Lately Obama phenomenon and his multi-racial background have created a lot of hoopla and bucked race discussion up a few notches in the US. While a lot of attention has been paid to children of multi-racial background, a lot remains to be said about the couples that face enormous challenges in raising these kids. It is not uncommon for moms to be mistaken as maids, and dads as chauffeurs. “Are your kids adopted?” is a question most interracial couples have heard at least a few times in their lives.

Because interracial and interfaith marriages involve an additional dimension to a relationship, it adds extra stress for these couples not present in same-race same-faith marriages. Below are a few of the issues interracial couples face, in addition to other day-to-day issues present in all marriages, and in addition to the racial hearsay that they may have to confront:

- Where to live? Often involving decisions for Country, City, Neighborhood
- What or if any religion to raise kids in
- What languages to teach them
- What names to give them
-What obligatory and customary cultural and religious rituals to follow
-How to make children comfortable in their dual identity
-How to find a balance in habitually conflicting ideals (e.g., privacy, individuality, etc.)

By no means it is to suggest that these issues are unique only to interracial couples. These may appear fairly diminutive when looked at each in isolation, but the compounded consequence of not properly addressing these issues can break an interracial marriage or, at a minimum, blow a big dent in it.

During the colonial era elsewhere and Slavery in America, children born as a result of rape or secret liaisons were referred to as bastards or slightly more respectfully as half-breed, mutt, half-cast, mulatto, and with many other region-specific terms. The Slavery era leftover ‘anti miscegenation’ laws existed (barring Whites from marrying non-Whites) in some US states until the civil rights movement of the late `60s. Such laws existed until the end of apartheid in South Africa. A variation of these laws, in shape of religious civil code, still exists in some parts of the world, notably Saudi Arabia and Iran. Now, interracial marriages worldwide are becoming commonplace. In the US, according to census data, there were 65,000 Black-White couples in 1970, the number for 2005 was over 400,000. Such numbers also invite opposition from various hate mongering groups under the semblance of “racial impurity” in countries like Australia, Canada, USA, only to name a few. With a surge in inter-continental immigration, racial issues have come affront while in the past these only made a passing reference. Hate and racially motivated crime have also risen steadily in England, Germany, France, US and many other countries with significant immigrant communities.

Twenty odd years ago, with sizable overseas student population at Universities in England, interracial dating among students was as common as going for Sunday brunch at your local pub. In my dormitory, 6 people (of varied racial and religious backgrounds) out of 15 were involved in interracial affairs, and 2 of them (including myself) ended up marrying the people they were dating. I didn’t keep up with the same-race dating cases in my dorm. To my guy friends, race hardly mattered (chicks mattered more than their race) but my female friends were more discerning. Nevertheless, there was an appeal for looks exotic. Northern and Western European girls in particular were attracted to darker skin guys. Not to sound racist, but white guys were least likely to go out with non-white girls. This was then. From what I hear, the trend continues. In my university newsletter, roughly 10% of all wedding announcements are of interracial marriages. The trend, as 20 years ago, still appears to be mostly white women marrying outside of their race. Just as in England, in the US interracial marriages, in addition to racial trends, there are apparent gender-related trends. According to a Stanford study, 3/4th of Asian-White marriages involve Asian women, and more than twice as many Black men marry White women as vice-e-versa.

In the `80s (and even today) prejudice existed specially in small towns. London, Paris, Rome are friendlier places, but when you go to Plankstadt, it’s as ethnic-consciously distant from Hamburg as Tuscaloosa is from New York City. People in small towns tend to be very protective of their little habitats, and insularity is important to them. In most places, visitors are welcome, but don’t make a house there. In a small town Arizona, where my son’s team from NYC was once competing against a team from Wyoming, I heard a Wyoming mom say to another woman, referring to our team: “if they can’t speak English, they shouldn’t be playing soccer”. My wife and I had laughs for days.

Worldwide, interracial marriages are on the rise. Michael Rosenfeld, a Stanford demographer calculates that 7% of 59 million US married couples in 2005 are inter-racial, compared to less than 2% in 1970. Rosenfeld factored in all variations of race, and it included marriages between White Latinos and White Americans, Jewish and Catholic among others, so the numbers are a bit exaggerated. When Black-White, Black-Asian, Asian-White, or non-White Latino-White, and other combinations are considered, the numbers are not as high. Even though it is changing for better now and interracial marriages are becoming more acceptable. However, 20 years ago, because of my religion, a German priest would not officiate our marriage nor would a Greek Orthodox priest be willing to bless it. My own Masjid in London would politely turn down request for a Nikah service unless my fiancée converted to Islam. I even weighed up the idea of converting myself, but that didn’t go well with my fiancée. That was that. Our other options were to either continue living in sin, or get registered at a public registry. We got registered. Later we had a small reception in Germany (as my in-laws lived there), followed by a small one in my village in Punjab, mainly because my clansmen would have killed my father and kidnapped my wife for denying them the occasion of customary wedding feast.

