1. "Men Are Weird"


It was another hot July afternoon and a dusty wind rushed through Karachi, hoping to carry the heat to every last nook of the large seaport.


The wind meandered through the narrow lanes of the slums where dark, unclothed children splashed in the mud. It jostled its way into the sheltered bazaars and markets where shopkeepers offered softdrinks to hot-faced customers. It jogged along the crowded streets near the shopping malls, where pedestrians played dodge-that-car-and-piss-off-the-driver. It circled the apartment complexes packed with the middle-class, where inexpensive vests, underwears and socks greeted the breeze from the balconies. It sprinted across the broader roads leading to Defence Housing Society, the residence of the elite. It turned the corner of a remarkably unlittered avenue and beat down in protest on a posh 10,000 square-foot bungalow. Inside, in her air-conditioned bedroom, on a plush sofa next to the window (the curtains tightly drawn) sat a bored-looking young woman.


She lifted her left hand, slipped it under the curtains and lightly touched the window glass.


"Uff. I hate this weather. Its so hot and messy," she complained, in a voice which her friends described as "cultured" and her critics as "affected".


"Whatever," said her friend without looking up from the Cosmopolitan that she was reading.


"Why did Pakistan have to be so messy and hot and full of sweaty--"


"Shut up Tania. Just shut up. Last month you were dying to get out of ’miserable' New York."


Tania stretched her toes out in front of the air conditioner and stared moodily at her polished nails. She was an elegant young lady. She dressed tastefully, preferred the darker shades in lipstick and nail-polish, streaked her hair religiously every month and (as is inevitable in the daughters of rich families) considered herself quite an authority on fashion. One could see her as the future wife of a well to-do bureaucrat with an outstanding ancestry.


Yet, beneath the make-up her, oval face was young and innocent. Discounting the eyeliner and mascara, her large brown eyes belied naivette. And her red mouth curved in a child-like scowl at her companion's curt remark. And it always amazed her friend how Tania could look so well-groomed and mature and be such a child at heart, could seem such a fast, high-society girl and be the farthest thing from a flirt.




Her friend Saadia, stretched carelessly out on the bed was Tania's antithesis appearance-wise. She dressed comfortably but unimpressively. She never wore make-up except when she had to go to a wedding. On such an occasion, she would borrow her mother's lipstick, smudge it on a fingertip and dab her lips lightly with it. One could see her as having been a tomboy, of having gone around snatching some meek boy's lunch and smacking him if he dared complain. Straight black hair (not permed or streaked), a chubby face and a stout built, she looked at least four years younger than Tania; yet was a few years wiser.




Tania got up slowly, strolled over to Saadia and looked down on the magazine she was reading.


"How to satisfy your man's sexual needs. Oh gross!"


"Would you prefer "what makes a man ache with lust"?" asked Saadia laughing, and flipping the pages over to the alluded article.


"That's soo sick. Oooh," said Tania, making a face but nevertheless setting herself down next to Saadia and poring over the pages.


"Men are so... so..." began Tania.


Saadia looked up expectantly.


"I mean the whole idea is so... creepy."


"Tania, you're asexual," said Saadia with a laugh.


"You might be right," said Tania with a solemn face. "I mean I just can't see myself married. Married to a man. Living with a man. Getting up with him in the same--room. And you know what really gives me the creeps?"


"Er-- Tania, I can guess."


"Sharing the bathroom with him"


"Oh God."


"No Saadia, just imagine: the same bathroom, the same water, his shaving foam. Ooh!"


"Tania you're weird."


"No, Men are weird. Marriage is weird. And mothers are weird."


"Oh, did aunty say some--"


"She said, she said ,"once Tania graduates I am not going to wait any longer". Hmmph!"


"Are you serious?" asked Saadia, trying not to laugh.


Tania nodded four or five times.


"This time next year, there will be creeps in my drawing room, with their fat old mothers, come to see me."


"And then a month later you'll be married."


"To an anal-retentive Chartered Accountant," Tania added with a comical air of gloom.


"Hey, my father is a Chartered Accountant."


"Oh sorry Saadia, but I'm sure they make better fathers than--"


"Hey!"


Tania sobered down.


"No, the whole thing is scary." And they both fell silent.


Saadia started to read Cosmopolitan again. A month into her summer vacations and she already wanted to be back at Tufts. Even the thought of cafeteria food did not discourage her. God, she thought to herself, I must be really bored.


"You know Saadia, there is this guy at my college..."


Saadia once again looked up from the magazine.


"He's a real creep."


