The PG Hamid Talat Khan Show

“Hello viewers, I am PG Hamid Talat Khan, with another episode of the PG Hamid Talat Khan Show, in which we talk to some of the country’s leading politicians and also take calls from our viewers. Today we have with us the chairperson of Thareek-e-Khaak, Mr. Jimran Khan; with him is Mr. Baazi Hussain Ahmed of the Magical Majlis-e-Amal, and Chaudary Punjab Hussain, the leader of the Pakistan Muslim League (ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ). We’ll start with Mr. Jimran. Jimran is it true what your liberal detractors say about you?”


Jimran: What do they say?


“They say that you may not have a beard on your face, but you have a long one in your stomach … pait main daari”


Jimran: Daikhain PG Hamid Talat Khan, these liberals don’t know anything about the ground realities of Pakistan …


“But what ground realities made you marry Jemimama?”


Jimran: Daikhain PG Hamid Talat Khan, that’s a personal matter …


“Well, these liberals say religion should be a personal matter too.”


Jimran: Daikhain PG Hamid Talat Khan, aap koh nahi pata how dangerous the situation has become thanks to Musharraf’s antics. People are reacting violently to his so-called enlightened moderation.


“I think that’s why the liberals accuse you of having pait main daari, because people expect such talk from the MMA. They wonder why haven’t you joined the MMA. Is it because keeping a beard .. on the face … is a pre-requisite?”


Jimran: Daikhain PG Hamid Talat Khan …


“Stop saying that, okay.”


Jimran: Aap koh nahi pata …


“And that too. It seems only aap hi koh sab kutch pata hai.”


Jimran: Daikhain …


Thank you, Jimran, I think we’ll move on. Baazi sahib, tell us what is your party’s stance on the Jamia Hafsa issue?


Baazi: Amreeka!


“I see. Err … so tell us, do you think these people are justified in taking law in their own hands and enforcing their so-called Islam with dandas and violence?”


Baazi: Amreeka!


“I see. Let’s ask Chaudary sahib. Chaudary sahib, can you tell us how come the government took no time in attacking and baton-charging women like Asma Jehangir during last year’s Lahore Marathon, but is dragging it’s feet over the danda carrying Hafsa women?


Chaudary: Mumble, mumble, grumble, grumble, mumble …


“I’m sorry I have no idea what you’re talking about. Baazi sahib, moving on to another topic, what do you make of Mr. PJ Mir’s statement in which he accused our cricket team of spending more time doing tableegh than playing cricket?


Baazi: Agha Khan!


“Excuse me? What has Agha Khan got to do with this? Jimran, you’ve been very critical of the team, do you agree with PJ Mir?


Jimran: Daikhain PG Hamid Talat Khan, PJ Mir is an agent for Musharraf’s enlightened moderation, I totally disagree with him …


“So this means you agree with Baazi sahib who blames America and Agha Khan for our team’s exit from the World Cup?”


Jimran: Daikhain PG Hamid Talat Khan, aap koh nahi pata how corrupt this government is …


Chaudary: Mumble, mumble, mumble …


“Gentlemen, I was talking about cricket and PJ’s statement …so chaudary sahib once you’ve finished mumbling, can I continue? Chaudary sahib?


Chaudary: Zzzzzzz …


“Never mind. So, Jimran, so you think the team’s obsession with tableegh had nothing to do with Pakistan’s poor performance?


Jimran: Daikhain PG Hamid Talat Khan, aap koh nahi pata …


“Haan bhai, sirf aap hi koh pata hai …”


Jimran: Waisey, PG Hamid Talat Khan, your studio air-conditioner doesn’t seem to be working …


“I’m really sorry about that, I think there’s something wrong with it…”


Baazi: Amreeka!


“Of course, who else. Anyway, let’s take some calls now. Hello caller!”


Caller: Slaaann!


“Walaikum-us-Salam, your name, madam?”


Caller: It is unIslamic to talk to strange men.


“I see, then why did you call?”


Caller: To talk to Jimran Khan.


“But he’s a man too.”


Caller: But he is good Muslim man.


“Lady, I am a Muslim too.”


Caller: No, you are liberal.


Jimran: Daikhain PG Hamid Talat Khan, aap koh nahi pata …


Caller: Slaann, Jimran Bhai. Bohat acha keeya that you divorced that gori Yahoodi witch! I think she should be kidnapped from London and taken to Lal Masjid!


Jimran: (Gulp!) Err…


“Thank you, caller. Next caller, please. Hello!”


Caller 2: Hello.


“Ji, aap ka naam aur question ‘’


Caller 2 : My name is Anthony Gonzales, aur main dunya main akaila hoon … I mean who cares what my name is ? However, my question is for Chaudary sahib. I want to ask him what is this confusion about a deal between the government and the PPP?


Chaudary: Mumble, mumble, mumble … zzzzzzzz …


“I’m afraid, chaudary sahib has gone back to sleep …”


Caller 2: I can see that. Tell me PJ Hamid Talat Khan sahib, how come you haven’t called anyone from the PPP?


“Actually we did call Ms. Terrory Rheman, but she had to go to Dubai to meet Ms. Babenazir Bhutto.”


Caller 2: Must be something very important.


“No, Ms. Bhutto just called her over for coffee.”


Caller 2: So she flew all the way to Dubai to have coffee with her?


“Apparently yes … and also to get further training on how to sound more and more like Ms. Bhutto while speaking in Urdu. It is said that Ms. Terrory is even ready to get a nose job especially for this. Any more questions? Caller? Caller? I think the call got dropped …”


Baazi: Amreeka!


“Of course, who else. Okay, viewers, goodbye, but don’t think I am saying goodbye because it is the end of the show, I’m saying goodbye because it is time for that “choti si break,” with 1,200 commercials and after which when we do return, children would have become adults, parents would have become grandparents and many of you would not be alive … but do not worry our guests will STILL be here, so see you after that “choti si break,” …


Jimran: Daikhain PG Hamid Talat Khan, aap koh nahi pata, all these ads are due to Musharraf’s enlighten moderation and …


“Yes, of course, including that Pepsi Cola commercial you were paid millions of Rupees for. Do tell us, Jimran, did Inzi donate all that money to a good cause in the name of God?”


Jimran: Daikhain PG Hamid Talat Khan, that is his personal matter …


“ True, as should the rest of the players’ religious beliefs, right? Right? Jimran?”

Jimran: Zzzzzzzz ……