For Better or Worse

One of the perennial topics up for discussion is the status of women in our society today and the growing awareness among them. As divorce rates rise and people become more receptive to this disturbing trend, it provokes one to think as to what are the advantages and disadvantages of women’s growing awareness in this society.

Education, above all, has played a great role in enabling women to discover their abilities, their rights and choosing what they think is right for themselves. A lot of women are receiving education, the race for which seems to have started a long time ago. It is indeed a very positive step towards building a healthier society but it also appears that as fallout, there is an alarming situation where the break-up of families is becoming common. Is awareness the cause or is it just fate? The east, though deprived of many things that the west enjoys, has always been known for its family values and traditions and norms. It is no secret that leaving all the negative aspects of our society aside, we have always been far more family-oriented and preachers of family unification, compared to the west.

How can we better deal with the counter issues as a result of this awareness? Can a man be a little more broad-minded and open up to the presence of women in the workplace? Can he loosen up his ego and stop having an upper hand over her? Can a woman give up her double standards of asking for her rights to work and at the same time expecting her husband to support her for everything? Can she accept that along with the awareness, she should stop having expectations of being pampered for everything and learn to support herself?

Rida Ali, who works in the corporate world, believes that such awareness of women has helped them find an identity of their own and that they seem lesser subjected to male oppression. "I have seen in the past that women were bound to be with their husbands irrespective of what they felt. Even if their married life was shattered, separation was the last solution they could think of. This earned them nothing else but unhappiness," she said.

Murtaza Ali, a chartered accountant at a multinational, believes otherwise. "Women think their career is what life is about or for that matter, their own social life is not above all. We have a career too but we don’t forget our family life and responsibilities. We give them love, we give them respect, and we give them all that we can; all that they wish for. We provide them with luxuries of life. We provide them with everything from food to the child’s education and also, all her make-up kits. We provide them with a house. All we ask in return is for a ’home’," he adds.

A little confused as to the differences between a house and home, Murtaza said, "A house is a shelter made of material to protect you and your family from cold, rain and heat. A home has a much broader meaning. It’s a world of its own within the boundaries of those four walls that you call a house. It’s a world filled with love, affection, sincerity, concern and unity. It’s only the woman of the house that can turn a house into a home."

What’s beginning to be a serious cause of concern is the fact that we have changed our priorities. Self-interests and personal desires are only making us more avaricious. Why do we idealize the west as the solution to all our problems?

"I come back home after a long day’s work, working hard to earn every penny for my family," says Zaid, a banker based in Karachi. "I am dead tired and my biggest reward is to see my wife when I get home. I know a friend who has a similar routine, which is no different than mine, but when he gets home, he has nothing to look forward to except the empty home. His wife returns after he does and what he expects of her is actually what she is expecting of him - the ’dancing around’ attitude. Both eventually end up fighting. None can be blamed. But what’s the solution to this problem?" he adds.

Shehr Naz, a Pakistani based in Canada who is a strong advocate of women’s rights, supports workingwomen. "If today a woman seeks a job, it’s because the man has always made her financially deprived. It’s not just that he wants to have an upper hand. It’s the fact that he wants her to beg him for money," she adds. "Don’t talk about those ideal husbands that provide everything to their wives in a golden plate," she elaborates, "they are very few. You could probably count them on your fingers. Look at an average woman today. Look where the world is today and our men are still not out of their ‘housewife fantasy’."

"These women who talk of women’s rights don’t have the right to complain," argues Jawad Asad, a columnist based in Britain, who is also involved in social work in Pakistan. "They do not truly represent that poor segment of this society who are suffering the most from the brutalities of men. They claim to be the true representatives whereas they do nothing more than publicize the issue. They live a privileged life, taking the best of both worlds. They enjoy a lovely life at home, have all comforts of life but pretend as if they really feel the pain of that woman in androon shehr or rural areas who endures the tortures of her jobless, alcoholic husband who takes away all the money she earns at the end of the month. How can these hi-fi Merc-oriented Begum sahibas relate to those suffering women?" he asks.

"When it comes to their career, their interests, we are given examples of the west, of the rest of the world and are accused of being old-fashioned. But when it comes to being given preference in a long queue, being looked after and made secure as far as domestic expenses of the house is concerned, being provided with all luxuries, not being held of any major responsibilities, then it becomes their right! Why then do we not follow the most idealistic west where everyone, whether it is a boy or a girl, has to pay for our own food, own rent and own gas," he adds.

For everything in life, there is a broader perspective, which should always be borne in mind. Of course, we all come from different schools of thought regarding women’s awareness, which also matters. For a lot of people, certain opinions mentioned here would be from a conservative, old fashioned, paranoid male. For others, it could be a realistic approach. One of the first things that we need to do is to set our priorities right. The debate as to whom amongst the two partners is right or wrong remains a debate forever. Both have something to add to this but does that solve the problem? Why can’t we devote a few minutes at the end of the day to analyze ourselves and see where we went wrong?

Compromise is the key to success in a married life. For a man to think that he owns a woman is absolutely ridiculous. She should be given a right to choose within certain parameters and her decisions should be respected. He should accept that she does have an identity of her own and he cannot treat her like a car; drive her wherever he wants! Women on the other hand, have gone far beyond in their race to get their rights. In their effort to have an identity of their own, they have now started compromising on what was once the most valuable thing to them, their married life. As a result, husbands too, tend to have lost their faith in this relationship. There are no hard and fast rules, no generalizations.

The need for a better family life cannot be ignored today. Irrespective of our gender, we are all humans, and humans who are liable to commit mistakes and mistakes that are meant to be forgiven. A little bit of understanding, compromise, love and respect are all that take to build healthy relationships. Also, a balance should be kept and priorities should be set. There is nothing more one needs. Trust me, if you have the best job in the world, the best circle of friends, loads of money, a good car, ideal house, you may lack a loving family, which leaves you with nothing.