"Tania every man you meet is a creep. Could you be a bit more descriptive?"


"No Saadia he is a creep. He stares at me and--"


Saadia furrowed her brow. Tania sounded unnecessarily agitated.


"--And he's a real cheapster. He thinks he's so hot and he goes around with all these girls -- all cheap like him. And so he thinks that all girls go ga-ga over him."


"He's good-looking huh?"


"Well not... yeah I suppose-- Michelle thinks he is."


Saadia groaned. She had met Michelle only once and had despised her instantly.


"So he is Michelle's friend?"


"Sort of. She introduced me to him. And I didn't like him from the start. I didn't even want to shake hands with him. And he obviously did! But still I quickly withdrew my hand. So a week later I see him at a party and he comes up to me and says: "Remember me? We shook fingers". That creep!"


"And what did you say?"


"Well, nothing really. Only I had to shake hands with him-- properly."


"So what's his name?"


"Tooraj. He's Iranian."


"Iranian," repeated Saadia.


"Settled in America. And his father is a surgeon, so he is very rich. He drives a BMW."


"Well at least he'll be able to afford you," said Saadia with a laugh.


"Shut up you bitch. How can you say that. The guy is an ass-hole. He's a bloody womanizer."


"Let him be, Tania. What's bothering you?"


"Well he always stares at me this way...."


"Look Tania if he bothers you, go up to him and give him a tight slap. If you won't, I'll come down to New York and slap him for you."


"No, its not that Saadia. I mean he doesn't mean any harm. I mean he's Michelle's friend. He must be-- he can't be..."


"You said he is a rich, creepy, womanizer."


"And he drinks a lot. He gets drunk at parties all the time."


"You know a lot about him."


"Well, Michelle talks about him to me," explained Tania.


"Why didn't you tell me about him before?"


"I just met him this semester."


"Well excuse me, but we talked every week this semester."


"Well it was towards the end-- no-- more like the middle... the middle--end part."


Saadia stared intently at her friend's face, then relaxed and said:


"He is rich, good-looking and not an anal-retentive Chartered Accountant."


"And a creep. I hate him."




2. "It's All Michelle's Fault"




It was a cold, wet November night and the wind hissed and spat on the windows of Oakley towers, a dormitory at Williams College in New York. Inside one of the few lit windows (it was Sunday and a little after two) the air was warm, dry and laden with Calvin Klein's "Obsession". Tania sat on her bed, reclining on a pillow propped up against the bed-post. She was on the phone with Saadia.


"Oh, you know what happened on Saturday?"


"No I don't want to talk about Tooraj." said Saadia.


"But Saadia--"


"Listen Tania, the whole summer and this whole semester, its been Tooraj. Tooraj looked this, Tooraj stared that. Tooraj drunk this--"


"But Saadia I can't help it. Its weird. We keep seeing each other."


"No. You keep seeing him."


"No he keeps following me."




"Well stop looking over your shoulder."


"No listen Saadia. Shut up and listen. Yesterday, I was going into the dining hall, you know, and just as I was entering I heard Tooraj talking to some guy. They were sitting on a table behind the entrance wall, and..."


"Yeah?"


"And he was talking about me."


"Yeah?"


"I mean I don't remember what he said but he took my name saying, "you know that friend of Michelle-- Tania", and then he said he had seen me at Derek's party on Friday and... and he said he thought I was hot."


"What?"


"Yeah. He said he had stared at me and he thought I was sexy. He said he wanted to ask me out but he didn't think I would go out with him. And the other guy-- I think it was Mike-- said that I wasn't all that cute . And Tooraj said "No man, she's hot. You just don't know women.". That's what he said."


"So what did you do?"


"I turned and went out, of course."




"Of course? Tania that ass-hole is ogling at you and telling this Mick or Dick or what, how sexy you are, and--"


"And you want me to go up to him and say--"


"And kick him in the balls. Twice."


"Saadia!"


"Why the hell do you go to these stupid dance parties?" shouted Saadia.


"Saadia, look it was Derek's party and there were nice people there."


"Derek is a moron. All your friends are-- especially that Michelle. If it hadn't been for that pimple-faced bitch you wouldn't be so damned infatuated with Tooraj."


"Oh shut up. I'm not infatuated with him."


"Last week you said you found him attractive."


"Well O.K. but I know he is a creep. He is a slimy frat guy. I can't be infatuated with him."


"Look Tania. No matter how poorly you think of him, the fact is you haven't stopped thinking of him since March. You tell me he's so gross but you also tell me he's very attractive. You say he stares at you but you never miss a single stare either. You know he is a womanizer and a boozer but you're still attracted to him. You said so."