Fast forward 20 years and 2 kids later. “Other” is not a category that does justice to kids of multiracial identities – (“other” is still such an improvement over “half-breed”). It is very satisfying to see “Mixed Race” as an option on census and other forms, along with a space to identify one-self as Greek-Pakistani-American (Greekistani is what my kids think of themselves). My kids have mixed race friends that are Chexicans, Kurdish-Italian, Puerto-Greekan and a Jewpanese among others. In our small circle of friends, two mixed race marriages ended in divorce (including a couple after 25 years of marriage with 2 grown children), a number comparable to same-race couples that we know. With all said and done, how do you address the above questions?

Hollywood has made a number of movies (from the classic ‘Guess who’s Coming to Dinner’ to ‘Monster’s Ball’, ‘Jungle Fever’,’ ‘Mississippi Masala’, and many more). These movies, however, depict only the romantic aspects of interracial relationships, and do not touch upon other equally important pieces such as raising children, inter and intra-family dynamics, etc. TV sitcoms have also not really addressed these issues, but it has become very common to see interracial couples on TV shows, and bi-racial fashion models and kids in commercials. I guess, at present, there is no demand for a Cosby Show of sorts with an interracial couple and kids. Hopefully one day.

We are hardly experts on interracial relationships or on raising kids. Every family and every union is unique, what works for some, does not necessarily work for others. This is how we attended to the questions raised above to help keep our boat afloat:

(1) After much deliberation, back and forth between Pakistan, Greece, England, US, making NYC home was our choice – no brainer there.
(2) We exposed our children to both our religions, and read them books of both faiths. When they are old enough to make a choice for what appeals to them, it will be their choice. My older son, a high school senior, is interested in both Islam and Orthodox Christianity, as well as atheism. We celebrate festivals of both faiths.
(3) We alternate between Greece and Pakistan for our summer vacations, and we made an effort to teach them our tongues (at least at a very basic conversational level - Punjabi and Greek). Our boys feel at home in both Pakistan and Greece. They feel strong connection to both lands. Our dinner table conversations have included topics such as “if Greece and Pakistan go into war, which side will you root for”? “India” says one, and “Turkey” the other.
(4) On names, we decided that boys will get Pakistani first name, and a Greek middle name. Girls will get Greek first, Pakistani middle. My wife blames it on my defective sperm for producing only boys. Oh well.
(5) We were open to all rituals to make both sets of grandparents happy. In Greece, boys will be baptized, and will have their Hakeekas in Lahore.
(6) This question has never really come up to address. When the boys see both their parents happy and proud of their identities and cultures, that rubs off on them. It makes them feel proud to be of mixed heritage, as well as their own identity as New Yorkers – which is a race on its own merit.
(7) Finding a balance between differing standards is perhaps the most challenging one, at least in the beginning of such relationships. Subliminally one is always worrying about not making a fool of oneself. Overtime, it becomes less challenging. However, with time one acquires a knack for facing unfamiliar situations. In interracial relationships, every day is a new drama, and life is never dull. In the beginning when my wife would address my elders by their first names, it didn’t go well with many of them. She learned fast. I made a fool of myself with her relatives as well. I still do. It’s a life long learning process.

Do interracial couples get dragged into conflicts and politics of extended families? You bet. They have all of the same issues to deal with as other couples, except multiplied by two. Like any other marriage, there are occasional rough waters and those that make an effort to get thru them, get thru them. Stats from the US National Centre for Health indicate that the breakup with 10 years of marriage for interracial couples is 41% compared to 31% for same-race couples. The overall breakup rate is pretty much the same for both groups. This statistic makes me wonder whether race is even an issue in breakup of marriages.

My older son will be starting college this fall, and will experiment with stuff that he was not allowed to while living at home. I hope and pray to my Pakistani God that he is respectful, responsible, and dependable to his friends. Our job of raising him is now done. He is a well-rounded kid, good in academics, athletics, musically talented and a serious distance runner. He will face challenges that are different from our times. I am confident that he will handle those challenges as well as his peers.

One of the many neat things that enriched both our families has been on the culinary front – considering how piggish the folks are on both sides. Many Greek dishes are now very popular with my extended family in Lahore, while my Greek relatives can’t get enough of Tikkas and Kababs and Pakistani sweets (burfee, Jaleebis, etc.) are a major hit with them. Some of our relatives will eat anything.

Some will argue that coming from comparable educational and socioeconomic backgrounds is dues ex machina for such relationships. There may be some validity to that suggestion, but it takes a lot more than just that. There is no one single factor that impacts the strength or success of such relationships, but a myriad of factors. It is safe to say that interracial marriage is only successful if the couple is willing to find a balance between cultural, religious, and social norms of two different communities. Learning not only to accept but also to respect and embrace each other’s culture is only the first step. When such unions fail, it may not be a cultural reason behind the breakup, but a personal one. However, having good awareness of cultural sensibilities provides a strong foundation to build the relationship on. My views about such relationships are that while they bring cultures together, ultimately it is the individual one falls in love with, and his or her skin color or religion has nothing to do with why one falls in love in the first place. There’s a saying in Punjabi: “dil Khoti tay vi aa jaye, tay aa jaye” (love is blind – most certainly color blind).