Getting Hooked

Being the clever person I am, many people seek my advice on many subjects under the sun. One twenty-something wanted my advice on how to prepare for the pre-marriage drama also known as laRki dekhayee or Girl-Watching in English so common in South Asian community. Here is a detailed response for the benefit of the general public.

1. DRESS CODE for prospective in-laws

Orthodox
Father in law with a sharaii daRhi and trimmed moustache streaked with henna and mother in law with hijab. The groom should be half-half (no daRhi but a moustache)... please wear shalwaar qameez preferably shocking pink, deep violet or red.

Modern
Father in law clean shaved, mother in law threaded, son clean shave with an earring in the right ear: hipster sari of pastel shades with light zari work and gota-kinara...make sure your belly button is polished and shiny.

2. JEWELLERY

Orthodox
24-karat gold jewellery of the healthy type meaning thick, heavy, tasteless and ugly, minimum quantity to wear: two necklaces, 20 gold bangles with matching bracelets in each arm and pearl-drop jhumkay with nikki nikki naqli moti... a nose ring of the bigger size through which a shawl should easily pass and a jhoomar for extra credit.

Modern
Never wear gold, only diamonds. A light diamond necklace with a pendant, the largest stone (diamond) should not exceed 5 carat else they might take you for an upstart, matching diamond tops, another diamond in the nose and a ruby in the belly button is just about perfect.

3.PERFUME

Orthodox
Use only attar manufactured by Asghar Ali Mohammad Ali, previously of Lucknow and presently of Bundar Road, Karachi. Famous brands for use by prospective daughters in law are: Shamamat-ul Ambar, Mushk e Firdaus, Mogra, Raat ki Rani or Madinay ki khushboo... the last one is very popular among the jihadi families.

Modern
Fcuk, Sexx, Givenchy or Gurlain and Magriffe if the prospective family is old money.

Now that attire and adornment are taken care of, comes the difficult part...viz: serving of cake biskut, phal froot , meetha sheetha etc to the prospective haram khors:

4.HOSPITALITY

Orthodox
Use a big tray if trolley not available, half cover your head with dopatta falling just above your nose showing off the big nath with naqli moti. Walk demurely from the kitchen to the living room slowly, regally and sexily without moving too much of your assets. Start serving from mother in law’s right side... hopefully you were smart enough to ask the maasi to place plates in front of the guests and your troop of combatants. Next you serve the old man and then the Bakra. Try to linger a nona-second longer in the proximity of the Bakra and accidentally brush his fingers with your’s. If there is any sparkle you should agree to this proposal, if there is no sparkle you should agree to what your parents suggest.

Modern
Dressed in your hipster chiffon sari, tucked precariously low with the pigeon-blood burma ruby twinkling in your belly, make a grand entry from the kitchen with the butler and his assistant in your wake laden on hand-made italian trollies with all kind of goodies purchased from the belgian confectionary...boldly proceed and sit close, very close to the Modern Bakra.

Ask him if he is into reading and if by mistake he claims to read ask him his opinion of Naomi Wolfe and Germaine Greer...chances are he won’t know what you are talking about then very patronizingly ask him if he has heard of Betty Friedan and her philosophy. If the reply is in the negative, accept him, he is the most suitable idiot for you and your family.