The Adventures of Sharfu Oregano

"Sharfuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu....uthhh..........behaya....you reveal your legs while sleeping!" ......Whack! came the cane that Qazi Kodak hit 22-yr-old sharfu with. The boy woke up with a startle and gave the 64 yr old qazi Kodak a quizzical look. "(namak)haraam, subha k saaray paanch baj rahe hain aur tu abhi tak soo raha hai? Tu kya qaum ko sahi kare ga nigoray!" , the 64-yr old Qazi Kodak click click barked. It was then that Sharfu realised his slip and ran for it. He had to wake up all of the 55 four-to-seven year old children in his colony for the morning tableegh session. 5:30am? too late for prayer he thought. Heck, who cares if they show up for the namaz, the Waaz (sermon) is where the Qazi Kodak will do the head count. He will count all people with his electro-sensor-like eyes. After all, the whole sponsorship deal with Kodak is supposed to make him snap the number of people with his eyes. It's the only thing he cares about - they pay him according to the number of people he clicks. Being the Alum-bardaar ( read Brand ambassador) for the sacred Kodak brand in the religious MMA-Shareef area of Karachi is a tough job. And Sharfu had to do qazi Kodak’s dirty work. Once again he was off on his daily routine, shouting ’Uthoooo Waaz Suno’ on the megaphone while riding his bicycle in through the lanes of the area.

Qazi Kodak was in a bad mood today. He was very agitated. And why wouldn’t he be? it was the day he had been dreading. It was 14th February 2025 according to the manhoos roman calendar. The day his daugther turns 21. Today is when she would automatically get visitation rights to all of Karachi. The Karachi Qazi sahab never wanted his daugther to see. The Karachi with places like Offence (They changed the Name from Defence after the military took over the colony). No one but army generals, majors and colonels could stay there now.) and Gulshan-e-liberaal(Iqbal was too conservative), the overtly liberal place where kissing and cuddling in public is as normal as cleaning your nose on the road in MMA- Shareef. Heck, they named the bridge that connected Gulshan with the rest of Karachi ’Lipton bridge’ as they thought people would like to use their Lips on the bridge that overlooked the sea. The tea brand also happened to sponsor it, in a secret deal, so as to avoid any MMA backlash. If there was any place he thought his daughter should visit was the Profit-abad. It was the only place where you make enough money and come back safe to MMA-Shareef. ALB also happened to be the only non-residential community in the whole of Karachi.

Karachi in the New Age

When the Musharraf regime fell in 2005 (President Bush thought that Pakistan needed a ’regime change’ and bombed the country. He also thought he could have another child but thats another story), Karachi had become a fighting ring for the country’s different socio-religious forces. The clash of the communal, religious and liberal titans left the city divided into 4 areas. The religious extremists decided to call their Area MMA-Shareef, much to the ridicule of the liberals who thought it was funny they didnt name it MMA-Badmash. They themselves, on the other hand thought they’d simply put a liberal word into the nomenclature and focus more on doing liberal stuff. The Karafilm was now a month long event and many good pornographic ’art’ movies had come out in the past-year. Then there was the military controlled offence area. The most posh and well-protected streets gave one the feeling of stepping into a piece of Dubai that has been cut and pasted onto this city.

And then there was the binding force, the corporates. They had flown in their experts from around the world, carefully studied the three demographics and made huge tie-ups with everyone. They also decided on the law in this new Karachi. The law was simple: each place has its own law. The last person who tried to form a government in Pakistan was now sharing bedspace with Osama bin Laden at an undisclosed location. His last videotape (aired by Al-Kameena TV) showed him taking pot with his Yemeni brethren in a mountainous area. US forces still couldn’t get near the area he occupied. Karachi needed a law- and what better force than the corporates.

