhere, just come.”
It was funny how with him I always ended up going nowhere. That’s where he always took me. To the end of everything.
We walked down the busy streets, not talking with words but with silence instead. In the silence he held my hand and he smiled at me. In the silence he told me we could never be. But how is that possible when we already were?

At the corner stand, he bought me flowers. We sat on a bench for a good hour. He told me what he would do once he gets back. I don’t want to be selfish but I wasn’t remotely bothered. All I knew was, he was leaving.

It was dark when we headed home. He always led the way. He didn’t turn towards my place tonight. He led the way to his apartment instead. I wasn’t sure what was going on, but if it meant a little extra time with him. I was ready to take it. Snatch it if I had to.

He switched on the lights and I got a whiff of his cologne, it lingered in every room of his apartment. It clung to his sofa and it was settled on his bed. Could I catch some and keep it with me?

“Water?” He asked pulling open the door to his fridge.
I nodded. I drink tons of water when I’m nervous. With him I was never really nervous, I was anxious, not nervous. We sat next to each other in front of his TV and he clicked it on. While taking away the empty glass of water from my hand, his hand lingered on mine for a few seconds and I looked at him. He looked back at me and turned away, like he always did.

“It’s late,” I said after half an hour. “I should get going.”
“I’m not letting you go tonight,” He said. It wasn’t a question or a tease, it was a statement. He didn’t even look at me when he said it. It was just decided.
I nodded. Knowing him, we’d watch TV all night and he’d leave the next day with a handshake and a hug if I were lucky.

Somewhere between the TV droning and the computer humming, my mind went silent and I fell asleep. I woke up a while later to see him sitting on the seat opposite me and staring at me. His eyes were red and intense and I wondered what he was thinking.

“Go to my room and sleep on the bed.” He said, “I have to pack things up here.”
I half shrugged and walked over to his room. Timidly I settled on his bed. I lay awake for ages, listening to him putter around the kitchen and the living room. After what seemed like ages he came to the room. It was dark and he couldn’t tell if I was asleep so he crouched around the bed trying to figure out.

I shifted and said, “Will you miss me?”
He didn’t answer me but I felt his hand run across my face lightly.
“I will miss you too,” I replied.
He bent down and sat on the floor beside the bed. I could only see his silhouette in the darkness but it looked beautiful and I wanted this image to stay with me forever.
I got out of bed and sat next to him on the floor. I don’t care what he wanted, I cared about what I wanted right now and that was him. Plain and simple.

I reached for his hand and nuzzled my face against his. He was so close. He leaned in closer and I felt it. I felt what dreams were made up of. He didn’t bother getting up from the floor and I didn’t either. I ran my hand lightly over his eyes and his lips and wondered why I couldn’t keep him.

“Look, I don’t want you to feel as if ….,” He began, his voice husky.
I put my finger on lips and answered, “I won’t.”
Even in the dark I could well imagine what his expression was at the moment.

When I woke up, his things were packed and he was pacing around nervously.
“I’m going home,” I said picking up my bag.
He nodded and I knew this was good-bye.
“Try and forget me, will you?” He said coming up close to me.
I bit my lip, “Only if you promise you can forget me”.
“I could never do that,” he said his voice cracking.
“What makes you think I can then?” I asked.
“You are stronger than me,” he smiled.
“If that’s what you think then I suppose you never knew me,” I answered and walked out.

That night I had a letter slipped underneath my door.
I read it out loud to myself and savored every word of it.
‘ If I could, I would spend my whole life watching you or waiting for you. But we both know that can’t happen. If I could, I’d spent everyday with you making you smile, making you feel beautiful, be there for you when you fall and watching you while you stared at me. I know you will be loved and I know you will find happiness, I just wish I were the one to provide you with it. I can’t do anything… I’m on the verge of helplessness.
I will disappear from your sight, but I’ll always be sneaking glances at you whenever I can. I will never call you but your voice will be playing in my head everyday. I will never write to you but will imagine what you are doing at every minute of the day. I don’t want a single thing from you but just because I can’t be with you doesn’t mean I have to crush my feelings. I’m devoting my life to you but I want you to forget me. Easier said than done, I know very well, but try. You won’t understand but it’s a fruitless war trying to be with me. I am not with myself, how can someone else be? I never wanted to say it to you because if I did, it would become more real, but I will now anyway. I love you, with all my heart, always had and always will. Never think I didn’t, because that would be the biggest lie to live with.’

I crumpled the letter and put it underneath my pillow. If I was lucky, I’d dream of him. If I was lucky, once again I could feel what dreams are made up of.