Let Me Count the Ways I Love You

MukhtaraN Mai ties the knot; she married the constable who guarded her after her tragic and horrifying ordeal. Except the man that she married was already married. This is as good a trigger as any to discuss the merits of polygamy. Her atrocious story of being gang raped brought global attention to archaic tribal norms still practiced in certain parts of the world. She not only gained enormous sympathy but also received donations which she used to start girls’ schools in her village in Punjab, Pakistan. What a remarkable and courageous woman Ms. Mai is. This article will not issue judgments, but will discuss the issue of polygamy and how its practice has outlived the usefulness if it had any to begin with.

Just as monogamy, polygamy has been practiced for much of the history in many parts of the world. Polygamy was widespread in China, Korea, Vietnam before the Cultural Revolution, and is encouraged in countries like Sudan to increase population. In Africa, it is a bit of a mixture of many old customs, for example, in some tribes, a man inherits his dead brother’s wives, and it is also viewed as a symbol of prosperity, not to mention men libido. There is a huge debate about African polygamy, as most view it from an socioeconomic perspective as women not wanting to deal alone with the societal expectations. African polygamy deserves a book on its own. Polygamy is also legal in many Islamic countries.

Some societies practiced both polygamy and its reverse polyandry where one woman will have multiple husbands. Polyandry was common in matriarchical societies; Nairs of South India being an example of a polyandrous society. Polygamy was mostly a phenomenon in patriarchic societies. Many of the Jewish prophets, including David, Solomon and Joseph were polygamous, and Abraham went a step beyond; not only to have a child out of a relationship but without actually legally marrying the gal. Poor Hagar (Hajra in Arabic). It is mind boggling that all three monotheistic faiths trace their roots to Abraham, a man who not only fathered a child out of wedlock but also wanted to slice his head off supposedly to please “his� god. The man had some serious issues. We are not to judge.

While some sacred texts in all major faiths place restrictions on this practice and set specific guidelines for when and how this is to be practiced, there are instances when polygamous relationships are not frowned upon if not outright glorified. For example, Prophet Mohammad of Islam married at least 10 women, although polygamy is allowed in Islam, but God forbad believers to marry Prophet’s widows. Double standards? There are examples of levirate marriages at the time of war with one’s brother’s widows. Some cultures allowed it during the times of famine, or due to female infertility. The practice of keeping concubines was widespread in all empires of the past. Having multiple female lovers was a sign of status and rank. In certain cultures, only the most powerful were allowed to have concubines, while in some other no one was allowed to have more concubines than the King or the head of the tribe.

Although the practice is unlawful in many western countries with Christian populations, and the Catholic Church clearly junks polygamy and calls it immoral, undesirable and distasteful, but some branches of Christianity have said that the practice does not contradict scripture. However, the modern Christian conservatism looks down upon not only polygamy but marrying after divorce or even after losing one’s spouse. They term such marriages as ‘serial polygamy’, even when it is only one spouse at a time.

Amongst the western countries, it is interesting to note that while it is illegal in England but the English law recognizes the polygamous marriages performed in a country where it is legal. However, this recognition is for certain purposes only and does not allow all rights granted to the English nationals. If this has not yet come up at the EU legal commission level, it will one day.

It gets more interesting; in the 19th and 20th century, some knuckleheads in the eastern US practiced Group Marriages (called Polygyndry, a mixture of polygamy and polyandry). It was a communal setup where every member of the commune was married to every other, and shared responsibility in caring for the children. More recently in the 70s and 80s the same practice was adopted by a San Francisco community. In this type of arrangement, vaginas and penises will be considered communal property just like a ride in a public park. Wait your turn. The commune owned one’s supposedly “private� parts. Although illegal in most of the world, once in a while there is a news item in papers that such a practice still goes on in Western Europe and the US. All in the name of “collective� individual preferences. If there is a dichotomy, this must be it.

