Actors:
Director: Steven Spielberg, Producer:
I had watched the entire star wars trilogy (the first one) in Pakistan, it had been a religious experience in the truest sense of the word; under Moulvi Zia`s dictatorship, one of the few sins available were Nafdec Cinema`s (in Islamabad) Eid feature, which was usually a James Bond or a Star Wars flick and the morning Eid prayer was complimented by catching the matinee show, in order to forget the drollery of the morning sermon. The fervor of the crowd to procure tickets even then had been no less rambunctious as it has been recently witnessed in the United States. Although my enthusiasm over the years has tremendously waned for movies; especially for "commercial" films and star wars was no exception to the rule.
It so happens that one of my very close friend is a Star Wars geek; he had bought tickets a month in advance. With war clouds looming over the sub-continent and I myself ready to head back home after six years of abeyance, out of which four years were spent at an American Madressa rote-memorizing buzz words to enter corporate America from where I was recently released after two years of imprisonment; also not forgetting the veylati paper certificate, which adorns my parents living room in Muzafargarh, officially vindicating me to be highly Para-leekha (educated). So it was with compunction that I agreed to watch the premier show with my friend, even though I was seriously entangled in a border quagmire of my own. The hallway of my apartment building is infested with the legendary fetid that corporate America, especially the software industry is all to familiar with; many times I have walked into my neighbor`s apartment, a four feet, eight inch Brahmin with the intention of diplomatically enlightening him on the virtues of hygiene and deodorant but as usual Pakistani diplomacy fails. How long can you suppress bad BO with more filth? The smell has started to spill far beyond the apartment borders and thus makes the problem a mutual one.
Therefore with confounded thoughts and whiffs, I made my final Ziarat to the theater. The theater parking lot had transformed into a football stadium, people in tents, trailers, had conglomerated outside the theater, grilling brats, sitting on their camping chairs as if there was a football match in progress. The scene was reminiscent of a sporting event rather than a movie, although in my school years I was not able to develop a taste for American sports as in the evenings I had to deliver pizzas in the ghetto, dodging cheese and bullets to pay for the exorbitant tuition fee. The lines were long in the theater but luckily for those who had procured the tickets beforehand, the lines were short. The crowds and their enthusiasm had psyched me up to forget about my worries and to watch the most awaited movie of the year with the utmost attention.
As I begin my review, as a preemptive measure, I would like to apologize to the ardent Star Wars geek as I am not cogently familiar with the terminology and will rather too generously concoct words to describe scenes which a layman desi mind like me comprehends. The scene starts of with the introductory notes appearing on the screen, setting the scene, Queen Amadila who is longer the Queen but an elected Senator. Talk about political correctness, "In a galaxy far, far away, there was democracy" but no Greeks. As soon as Senator Amidala lands on the planet where she is to address the Senate; her ship comes under attack (freedom and democracy were attacked). The Jedi council or let`s say the diverse Jedi council with Samuel L Jackson representing the African-America Jedi brothers, decide to place two Jedi knights to protect Senator Amidala. The Jedi knights appear to be a cross between a Yogi and an American Marine. Also the naked fakir, master Yoda, has a more prominent role in the movie, besides one liners, he finally duels with someone--------none other than the Quaid himself (Christopher Lee), just when the audience was beginning to think Master Yodi was all talk, no action and his mumbo jumbo about the force was nothing but proverbs out of Chinese fortune cookies.
The Jedi knights chosen to protect Senator Amidala turn out to be none other than Anekin Skywalker and Obi, who had also been training Anekin (extremely badly, if I may say so; I definitely felt during certain parts of the movie that all Anekin needed was a good Chand to set him straight). Anekin is ten years older and much more horny than in the first episode with hormones falling out of his ears. As soon as Anekin meets Senator Amidala; he has only two things on his mind, his mother and how to ____ Senator Amidala, truly a lurid Freudian character who throughout the movie does not utter a single sentence that would disclose any kind of intelligence. To find the bounty hunter who tries to kill Senator Amedala with poisonous escargot, Obi departs on a Robert Fisk style mission, which leads him to a planet where an army of brainless clones are preparing to attack the "empire". While Amidala and Anekin are left without a chaperone to frolic in planet sweet valley Naboo where she wears come-eat-me dresses with her aerobic instructor taut abdomens visible throughout the movie but like a Jane Austin heroine, promoting the campaign against teenage pregnancies, says no to all of Anekin`s indecent overtures.
Anekin after a bad dream decides to go in search of his Mom, accompanied by Senator Amidala. Here the movie takes an interestingly geographical and cultural shift, the first part was dominated by Empire, democracy, frolics in mountainous cool regions, freedom. The planet where his mom is enslaved is a desert type planet where the climate appears to be hot. One can`t help noticing the mud plastered domes and minarets in the background when Anekin interrogates his former master who appears to be nothing but a stupid greedy native of the planet; a planet where there is no democracy, practices slavery, people are greedy and stupid, live in deserts and construct minarets and domes. George Lucas is truly a genius. Finally when Anekin finds his mother dead who was kidnapped by some Gypsy/ Bedouin type people who the audience merely manage to catch a glimpse of, Anekin kills them all, there men, women and children and on his return tells Senator Amidala, "They were animals, I killed women and children of animals, they were all animals". Senator Amidala consoles Anekin lovingly for the massacre and serves him blue milk and cookies and eventually rewards him by marrying him. Who cares about the women and children of animals; who are stupid, undemocratic, live in deserts and construct minarets and domes.
The last part of the movie is where all the action is - fighting, fighting and more fighting but it did not amuse me; my attention had already faltered by this time. Whether Lucas used a Linux server or not, who cares. I have made it back to my apartment building and stepping into the hallway the smell quaintly reminds me of the present crisis. Sitting on the floor of my empty apartment before departing I pronounce a secular prayer with my hands inverted, pointing towards the earth not sky: May this earth never be smeared with blood for the sake of any religion or for the profit of any multinational corporation; may George Lucas continue to entertain us, and may the spirit of Amer, Akbar, Anthony prevail over the borders and state of Gujrat, so we all might be able to BREATH a little more freely.