Tania remained silent under the force of her friend's words.


"Now I know Michelle started this," continued Saadia, "and I guess, I guess people do become so attracted to looks that they forget the person"-- Saadia's voice carried a little less conviction than before-- "but--"


"But how can I be so stupid, Saadia? Am I like one of those twits that he goes around with?"


"No Tania, it happens." Again the words were forced. "I mean he is attractive. But I know you will get over it as soon as you see him for what he really is."


"But I know him, Saadia. And still..."


"No you know him through gossip. Do you know what its like being treated by a guy like him? When he stared at you at the party, you know what he thought?"


"Alright Saadia, please."


"He looked-- at,--" but Saadia caught her words.


For several moments neither woman spoke. Then Tania said:


"No you're right. It's all Michelle's fault."


"Yes," said Saadia slowly. She had realized in the middle of her tirade that her noon-clear reasoning was based on a dubious assumption: She had taken for granted that Tania could not possibly have been flattered by Tooraj's remarks. She wasn't was she? "No. Yes. Its all her fault," Saadia said slowly.


"If it hadn't been for her, I wouldn't have thought twice about him."





3. "Tania, Get Out"




Tania is in her floor lounge and Tooraj is kissing the side of her neck. And there are other people in the lounge but no one notices. And Tooraj kisses her neck softly. But Tania stares straight in front of her. She wants to put her hand on his head but she doesn't. And nobody notices. Then there is a fire. The whole dorm. is on fire and people are running. But Tooraj stands next to her. And Saadia is there and she is running out of the building.


"Tania, get out," she screams.


But Tania stands in the lounge. And the fire alarm sounds in the dorm. And Tooraj looks at her and the alarm is louder. She knows he is going to kiss her again. And she is trapped in the lounge and the fire alarm is louder than ever....


Tania woke with a slight start, involuntarily stretched out her left hand and pressed the "snooze" button. For several minutes she lay looking at the window at her side. Dreams were so harshly uncontrollable, she thought. Everyone talked of "dream-like quality" as if dreams are shadowy and evanescent. But no, they are permanent in that they are indisputable. A thought can be fleeting, a word may be misheard, but a dream you've had cannot be denied. She hated dreams. She hated...


Again the alarm went off. This time she switched it off and decided to get out of bed. She paused in front of the mirror over her dressing table. Almost without realizing it, she tilted her head and looked at the side of her neck. Presently, she straightened up, frowned at herself in the mirror, and left the room.




4. "Tooraj Knows"




Saadia stared thoughtfully at the phone. She had called Tania twice in the last hour , only to hear her recorded voice. Saadia's eyes were resolute, her countenance sober. She looked as if she had recently made up her mind about a troublesome issue.


It had been a minor surprise to Saadia that Tania's infatuation had not ebbed away with time. It had been a bigger shock to find that far from turning her stomach, Tooraj's cheap praises had had Tania's heart "looping the loop". To Saadia at least, the response was inexplicable. As far back as she could remember, she had been shy, almost embarassed of her body. At four, she had refused to allow her mother to bathe her. As a little girl she had preferred pants to frocks. All through adolescence, she had walked with a self-conscious hunch of her shoulders. At fifteen she had felt awkward changing in front of her dresser mirror. Her initial embarassment had given way to eventual reconciliation, but she still regarded her sexuality as private and secret. To have a man peer at her person was infuriating. To have him openly praise it was unthinkable. Although she laughed at Tania's discomfort at the thought of marriage (and sharing her bathroom), she probably understood the sentiment better than most women could. And it amazed her that while her friend winced at the prospect of a husband, she glowed under the gaze of a man of many vices and little acquaintance.


However, there was hope yet. She dialed Tania's number again. This time she was in. In a few minutes , Saadia came to the point.


"Er-- Tania, I have been thinking of this whole thing-- about Tooraj," she said, tugging at the phone cord.


"Yeah?"


"Well, I'm pretty sure that he knows you are attracted to him."


"What?"


"Tania. He has looks, he has a BMW, he has all the girls he can handle," said Saadia beginning to wrap the phone cord around her fingers. "Why would he hang around you all the time. You don't encourage him at all. You-- Do you?"


"No I barely say hi to him when--"


"Right. It's obviously Michelle. She has told him--"


"NO!"


"Yes," replied Saadia sharply, twisting the coil more and more around her hand. "She is your friend and she tells you about Tooraj. She is his friend and she talks to him about you..."


