Dark Places

"I was thinking of you at the very instant I conceived Naomi", said Helena with a knowing, delighted look on her face that she had managed to shock me. I could not believe what I was hearing. Here was a longtime friend, married with children, and appearing to be happy in a traditional sort of way. And she has been secretly lusting after me just as I have been desiring her?

I met her years ago at a university foreign students get together. She attracted my attention - a french film buff - by her Juliet Binoche looks, a mix of meditteranean and northern European stock. I walked over to her, introduced myself and it turned out that she was here on account of a long-distance relationship with an American man.

Mike had met her on a business trip to Paris. Helena had just finished college and was looking for a job. They met at mutual friend’s party and Mike invited her to give him a tour of the less familiar parts of the city. They stayed in touch through email and she decided to come to the US to be near him to see if anything would happen.

Helena’s story rekindled some age-old longing that had been put away in a back corner of my heart. A love I had shut out in pursuit of education, in pursuit of foreign places and exotica. We were instant friends, Helena and I, and I was thrilled to hear that we’d be sharing the same building.

We met often and talked about a lot of things. I found her attractive, intriguing and lovely to be with. She was going to marry Mike although she never spoke of him that much. Her goal was to finish her studies and get a well-paying job in America.

For some reason I thought about Helena more when I was not with her and the thought of her with Mike sharpened the aching. I went to their wedding and found the atmosphere giddy and was truly happy for Naomi.

She is a friend, just a friend, I kept telling myself.

When Helena had her first child, the old familiar aching returned. She left the university for a job and we kept in touch mostly over the phone and email which suited me just fine. I started living in a fantasy land where we
would hang out together with no one else around. No children or husband in our secret space - it was just Helena with me. I framed an old picture of us together and kept it on my bedside table.

As I lay in bed, Helena would come over and I’d run my fingers over her smooth, creamy skin quietly and we’d lay there enchanted in each other’s company. When I awoke I’d worry for my sanity. How long could I keep this up? My studies were ending and I was starting to look for a job. It had been months since I had seen Helena and I got a note from her saying she had had another baby, a girl this time.

And so my impossible desire to be close to Helena had to come to an end. She was getting set in her family ways.

That made my decision easier - I’d leave for elsewhere than go insane in my loneliness and longing for her. I have done this before when I left my last love. At least now leaving this unrequited love would not be so painful as it was the last time when my lover begged me not to go.

We met at a popular hang out so I could say good bye to Helena. Without all those people around us, I would turn into a puddle of tears. Helena sat very close to me. She took one of my arms and started caressing it. Before we could even order anything, she looked right into my eyes and said, "Let’s leave!"

We ran up the stairs to my apartment and almost crashed through the door. Once inside, Helena flung her arms around me and kissed me. "I love you", she said, nibbling my ears and my lips. "Mike’s OK, but it’s you I have been wanting. Even when we have sex I imagine you there making love to me. I was thinking of you at the very instant I conceived Naomi. I’ll leave him for you. I’ll even leave my children for you." Her lactating full breasts were pressed against me. Could this be wrong? Is there a place in hell for me?

"I have been fantasizing about your chocolate body and its dark secret places." With that she started to caress, kiss, stroke, and lick my secret places. My descent into hell was beginning to be delicious.