What I Want Pakistan’s CEO To Do

Having received hundreds of e-mails from delirious fans across the globe and presumably from some beyond the pale about my long absence from chowk, and after having read about, watched and heard thousands of highly erudite people hold forth variously on the topic of the day, viz: how would the CEO of Pakistan and the PM of India improve upon the recipe for American Chop Suey without breaking their own “andaa”, I said to myself, Nicky of Suez, Port Said, Al Tawfiq and Gaza, not to mention Kalama, Oregon and Wakayama, prefecture Chochi-cho, as well as Layaa, Sharjah, forgetting not Laurenco du Marques or Maputo where the rebels shot the tyres out from under my Datsun pick-up or Khoramshahr where they shot people on top of tyres, now it is time for you to stand up and be counted amongst the brave, especially Mushahid Hussain who has eaten at Karim’s in Delhi more often than I which is why he is subtly upset about other Pakistanis hopping across for a better meal (note: Our kababs are better than yours . . .).

Is this a reply to Mr. Hussain? No it is not. But yes, there was a small series of email exchanges lost in the world of some back-up folders between him and me in an era best known as “before chowk” which I shall dig out some day, the next time he says that Pervezji cannot and should not drive across to talk.

This is an article on what I want Pakistan’s CEO to do, preferably unilaterally, without waiting for quid pro quo or Lung-Fung Soup or even goulash. Positively do-able as is where is? Tongue in cheek they may appear, but each one has a serious angle behind it . . . and sometimes a triple pun or triple hidden meaning.

1) Today’s newspapers report that he is landing at Delhi on the 14th and then meeting our leaders in Agra on the 16th. Maybe and surely the Begum Musharraf and he cannot be expected to move around incognito in Delhi and Agra, but surely he can detail off some of his trusted people to do so and report back to him. This is to give him as much proof as he wants that we are not haters of Pakistanis here, nor do we mind gambling, our leaders live on roads with names like Tughlak Road and Race Course Road. Since 15th July is a Sunday, maybe they can even check out the delights on offer at the real Race Course itself? How about a Pak-CEO cup, then, open to all fillies and mares, even donkeys?

2) After landing at Agra, instead of doing the touristy thing of simply visiting the Taj and/or Agra Fort and/or Fatehpur Sikri and/or Dayalbagh . . . which will only get him a place in the albums next to Diana-ji and daughter of Bill Clinton-ji, CEO Sahib needs to do something different. Like asking the Paratroopers posted in Agra for joint sky-diving displays with his guys, with a para jump by the Pak CEO himself. It is not a question of knees versus niece, for those who know, but then that paratrooper medal on his fatigues needs exercise, and no better place than at Agra, believe me. Unless he wants to hang-glide from Bir to Dharamshala past thermal devtaa and thermal pir . . .

3) Drive around in India, the roads from Wagah/Attari to Delhi and thence from Delhi to Agra are quite rapid and interesting, especially after the monsoons. Not as good as the expressway between Mumbai and Pune, but then this is a political meeting, not an industrialists conclave. Suggested stopovers at Eagle Motel in Rajpur for a quick drink and later on at a no-name place I know beyond Chatta Rail for a quick peck at the famous though illegal teetar-bater. Believe me, works.

4) Insist on, while in India, that he drives around in and only in Ambassador cars. In fact I would like to suggest that he takes a few back, both petrol and diesel. The new improved ones with Taiwanese collaboration are quite OK and don’t leak either. We in India have suffered for over 50 years, now in all fairness it is the turn of people in Pakistan to share. Especially the 1.5 litre 4-speed non syncromesh 1st gear column shift version.

5) Bring along with him at least a dozen war or internal security widows and grieving mothers from the Pakistan side to meet with similar people from our side. Armed forces, para-military, or simply ordinary people. Let these people have a separate meeting of their own in, say, Manali on our side and Murree on the Pak side. Document their findings and deliberations. Here I point out that I speak as someone who has enough aunts, cousins and other female relatives and friends who would qualify. Just yesterday, I spent an hour next to the grave of my first cousin, gentleman and tough soldier if ever there was one, victim to the troubles in Kashmir as recently as May28th, 2001. Maybe the CEO would find time to meet his mother here in Delhi, my aunt, proud Naga lady, and explain why Major Abhimanyu Sikka had to die?

6) Provide unlimited visas to Indians of any sort over, say, 60 years of age, to visit any and everywhere in Pakistan, without the pain of “police reporting”. Extend the same to Indians below, say, 21 years of age. Apart from the gains in tourism related benefits this will ensure that we don’t have to listen to the same hackneyed opinions put forth by the same old Indo-Pak story-tellers anymore, especially those getting huge big sarkari bungalows on both sides. It should not matter if the Indian sarkar reciprocates or not.

7) Visit the Delhi Gymkhana Club to understand better why the ghost of the empire still hangs around in both our countries. Understand then that the common enemy our countries have is not just poverty but also colonialism. Apply for membership there in his grandchildren’s name, as hopefully by then they will be not just eligible but also able to enter without security guards around them.

8) Undertake visits to sites of OUR joint freedom struggles, without marking them as “Muslim freedom struggle” or “Hindi freedom struggle”. Was Lala Lajpat Rai fighting for the Hindus or Muslims, to give just one example in very recent history? This is one aspect I would like to take issue with the Pakistanis on, this business of forgetting that OUR freedom struggle was not based on the aspects of religion. Maybe the launch of a few joint initiatives in both countries to recognize this important fact? Without getting bogged down.

9) And finally, if we really want our countries to move into some sort of semblance of growth, appreciate the fact that if and while Pakistan may think of India as its sole enemy (if we go by what Comrade Mushahid Hussain has mentioned), we in India actually have just too many enemies ongoing, of which Pakistan is maybe just one. Maybe amongst equals or not, I don’t know.

Fact remains, do let us all realize that what happens in Kashmir today will happen in 10 other parts of India and Pakistan tomorrow. And fundamentally, it is wrong of anybody to assume that Pakistan has only one enemy, called India. If we in India can with humility make the Pak CEO accept and agree publicly to this one simple fact, that we as people from the same background had a joint freedom struggle against the same people and half a century later, and we the people from still the same background have still got the same enemies 50 years later, then that would be real value for money. That our enemies are not us.

No?

Footnote:- My first cousin, the late Major Abhimanyu Sikka of the Indian Army, was a grand-son to yet another freedom fighter, Phizo of Nagaland, and lies buried in a Christian grave at the Delhi Cantonment Cemetery after joint Baptist and Hindu ceremonies… . . . Let some of the more sanctimonious and ossified students of Indo-Pak Hindu-Muslim history on this site try to understand and explain this?