In the US, the debate on polygamy tends mostly to be about freedom of choice, with arguments like ‘adults should be able to make decisions without government interjection in personal matters’. The Libertarian Party supports such views.

In some Buddhists societies, polyandry is practiced. In Tibet, for example, a girl can marry two or more brothers. Such marriages are often kept secret and many a times girls are forced into these marriages.

Polygamy is legal in many Muslim countries. Most though, require that permission from the first wife be granted for additional marriage(s). India is the only country that has separate laws regarding polygamy for separate faiths. A Muslim man can legally marry more than one wife in India, while a Christian Indian cannot. There are a few instances of Hindu men embracing Islam to marry their second crush and at the same time to earn a place in the paradise. All in the name of God. To love is divine, to err is human.

An interesting question to ask is that in the Monotheistic sacred texts God punishes for immoral lifestyle (Lut, etc.) but never chastises some Prophets for multiple wives. There is the Biblical story of David being disciplined by God for an adulterous relation, but his multiple wives were never an issue. Why? Help me explain this to a college kid (or to have an intelligent discussion) taking courses in philosophy of religion. And yes, it is much deeper than the perennial question if there is a god. We did that in Junior High.

The feminists are all over the place on this issue, with some defending its practice (e.g., Lila Abu-Lughod, a respected academic) to those abhorring it, (e.g., Gloria Steinem who once stuck her foot twice in her mouth by suggesting that Hugh Hefner had a “Moslem� lifestyle of having many girl friends). Poor Gloria. What the hell was she thinking?

Short of being overly judgmental about the past or to comment on scripture, I believe it is time for countries where polygamy is practiced to outlaw it. In places such as Saudi Arabia, polygamy is a norm rather than exception. Same goes for many African tribes, most notable of which is the Zulu. The ANC president of South Africa brags about his sex life in public, including having sex with women infected with AIDS. Polygamy is a violation of equality between genders, it is harmful to children born to such relationships, it brings trouble to everyone around you, and it is downright disrespectful to women. In today’s world, it is only practiced by insecure men to feel good about themselves for no other purpose than plain lust or to have sex. This should be one more reason to legalize and decriminalize prostitution. The second wife (or the 3rd, the fourth) is almost always younger, prettier (tough luck for Prince Charles), and in some cases richer. No girl ever dreams of growing up to become someone’s second wife. The countries where it is legally practiced should work on abolishing it, just as slavery, pedophilia, sex trafficking is dealt. A polygamous society is a sad society. If a Hindu man can live with one wife, so can a Muslim and a Zulu. Hindu sacred texts do have references to polygamy but the Hindu law allowed it only in certain cases, and the practice was not widespread. Modern Hindus frown upon polygamy and polyandry and consider these practices as primitive. While we call ourselves civilized, in many ways we are still cave dwellers. Needless to say that most zealous opponents of polygamy view this phenomenon from a purely sexual perspective and ignore the social and cultural rationale behind it. I will argue that when it is a common-sensical issue, there is no need to analyze it that deeply. The scripture only reflects the wisdom of the time it was revealed (written) in, and does not address the modern day moralities. Not to say that the 10 commandments should be thrown down the toilet but we have come a long way since Moses parted the Red Sea. Speaking of Moses; he was just as good a stud as any (not including David, who was an equivalent of Michael Phelps of his times). Moses married Zipporah after his first wife Thabis, whom he married only after she agreed to secure an Ethiopian city for him. Some time love can have a huge sticker price. Sacred texts are full of those ‘some times’. Mary Magdalene yet appears to be fictional, even then Jesus was not a polygamist. He will get his chance when he returns. Could it be that he will return just for that?

Just as Mukhtaran Mai’s gang rape brought much needed exposure to tribal justice practiced in backwards parts of Pakistan, I hope that her marriage to a married man does the same to start a dialogue on polygamy. If not in the Punjab, Pakistan, may be somewhere else.