News just in

Click.

(Dramatic music). BREAKING NEWS!

According to highly informed sources, President Musharraf is planing to declare a state of emergency in the country. Yes, Saleema.

Thank you Saleem. We now have one of our highly informed sources on the line with us. Aslamualaikum Mr. Highly Informed Source.

Walaikumasalam, Saleema.

Source sahib, what else can you tell us about this most recent development in Islamabad?

Nothing other than that my name is Abdul Samad Badshah and I am a cook at the house of the niece of the aunt of the grandmother of the mother of the nephew of the aunt of the mother of the godmother of the wife of Saddar Prevez Muharraf!

Source sahib, we would prefer it if you keep your real identity hidden and just call yourself a Highly Informed Source.

Oh, nahi, jee, koi source shorce nahi ... I am cook on merit and make very good nihari.

Thank you Jinaab Highly Informed Source. Nazreen, as you heard our highly informed source , it is now confirmed that President Musharraf is thinking of declaring a state of emergency in the country. And remember, nazreen, it was OUR channel that FIRST brought you this rumor ... I mean, news. Now back to the program you were watching before the break.

Cryptical Talk

Welcome back, nazreen, I am your host Abid Pir reminding you that we were talking to our guests, Mr. Imima Khan, Mr. Lassi Zafar and a lady in a jet black burqa who refuses to tell us her name. So, Imima, please continue with what you were saying before the break ...

Daikhain, Abid, aap ko nahi patah, this is the most corrupt ...

Excuse me, Imima, we'll come back to that after a small break ...

(22 really loud, meaningless and irritating commercials)

Welcome back to Cryptical Talk, so, Imima, please continue ...

Daikhain, Abid, aap ko nahi patah, this is the most corrupt ...

“TING!” This time check is brought to you by new Fair & Bubbly two-in-one cream for a glowing gori skin and shining goray daanth!

Jee, Imiama, what were you saying ...

Daikhain, Abid, aap ko nahi patah, this is the most corrupt ...

BREAKING NEWS! (dramatic music)

According to highly informed sources, President Musharraf is a Leo. Let's talk to our correspondent in Islamabad. Jee, Saleem, what's the latest?

Jee, Saleema, according to a highly informed source, President Musharraf is a Leo. Jee, Saleema.

Jee, Saleem.

Jee, Saleema.

Jee, Saleem.

Saleema?

Saleem!

Saleema!

Okay, Saleem. Nazreen, now we go back to the show you were watching before the break.

So, Jinaab Lassi Zafar, tell us ...

But you were talking to me, Abid.

Jee, Imima ...

Oye, shut up you!

Lasi sahib, please mind your language ...

Oye, shut up you too two! I am lawn minister of Islamic Public of Pakistan, you talk me first ...

Okay, then tell us, Lassi sahib, how do you see PML (Q) performing in the coming elections?

Oye, we are all PMLs, PML (ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVXYZ) ... all us, what Q Q you?

I see. Let's now speak to our burqa-clad guest. Aslamaualaikum, bibi.

Walaikum!

So. What do you have to say about the Lal Masjid tragedy?

Nothing.

Why not? I mean, that's why I called you on the show. To make some noise, raise your fists, sound angry, heartbroken, swear bloody revenge and shout al-jihad, al-jihad!!

No.

Why the hell not? What sort of a burqa-clad revolutionary are you?

If you are so concerned, why don't you wear the burqa, Pir sahib,and shout al-jihad, al-jihad??

I'd love to ... I mean, I can't. I'm an objective, fair and balanced talk show host.

Yea, sure, and I am Queen Elizabeth!

Never mind. So, Imima, how does your party see the upcoming elections?

Daikhain, Abid, aap ko nahi patah, this is the most corrupt ...

Aikh second, Imima, Mian Awaz Zareef is with us on the line ... jee Mian Sahib ...

Hello?

Jee Awaz Sahib, can you hear us?

Yes, yes, now I can ...

Okay. Good. We'll just be with you after this break ...

(24 really loud, meaningless and irritating commercials. 13 of them repeats, especially a candy commercial which encourages kids to use sticks and beat the hell out of friendly looking aliens and steal their cow).

Jee, nazreen, welcome back. So, Mian Sahib, what were you saying? Hello? Lagta hai line drop ho gai. So, Imima, what were you saying ... ?

Daikhain, Abid, aap ko nahi patah this is the most corrupt ...

Oye, sab tujay hi pata hai kya?

Daikhain, Lassi sahib, aap ko nahi patah ...

Oye, kya tuj ....

BREAKING NEWS! (dramatic music)

According to a highly informed source a dog was run over and killed by a truck carrying a group of Rangers in Miranshah. Jee, Saleem. What's the latest?

It's Salman, Saleema. Saleem is in Islamabad.

Oh, okay. By the way this is Salma. Saleema is in Dubai.

Oh, okay. So, what's the latest Salma?

You tell me. You're the correspondent!

Yes, of course, that's right, I am. Salma, a highly informed source has just highly informed us that a stray dog was run over and killed by a truck carrying a group of Rangers in Miranshah.

Was the dog strapped with explosives, Salman?

No, Salma, but a highly informed source told us that the dog was being pelted with stones by the local Taleban before being run over by the truck.

Why was he being thrown stones at, Salman?

Well, according to the highly, wily informed and very resourcefully sourced source, the Taleban of the area have banned all naked dogs in this area.

But all dogs are naked, Salman. Animals usually are.

Yes, that's true, Salma. Iss hamaam main hub sab hi nangay hain!

What the hell are you talking about, Salman? Can you tell us a bit more about the dog?

The naked dog, Salma.

Yes, naked dog.

Well, another highly informed source just told me, the dog is very much alive!

He is??

Yes!

BREAKING NEWS! (dramatic music)

A highly informed source just told us that the dog which was reported to have been run over by a Ranger's truck is very much alive. We'll keep you posted on the latest developments on this issue. Meanwhile, let's go back to the program you were watching before the break ...

Jee, Imima, what were saying ..?

Daikhain, Abid, aap ko nahi patah this is the most corrupt ...

“TING!” This time check is brought to you by Late Lateef Pan Misala!

Jee, Imima, as you were saying ...

Daikhain, Abid, aap ko nahi patah this is the most corrupt ...

Sorry, Imima, I'm afraid we have run out of time, but each one of you can quickly give your wrapping up statements. Jee, Imima, you first ...

Daikhain, Abid, aap ko nahi patah this is the most corrupt ...

Thank you, Imima. Jee, Lassi Zafar Sahib ...

Oye! I am laaang arm aaf thee lawn and ...

Thank you. Jee, burqa bibi ...

(silence)

Bibi?

Zzzzzzzz ....

Oye! Bibi gone asleep. Bohat achay! Another breaking news!!