It was decided that each area would have a law of its own and only adults would be allowed to travel out of their designated areas. Everybody would buy the brands that sponsor the reconstruction of their locality. Anyone buying a competing product would be shot down. All adults would have to fill in weekly-reports of what they bought and what they didnt buy and why. The CIA (Corporate Intelligence Agency) now controlled the city with heavily branded checkpoints in different areas. Profit-abad was where the CIA headquarters and other official buildings existed.

"14th February? Shit, I’m supposed to be at this valentine’s bash at 8pm and I havent even cleaned my clothes yet" Sharfu murmured to himself. It was 3 pm and the day’s proceedings werent over yet as Qazi Kodak wanted to make sure the Waaz this day was long enough for him to forget about his daughter. Zari would forget today and then I’ll make it haram for her to step out of the house. I’ll pronounce her dead, he thought. I’ll do anything, maybe send her off on a 10-year chilla. Yeah, 10-year chilla seems good. The al-baik Chilla Tours Company has a good package for $3000. It’s a ridiculous amount anything would be better than that blasphemous all-access pass. Besides, this was bait-ul-maal money, not like I’m spending from my pocket, Qazi Kodak reasoned.

The Journey to ’Freedom’

Finally, at 6pm, Qazi Kodak couldn’t take it and collapsed in front of the dumbfounded crowd. ’Shit!’ , thought Sharfu, now I gotta take this heap and dump him at his home. Told him not to speak his lungs out. He picked up the qazi’s frail body and dropped him off at his home as quickly a he could and headed straight for the Palestinian dry cleaners. ’Heck’ he said to himself as he saw the closed sign. No shops in MMA-Shareef were open this late. OK, he thought, he’s back to using his last resort. He ripped off his qameez’s (long, trench-coat type shirt) sleeves using his all-purpose Khanjar (ancient blade - all MMA-Shareef residents were required to keep one) and also cut the qameez from below the waistline. Hope they buy this for an Aladdin costume, he thought.

He drove at full speed over the Lipton Bridge. The structure trembled a bit with the force- its pillars had weakened due to being constantly urinated upon by the many liberals who relieved themselves at that spot. Funny, Sharfu thought. He was almost there. His place of comfort. Eternal Peace. The billboard saying ’Club Marx’ shone from the corner. It just seems like yesterday, Sharfu thought. He had hit this place in Liberaal along with his other rebellious friends who had had it with the many mindless restrictions people had placed in their native area. This is where some of his freinds had ridden more ladies than he had ridden his bicycle. He was also a performer here. In fact, he was voted drag queen on the many drag nights that happened each Saturday. He himself lost count of the number of times ladies offered him to give them a ’bumpy ride’. Club Marx only had one policy: " Anyone can do anyone - Everyone can do everyone". Today, he decided, would be the night he does something.

After parking his car he took to the Club and entered the place with a wish to find his partner for the night. The place, upon entering, gave the impression of a Big brother controlled zone. Security cameras, locks, Access-restriction signs et al. Eyes familiar to the facility knew these were all duds put up by the owner to give the place a theme. Sharfu knew where he had to go now. He walked right through the center-stage and took the stairs to a cage above the dance floor. This was the ’hook-up’ cage. It hung above the dancefloor and any girl who was interested in adult fun usually walked right up to the cage and joined the guy in comfort.

Sharfu wondered whether any of the girls would even look at him. Most didn’t. Others who did simply couldn’t help laughing at his eccentric appearance. Sharfu decided he’d light up a cigarette and wait a while. He opened the door and lit up. As he released the first wisp of smoke he couldn’t help but notice two eyes that seemed to be fixated at him. A brunette, wearing a maroon velvet top and a matching short skirt. Am I dreaming? Sharfu thought and tried to shake off his assumptions about the lady’s attention towards him. But it seemed too obvious. The eyes didn’t move. He returned her stare and the lady smiled. She lipped the words ’come down’ to him in such an inviting fashion that Sharfu decided to follow the lady’s request at once.

