The Non-Existent Tourist’s Guide To Pakistan

The country:

Officially called the Islamic Republic of Pakistan, it is a country in South Asia bordering the Islamic Republic of Afghanistan, the Islamic Republic of Iran, the People’s Republic of China and the Bollywood Republic of Hindustan. In the north it also shares a dubious border with the mountainous and scenic Holy Divine United Taliban Emirates of Dhamakaistan.

The climate:

Pakistan has a moderate climate most of the year, but extremes can be found in the north where summers can get terribly hot due to the infamous, counter-monsoon winds called the Wrath of God blowing in from the Holy Divine United Taliban Emirates of Dhamakaistan. Men in the north are known to keep beards to protect themselves from these winds whereas the women wear long top-to-toe sheets of cloth called burqas for the same purpose. Sometimes tanks, trucks and barbed wire are also used to counter these winds, even though some politicians advise dialogue to lessen the harmful effects of the wind. Many people find this strange, asking how can one have a dialogue with a dusty, hot gust of wind? But since the climate around the country’s politicians is usually composed of hot air, it is believed that this hot air can very well compliment the extreme winds.
So, tourists with sensitive white skins should avoid travelling to the north, unless they are looking for a blast.

The people & religion:

Pakistan is a multiethnic and multicultural society, where 103 per cent of the population is Muslim, while the rest are animals. So in case of a medical emergency, the non-Muslim tourist is advised to visit a vet instead of a doctor. The 103 per cent Muslims are broken up into various sects with each sect claiming their version of Islam being 104 per cent correct and other interpreters of Islam being 107 per cent wrong and thus deserving death.

Pakistani society is generally conservative, but tiny pockets of liberalism can be found in posh, urban drawing-room theme parks. The themes of these parks can range from “Little Milan,” “Small Beverly Hills,” “Tiny London” and “Cleaner Bombay.” Non-English speaking tourists may struggle in these theme parks even if they have managed to learn a bit of Urdu. Only English is spoken here, preferably in an odd American accent. However, a tourist can visit a vet and get his or her jaw readjusted to be able to speak accented English in these theme parks.

Pakistan is composed of four to five to six to four ethnic groups. The largest group resides in central Pakistan and are called Maula Jats. The second largest resides in the south and are called the Bhuttos. The third largest resides in the north and are called Askareeyat Pasand. The smallest ethnic group can be found in the West and are called Sui Gas. There are two more ethnic groups. The first one mostly resides in Karachi and are called Martians. The other one resides in South Punjab and are called nothing. Both are not officially recognised because people who divided Pakistan into four provinces couldn’t count beyond the number 4.

The male-female ratio of the population is 50-50, even though, according to local traditions in the north, women do not exist. Only men and goats. Certain NGOs operating in the north want to change this perception and the locals have agreed only if the government of Pakistan declared women to be satanic abominations engineered by Hindu Fanatics, Christian Crusaders, Wily Jews and Hamid Karzai.

The culture:

The main plank of culture in Pakistan is asking “what is the culture of Pakistan?”

But if you believe in the official history text books taught at local schools, the culture of Pakistan is very Islamic, very pro-army, very anti-India, and had it not been for some malicious Hindu historians distorting history, Pakistanis would have been known for their true cultural and genetic origins: Arabic!

That’s why most Pakistanis behave as if they all arrived from ancient Arabic kingdoms and had nothing to do with India. They were the true Aryans until the British came and started to build railway networks. Of course, this doesn’t make much sense, but who cares, as long as one is an Aryan and is genetically connected to Mohammad bin Qasim. Just like Shahrukh Khan who should actually have been a Pakistani had it not been for socialists like Zulfikar Ali Bhutto to have nationalised banks, factories and colleges in the 1970s. Of course, this doesn’t make much sense either, but who cares. You’re just a tourist. About to be kidnapped and beheaded.

The politics:

Pakistan is a feudal fiefdom jokingly called a republic. The most democratic sections of the country are the army and fat feudal lords. Also very democratic are members of the clergy and the bureaucracy. The most undemocratic and tyrannical are the country’s common people who do not appreciate the feudals’, the army’s and the clergy’s vision, passion and efforts for a progressive, democratic and rich Pakistan. This is because the common people choose to remain illiterate and prefer to watch a Sharhrukh Khan flick instead of reading their official history books that clearly state that had Mughal Emperor Auranzeb Alamgir created Pakistan in 1747 AD, the people of Pakistan would have gladly watched reruns of Ayub Khan, Ziaul Haq and Mushharraf’s speeches instead of Shahrukh Khan films and there would have been much joy and happiness and love and understanding, and no India and no PPP and instead of being a pesky politician, Nawaz Sharif would have become the Ameer of the United Islamic Emirates of Dhamakaistan. Of course, this doesn’t make much sense, but who cares when you have Ahmed Ali Kurd to keep you entertained.

How to get there:

You can reach Pakistan without a visa by either sneaking in from the Afghan border in the north or getting shipwrecked in the south!

How to get out:

You don’t!