Growing up Muslim

A family moved to North America four years ago. The husband had earned a Master’s degree from a US university several years ago but had to move back to Pakistan against his wishes at the time because some relative told his father that he was becoming too westernized. The father had immediately sent a telegram to his son saying that he is very sick and the son must come home. The son rushed home, saw that the father was fine but extremely worried about the son getting too western. The son agreed to join a large engineering corporation. Sick of the corruption and the lack of opportunity in institutions especially Government, he later migrated to Canada, this time married to a good, fair girl several years younger, from a well to do, educated family to create his children and live the good life.

Armed with a nuclear defence against sexual experimentation, the gentleman looked for work in Canada. Unable to find work, he went back to University financing it through a student loan for a bachelor’s in computer science. By this time the couple had two daughters. At the time I met them, they were struggling under student debt, the job market always terrible in Canada had collapsed to a high of the low point after the tech debacle, and the wife was expecting a third child. The eldest daughter was 6 years old. I used to sense the wife’s frustration about being the wife of a student, budgeting and cooking endlessly. She is a warm and hospitable person who made terrific food and I spent many pleasant afternoons sharing recipes and sampling her cooking. She mentioned that her husband didn’t want her to work even part-time because of the children and insisted that she make chapattis every day. Everything had to be done a certain way and the husband chose that direction.

Over the time we spent as neighbours, we found we agreed on a few critical ideas. Both of us had a relaxed attitude about dogma of being ‘Muslim’ . We shared many ideas about liberty and open communication, but she told me that her husband’s family is different. Her two girls were very shy and seldom visited friends, insisting that the mother should accompany them. Apparently the parents would scare them about visiting other homes, perhaps to try and limit their exposure to other cultures. The father was usually impatient or distant in his dealings with the daughters and often yelled at them over childish behaviour. Parenting for the family was a one parent job, and she had to do it for the simple reason that he paid for food and rent.

They also shared certain lifestyle choices with all average Muslim families. The need for halal meat, the fact that the wife was always dependent on the husband, the husband chose the menus, the clothes, the apartment, and made all spending decisions be they minor or major. One thing stood out even more—the almost Neanderthal ideas about female sexuality. For instance, rules about TV. The little girls weren’t allowed to flip TV channels. The father would yell at them because he thought they were switching the TV channel purposely to a channel where they might show a couple kissing. A six year old child was made to feel guilty for something as simple as flipping a channel. The question is, among Pakistanis, why is sexual curiosity considered so wicked and why are the simplest of things considered sexual? Don’t we have overly sensitive radars where sex is concerned? The fact is that all humans are sexual beings. The lack of sexual drive can be as painful as having one. Ever see those male potency ads? All of Pakistan is dotted with ‘medicine’ shops for sexual potency.

My friend suggested that I apply for the job of the principal of the local Islamic school. The thought though tempting was daunting. Firstly, I am not an authority on Islam and find a lot of the mullaism ridiculous. If forced I might be able to teach a Buddhist influenced version of spiritual strength, and heavily edit out the anti-women stances in the Quran--but teach the teachings as they are taught in Muslim homes, is completely beyond me. I realised then what a contradiction that is. If Islam as it is taught in our homes is inappropriate, then what is the practical alternative to teach morality and faith to our children? If I am uncomfortable subscribing to the dogma that seems to be part and parcel of teaching morality, what choice does one have?. Perhaps what is desperately needed is a religo-cultural centre for all people of Indo origin. Here children from all religions would be able to study comparative religious beliefs and culture. I doubt that I could ever be able to stand in front of a room of innocent minds and say that any mythology is the final answer.

Over time, definitely triggered by the challenges of being an immigrant, my friend’s husband became more and more, ‘Islamic’ in his thinking. In a few months, he was sure that his girls will become sexual beings, westernized and depraved. Especially since the eldest came back from Grade 1 talking about crushes. So up they went to a more desi area into a suite near the Islamic school. The girls go after school to learn the Quran. I can't help thinking that this will automatically teach them how to restrain their sexual impulses, yet remain sexually inviting beings. (Listen to the man, damn it, listen to the man or else).

And then the story of another Muslim family in North America—. Similar story, the husband earned a Master’s from a top university in California. Arrives here, finds no work, decides to get a bachelor’s in computing science. They have two bright boys. My son loves playing with them since they are roughly the same age group. Every now and then, the boys tell him interesting things that my son repeats to me. The first people to tell him about porn were these boys. My son came rushing home, sure he had found a video game website.

In Canada there are awareness centers for differently oriented people--i.e., the invisible minorities of Lesbian, Bisexual, Gay and Transexual community. Once we were all walking by the office of this centre and the two boys got really scared and said, “Oh No. We don’t go by that route. This is a really bad place.” And around that time, my son started talking about gay people and what these boys say about them. An entire series of taboos started. How pork is bad and how dancing is terrible.

Another glimpse is of a Muslim man from Yemen who married a local Canadian girl. This man became incensed with the local culture and moved to an area where he could send his son to an Islamic school. The parents barely spent time with the child otherwise. But when it came to teaching morality, off he went to read the Quran.