Tina Sexton

He hurried down the stairs and walked right over to the lady. The two faced eachother. They didn’t speak. Sometimes silence is more eloquent than words, Sharfu thought to himself. He slowly neared the lady and gestured her to dance with him. The two took to the dance floor. Sharfu wasn’t sure if he was dancing or performing a traditional Buddhist prayer while he watched the lady dance with an airy grace that would have made Uma Thurman’s performance in Pulp Fiction fade into oblivion. The two were now dancing in harmony amidst the gyrating pulses and the fever-pitched pace of the songs that now engulfed the place. The two inched closer and were now touching each other on several moves. Sharfu’s fire had begun to ignite. His hands started examining her. He gave her sensualism that forced her to keep her eyes closed. Attraction had now taken a sexual turn. The lady could feel his breath and seemed to be enjoying every moment. One song ended and another followed, much to the ignorance of this couple. Sharfu decided now was the time. He guided the lady off the dance floor, through the exit, down towards the parking lot.

"Hi I’m Peter"
"Peter what?" the lady persisted
Sharfu wasn't prepared for this. He looked up at a billboard and said
"Oregano. Peter Oregano"
"Thats a strange name for a local-boy. You got any foreign links or something?"
"Well my mother was Greek and in Greece you pass down the family name from the mother’s side" Sharfu lied again. He was getting good at it.
"Interesting. What do you do Pete?"
"I’m a DJ....looking for work here actually"(...yeah, DJ Sharfu Waaz wala , he thought to himself).
"Enough about me. You tell me, what’s your name?"
"Tina"
"Full name?"
"Tina Shah"
"Well...Tina, what do you do"
"I’m a general’s wife. I shop all day and wait for when my husband comes home. He’s out on foreign trips and is usually tired when he’s back. They say its a tough job in the military. He’s never there when I need him. I need time you know..."
"...must be pretty tough I guess" Sharfu sympathised
"I am dying for satisfaction....My desires are the size of an ocean now"..
"..hmmm..."
Suddenly, Tina took sharfu in a semi-hug, looked into his eyes and said "Can you drink from an Ocean Pete?"
This was it. Sharfu couldn’t take it any longer. He unlocked his Car and told her to get in the back. Damn! The moment’s here, he said to himself. He would finally lose his bachelors degree to a real woman and no one would ever know.

Beeeeeeeeeeeeep! went the noise of the cellphone as soon as he opened his car door. The phone lying on his dashboard was buzzing and beeping like there was no tomorrow. Damn! I knew I shouldn’t have brought the thing along.
"Hello"
"Hello Sharfu?!"
"haan"
"Kahan mar gaya hai! Mein Qazi Kodak bol raha hun! teri zaroorat hai ! ghazab ho gaya hai ! Zari left the house at 1 pm and hasnt returned till now! find her! I’m trying to call her on her cellphone but she’s not picking up". Who would want to pick up an @$$hole’s call anyway, sharfu thought. "what did you say sharfu?" "Nothing, let me try calling her up".
He turned to Tina and said "This’s just take a minute".

"Sure. In the meanwhile I’ll just make my self comfortable in this car" she said in a devilishly charming style. Something told Sharfu Tina is readier than an aeroplane before take-off.

He stepped out of the car and dialled Zari’s cell number. Dont ring Dont ring! But to Sharfu’s disappointment, the phone rang. Zari hadn’t switched her phone off.

"Hello!" came a voice from the other end.
Sharfu thought the voice echoed. "Mein Sharfu bol raha hun Zari behen, aap kahan hain?"

"Sharfu bhai mein bari ho gai hun. I am out with a guy called Peter that I met at the Club Marx and I’m not coming home for the night. I’m sick and tired of everything and I’m sitting in his car looking on my way to some comfort. I cannot live in a place where I haven’t seen any men, not even you Sharfu! Now Pete’s out making a phone call and before he comes back I want you to shut the phone and keep this a secret and I’ll pay you half of Dad’s salary for this month if you do this cover-up job for me smoothly, deal??"

A loud sound of "Shittttttttttttt!" is what startled Zari and made her look outside the car....she thought the sound echoed from her phone...