The First or the Last Letter

Dear Love,

I want to write a letter to you. I have wondered for days what to say. I know what I feel but I do not know how to say it without sounding mushy and childish. Maybe if I say all this to your face, we can laugh it off together? But my modesty fails me, as I cannot imagine the pain of hearing your ridicule at something I had said or did. I cannot stand being laughed at. So, I say nothing and write nothing.

My friends say that if you cannot tolerate ridicule or criticism, then you should not play with words and feelings. I guess they are right. But then, what is my problem? How come I am still unhappy and sad? I know! It is this silence between us. Until I own up to my worst fears I will never learn what I mean to you. I will have write this and let you decide for yourself. You will have to reject or select me. That is the only way we will find some hope in our relationship. Here I go again… words are all I have and they appear so uncomforting!

I pick up my pen trying to write something fabulous that will just take your breath away, something so wonderful and eloquent that your heart will skip a beat and then you will instinctively know that I am the one for you. If only I was naive enough to believe that these magic moments exist outside of the movies and romantic novels. They don’t! In the eternal tussle between the heart and mind I tear sheet after sheet from my notebook until the floor is littered with crumbled papers. It is of no use! Nothing eloquent can be written that can convey what I want to say.

Sighing bitterly I consider giving up the effort. As I look up from my bed at the dresser mirror, I catch a glimpse of myself in the looking glass and suddenly I start laughing. I cannot help it. It is so comical. I see a pretty young woman, known for her literary sense since childhood, crying and wailing because she doesn’t know how to tell the man she loves that she loves him. I laugh till tears fill my eyes. How could I be so silly and not know something that I have been telling others all my life?

I don’t have to think what I need to say to you. I just need to say it. To write a letter to you, I just have to put my pen to paper and let it flow. My heart will guide my pen, and if you are the one for me, you will see the beauty in my simplicity! So, here I am, writing anything and everything I want to say to you. I don’t care if it makes you laugh at me. If it does then I will consider it a blessing. If you feel disillusioned and let go of me I will sadly accept that too. But if you feel there is a chance of happiness for either of us, read on.

I don’t know what I like about you most. I love the sound of your voice though and sometimes I listen so ardently to it that I lose track of what you are saying. You have this musical baritone with a tinge of cheerfulness and I can never get out of my head. And when you talk, your lips move like magic, curved in a smile every now and then, and I feel the urge to touch them with my own. Your presence radiates a glow and warmth like sunshine and I bask in the radiance of your being. Then, there is something about your eyes when you look at me. You have big, honest eyes, with stars that twinkle when you smile and tiny lines creep up under your eyes and on your nose when you laugh. When you look at me, magic happens. I feel exhilarated by that look. It’s an amazing feeling and it lasts for fleeting moments.

Maybe it’s your mouth that can talk without words. When you are upset or sad you pout your lips a little, your chin sags and you look vacantly at the things around you. When you are really happy, the corners of your mouth curve into a shy smile and you almost close your eyes as if ravishing in the feeling of joy. I never quite understand why you sometimes sit quietly with brooding eyes and half parted lips to let out a silent sigh.

When I ask you, it makes your cheeks color up but you never tell. I would give anything to know what you think in such moments. I know it is about something you love that makes you sad. What is it?

I am unable to name specifically what I love in you. On the phone, when you fall silent and I can only hear you breathing, there is a peace and comfort in your presence that makes conversation unnecessary. I can enjoy hours of this silence with you that will drive me crazy with anyone else. And when you feel like talking freely, I quietly listen to everything you say and feel it deep inside, knowing that later I will spend hours pondering over all you have said. When you ask me why I was so quiet, I reply that I was just listening to what you were saying. And that makes you laugh! Despite all my literary talents, I am at a inexplicable loss of words when I am with you because my heart is so occupied with adoring everything about you.

When I come to you with all my frivolous dreams, fantasies and problems, I adore the way you listen gently and kindly. You sit there with your chin resting on your hands, lips almost breaking into a smile and eyes so keen and thoughtful that I want to close them with my lips. When I finish talking, you take a moment to collect your thoughts. Heaven knows what you are thinking about when you clear your throat while trying to fight back the smile. And then, you clasp your hands and tell me slowly and gently what to do. You are never assertive, just suggestive and you let me see things the way you see them, in a simple, logical way. No one makes me feel loved and cared for as you do when you disentangle my troubles.

I will never feel alone until you leave my side. So many times I catch myself thinking what a fine father you will make. That would explain my smile when you try to ease out my worries. I must confess that most of the things I bring up do not worry me much, but I cannot remedy the desire to hear what you have to say about it. I need these moments with you to live on. Whenever I am alone I relive them a zillion times. I could tell you more about yourself than you would have noticed in a lifetime. Please don’t laugh at my silly heart because I feel I owe you absolute honesty if even you find it comical.

There are so many things I want to ask you. For instance, why do you frown when you are working? It does not look good on you and it makes me want to smooth it out gently. I will do that someday so that every time you frown, you remember me and end up smiling.

Sometimes when we have people around, you pretend you don’t notice I am there. Honestly, you have the nerve to look at me and then move on as if you saw no one in particular. It hurts like hell! But when I do the same thing to you, you get that pained, sullen look on your face and you make me regret that I hurt your feelings. Why do you do it?

Again, once in a while I catch a glimpse of a lost look on your face when I am with other people and you are unaware of my watchful eyes. It is there for a second or two and then you turn away. If I could describe that expression in one word, I would call it yearning. Tell me, what goes on inside your head when you look so lost? I feel hopelessly helpless when I see you so!

I have never seen you cry, but I know the sound of your voice when you are really sad. There is a darkness and silence that frightens me. You are so boyish in your ecstasy and such a man in your sorrows. I cannot help you when you are feeling blue and it makes me grieve deeply. You tend to disappear when you are lonely or morose and when I find you, you are too much of a man to cry in my arms. I wish you would let go of your pride and let me soothe your worries. Just let me hold you when you cry and sit with you quietly until you feel like talking about it. I want to feel your head in my lap and stroke your locks until you fall asleep. I want to watch you sleep until you wake up, feel refreshed and smile again.

I don’t want you to give me a world of happiness. I am content with having you here and knowing that you are the one for me no matter where we end up. If someday, we are not together, I know I will fall for a guy who has something like you in him. You are my kind of man. I have met so many people and every time I find myself pondering over someone’s looks or profession or family or person, I know that I am wasting my time. When you love someone, you don’t care about compatibility, you just instinctively know the feeling. Nothing else matters. It is our basic elements that decide the best combination for our hearts and souls. Anything less is just a rational way of giving up on love.

I have considered what will I do with you and what will I do without you? I guess it is time that I find an answer to one of these questions and leave the other alone.

So, here is my letter to the man I love, telling him that I want to live with all his faults and flaws and love him more. I want you to know that living a mundane life with you, would make me the happiest person in the world. I need to share every part of my being with you and die knowing that I have lived a remarkable life. But this is only what I feel.

I want you to be able to say whatever you feel without any hesitation or restraint. I need to know if there is a hope of a life together… if not, I want to have you always as my best friend. No matter where we live our lives, I need to know that you will be there for me and will trust me enough to be there for you.

Now that I have put my pen to paper, I know this letter will never be truly finished because there will never be enough words to express my feelings. I will always remember something about you that will make me laugh or cry in an instant, and that moment can only be felt, never told. All I know is that I love you in all ways that a woman can love a man ardently and in more ways than any woman can love any other man.

Awaiting my destiny!

Yours only,

B