The growing up years of Muslim second and first generation families in Dubai provides similar stories about what it means to be Muslim. My friend is a daring and fun girl, in her early twenties who loves to dress up. At a wedding ceremony of a Muslim family where we were both invited, she wore a tube top with a sari. Not one lady could resist staring at her till her mascara fell into her eyes. One even came up and said, ‘I will tell your parents’, to my friend. Talk about a miserable evening for my poor friend. It was embarrassing to watch the general envy mixed with the contempt. Each woman here was wearing enough make-up to make a thick pancake if one scraped it off. Each was so beautifully turned out that a Hind film actress might feel threatened. When it came to contact with the men, it was another thing, both pretended the other didn’t exist. The girls wore clothes and make-up for each other one supposes and the boys decked up for their parents.

Then there is the other, more liberal Pakistani family who moved here because of all the opportunities. Their knee jerk reaction to the Western culture is the same. They find Canada intimidating and scary. They immediately moved to the most desi section of the city. Unable to talk to their children about sexual things, or anything apart from yelling at them periodically, they are sending their children to a madrassah to learn about how to be good Muslims. Many parents barely interact with their children especially sons, and have traditionally brought up children on a sort of auto-pilot where the extended family took care of them. So many parents complain about how they need to look after their children here vs. back home where their servants did everything. Perhaps this is the reason why the wealthiest families who are able to migrate here are incredibly ignorant and prejudiced. Children’s activities as a concept are limited in Pakistan. Children from good families don’t have much physical activity and parents dont teach children anything much outside of the school text-books. The parents may be non-practicing Muslims, but the children are always sent off to read the Quran and learn Namaz. The cable TV beams 60 channels, which the children watch, mostly unregulated. Sexuality is a deferred topic that people usually leave to be explained through pornography and uncensored TV. Perhaps the least healthy way of dealing with the issue, is the most common.

Most of these second generation children have over time become very self-conscious, with constant frowns, and don’t make eye contact with any degree of confidence. Though adept with the local Canadian culture, they are very uncomfortable with adults from the home culture. The boys look at the floor if one speaks to them. And the girls are under-confident, barely talking to their Dad or anybody else. I used to wonder why second generation immigrant children don’t greet one or smile if one meets them. Now, I think I have a small glimpse of what they go through. At home one child is forced to speak in Urdu—if I ever talk to him in English he becomes completely confused because adults only speak to him in Urdu. The child only meets people from Pakistan, apart from school.

The contradictions that migrants live in and impose on their families are exhausting. The ability to live within contradictions is the mark of society’s slaves. The slaves in this case migrate, and escape from a corrupt and unfair environment, for better opportunities. Instead of dealing with difficult questions about values directly, the slave relegates them to the teachings of his religion and tradition. He regresses to what he learnt as a child, though later on he may have rejected it, rather than relying on his own learning and reason.

What, then, is better? where can one draw inspiration and think of a third way? Socrates was one man who stood for the strength that comes from arguments firmly grounded in reason. He chose death over a life of mental slavery. He chose truth over popularity and approval. Approval from others and the inertia of life could not dissuade him from the path of truth. The western civilization owes much to the ancient philosophers who pursued reason over tradition. Every time we admire a bridge, admire efficiency, or enjoy the cleanliness and freedom of the West, we must remember that the price for all that is thought over habit. This thought is perhaps easier than the lies we burden our children and ourselves with.

To sum, it seems that there are two amazing attributes of migrants from Pakistan. The instinct for survival, demonstrated by the drive to attend foreign Universities, earn degrees and migrate successfully to Canada or USA is one, and the other is the slave mentality. Within Pakistan, we complain about the Americans, the Government, the military, India, and corruption for the state of things even as we slip a few hundred rupees at the passport office. We label and ostracize local people on the basis of class, ethnicity or even skin colour. In Pakistan we visit KFC, Mcdonald’s and Pizza Hut, pay 300% more for the same thing at a smaller local joint. We send our children to English schools, desperately migrate to North America, and once we are in the Promised Land, regress to making our children do what we en bloc left behind, regardless of the confusion and agony we put our children through. We are very contemptuous towards other migrant people, and towards the local culture, labelling many groups as immoral, low-class and crude. We use ethnic identities as slurs--Punjabi, North Indian, South Indian, Tamil, Muslim, Irani, Ismaili et al and prefer to stay well within our own migrant group.

This is a huge weakness since our insularity limits colloboration as a group and participation in the political process of our chosen lands. We end up forming narrower and narrower bands of identity, unable to form a collaborative network that influences positive change. For example, if the Muslim community in Canada joined hands with a few other communities and addressed the quality of entertainment available to children here, tighter laws to protect young minds could be a welcome outcome. Perhaps a better school curriculum that recognizes and explains world religions and culture at an earlier age would result from these efforts. But no, the Muslims sit in a huff in a Masjid, the Christians in the Churches, the Hindus stay in the Mandirs and the Sikhs stay bound to the Gurdwara. Each community is sure that what its children face is just unique to its own religion--never realising that the struggle is not Islam vs. the world but old world values vs. capitalist greed that sees no morality in anything but productivity.