The Dark Side of Love

As one who helps loving couples deal with their emotional conflicts, I was always fascinated by the nature of jealousy. I used to ask myself: Is jealousy a normal or an abnormal feeling?

Is it an expression of affection, caring and love or a reflection of immaturity and insecurity?

Over the years I have come to the realization that there are as many points of view as there are thinking people. Some believe in the German proverb that says, “Where there is no jealousy, there is no love”. Others agree with Havelock Ellis who characterized jealousy as, “That dragon which slays love under the pretence of keeping it alive.” Most of us may not agree on the definition, nature and dynamics of jealousy but it is quite apparent that jealousy is a complex feeling with many colours and shades.

I am of the opinion that jealousy is the only feeling that can be called a triangular feeling. All other feelings are either personal in which the other person is not directly involved, for example feelings of tiredness or sadness; or they involve two people, for example, feelings of affection, caring and anger; jealousy is the only feeling in which three parties are involved, for example a woman who feels jealous because her husband is showing interest in another woman. Similarly a husband might feel jealous if his wife is fascinated with another man. So in this regard jealousy is far more complicated and multifaceted than many other feelings.

As we pursue jealousy deeper and try to understand jealous people, the relationships in which they get involved and triangles they tend to make, we realize that what we see clinically or socially is usually the tip of the iceberg and there are complex dynamics that lie beneath the surface.

In my clinical practice I have seen many patients in whom I feel jealousy was a reflection of personal insecurities. Such people had poor self-confidence and poor self-worth. They did not like themselves and were not proud of what they did. They felt either unattractive physically or uninteresting as people.

In many cases they had a poor self-image even before they entered into romantic relationships. Their insecurity spilled over and they were feeling insecure about their relationships. They needed an abundance of reassurance and if their partners could not offer that constantly they felt very uncomfortable. It was hard for them to accept the reality that their lovers found them interesting and exciting. I met so many men and women who were pre-occupied with the following concerns:

-I don’t know what he/she finds interesting in me?
-I am not sure why he/she is married to me?

When feelings of this type of insecurity are pervasive in the relationship, they act as dry hay and it does not take long to spark the fire of jealousy. Depending upon the intensity of such feelings, even minor incidents or casual interaction with other men/women can precipitate a crisis. Most of the jealous people I met exhibited two distinct psychological characteristics in their personalities:
1. Comparing themselves with others. It is generally very hard to discuss other people with those that are jealous without them comparing themselves to others in a negative light. Jealous people have a tendency to feel inferior to others.
2. An inability to share their loved ones with others. Jealous people are usually very possessive and use the word MY emphatically. “She is MY girlfriend” “He is MY husband.” This emphasis is a subtle warning to others as if they are saying, “Stay away from him or her”.

In many of my patients I found that unresolved sibling rivalry as a child and an inability to share one’s parents’ affection with other siblings was an important factor in experiencing jealousy as an adult.

When I asked what precipitated feelings of jealousy, they narrated a wide range of behaviours in their lover and spouse that made them extremely uncomfortable, such as:
“When he talks to other women at the party and leaves me alone I feel jealous”
“I don’t mind her talking to other men but when she dances with them I feel jealous”
“I hate when he comments on women’s boobs and buns when we go for a walk”
“I get jealous when she tells me that the actors on television are hulks”
“I don’t mind him interacting with women in my presence but I cannot tolerate him going out with his colleagues for a cup of coffee after work”
“She can go for a cup of coffee but when they go for a beer I get jealous as I do no trust alcohol”

As we try to understand the dynamics of relationships in which jealousy plays a major role, we become aware that on the one hand, jealousy might be a symptom of personal insecurities, while on the other hand, it might reflect a lack of trust in the relationship, desire to control the other person, poor boundaries in the relationship or an attempt to avoid intimacy. Without going into psychodynamic details all I can say that the issues are complex and we need to tailor the therapy according to the personalities of spouses involved. In our clinic we use a combination of individual, marital and group therapy. During individual and group therapy with jealous people we focus on the following:
Improving Self – esteem

It is amazing to see how insecure many are who accuse their spouses and lovers of paying too much attention to other people and being unfaithful. Sometimes they are even jealous of their own children. During therapy it is expressed that until they feel good about themselves and enjoy what they do, they will have great difficulties in enjoying any emotionally and romantically intimate relationship.

Such people are encouraged to look better, dress more attractively. Others are helped to take part in a hobby or sport for recreational purposes. It is rewarding to see that once they start liking themselves, make new friends and enjoying their lives, they become less sensitive to what their lovers and spouses say or do.
Learning not to be oversensitive

In therapy, the jealous are made aware that many things in life and in their relationship have no direct relevance to them. Being over-sensitive or taking things ‘personally’ does not help. They learn the role they play in maintaining tension in the relationship by asking too many unnecessary questions of their lovers and spouses. The spouses of jealous people find themselves in no-win situation. To answer or not to answer is their dilemma as they can be accused either way. We help jealous people to ask fewer questions.

It is my observation as a therapist that many jealous people have great difficulties differentiating between innocent flirting and unfaithfulness. I openly discuss with couples the issue of complementing someone on their looks and clothes and differentiating it from getting phone numbers, making dinner dates and arranging secretive weekend trips.

It is highlighted in therapy that jealousy clouds one’s judgment, making it difficult to differentiate between reality and fantasy, and it can border on paranoia. Perhaps that is why famed author Lawrence Durrell wrote, “It is not love that is blind, but jealousy” and anonymous writer said, “There is more self-love than love in jealousy”

During our therapy with jealous people we involve their spouses and lovers to help them cope with the situation. They are encouraged not to get defensive when they are accused. Reassurance works better than defensiveness. As couples can come to some agreement in our clinic they are able to try those newly learnt skills in their homes and social lives.

Working with jealous people and couples can be a challenging but also a rewarding experience. It is a painful reality that love has a dark side and sometimes we need to protect our love even from ourselves.