"No Saadia, I know Michelle."


"And Tooraj knows about you. Tania, do you really believe Michelle thinks it a big deal to tell Tooraj about you. She isn't from Pakistan. She probably thinks you are stupid not to go up to Tooraj."


"Well she always teases me and tells me to "ask him out"-- but that's just a joke."


"No it isn't. Tania, if Michelle saw a good-looking guy staring at her at a frat party, what would she do?


"I guess she would smile or something."


"She would," confirmed Saadia, her hand inextricably tied up with the cord. "Tania, Tooraj knows. He knows that you don't like his ways. And yet he is attractive to you. And he knows it."


"Oh God. Saadia, are you sure?"


"Just think about it--"


"I'll ask Michelle."


"No! why? She's going to lie about everything."


"How do you know? If she thinks I should date Tooraj and she has told him about me, trying to make that happen, why shouldn't she admit to it?"


"What would you do if Michelle said: "Listen Tania,I told Tooraj that you can't resist him" ?"


"I'd kill that bitch!"


Saadia paused to smile. She allowed the phone cord to slowly unravel itself from her hand.


"Oh God, that creep thinks I like him."


"Knows."


"Oh Gross. That's so horrible. I won't even say hi to that creep," said Tania.


"I won't say anything," she repeated as if repetition would strengthen her resolve.




5. "Go talk to him"




Tania and Saadia sat talking in an expensive seafood retaurant in Copley Place. Tania had arrived in Boston a few days earlier to spend her spring-break with her friend.


Saadia had been disappointed to know that her little scheme to cure Tania of her infatuation had failed. That Tooraj probably knew of her feelings, had had only a superficial effect on Tania. She tried to avoid meeting him in the corridors, catching his eye in the cafeteria or going to parties where he might be present. But she had had far less success in suppressing her attraction than in controlling her daily routine. But while this was a let down for Saadia, it wasn't quite as shocking as before. She was slowly getting used to her inability to regulate Tania's emotions.


"Last week Michelle, Derek, Tooraj and Sarah (that's his new girl), and a couple of other friends went to see Cyrano De Bergerac," said Tania. " And you know Saadia, we keep thinking Tooraj is the womanizer-sort, but his going to the films like this-- with all his friends-- shows something doesn't it."


"Really?"


"I mean, it seems as if he might be quite er-- normal. I mean he goes out with his friends and he doesn't think of making out with this new girl, you know. Not trying to seduce her. Just a movie with a bunch of friends. No booze (Michelle said he only had one beer and Sarah doesn't drink), no trying to get fresh--"


"Tania! What--? If Tooraj kills someone, are you going to say, ’well, he's not all that bad; sometimes he has Kellogg's cornflakes for breakfast, like a good boy'. I mean this is really desperate."


Tania reflected for a moment over her steamed scrod.


"That's just it, Saadia. For some time now, I've been trying to think better of him."


"Tania, you don't know anything about him which isn't repulsive."


"I know, I know. And maybe that is what's making me a little uncertain. I feel as if I'm deliberately negative about him. I've started looking for things that make him seem better, like the fact that he never tried to line me up. And I try to find excuses for those things that make him look bad. I mean I know its ridiculous and I'm just deceiving myself. Its all just wishful thinking. But I can't stop it. I do think this way. I can't help it."


Saadia looked sombrely at her friend. Tania's infatuation had begun to scare her. She had tried to control it, even tried to protect Tania from it. But she realized now that there was no quick remedy for it.


"Tania, I think you should approach him," she said, in a hushed voice.


"What? You can't be serious!"


Saadia nodded her head.


"Tania, you make him out to be one thing one minute, something else the other. You don't know him Tania. Right now you are infatuated with a fictional character-- someone you and Michelle have made up. Get to know him Tania. If he is as bad as you thought, I'm sure your feelings will change. If he's er-- an O.K. sort of a person, well..."


"But Saadia, I'm scared that I'm going to justify and find excuses like I do now. I mean we have never talked properly and, and look at me," said Tania, waving her fork vigorously before her face.


"Yes Tania, but are you the sort who is going to let Tooraj deceive you. Who will let any man deceive you. Any one who is good-looking. Any man who flatters you (or degrades you-- take your pick) with cheap compliments. Do you fall in love with a man simply because he says: "I know women; and you have my seal of approval"."


Tania shuddered slightly and put her fork down.


"Don't worry Tania. You are just infatuated with fiction. When you really see him, it will be different. It will. You should go talk to him."


"I don't know."


"It's up to you."


"No, I see that you're right. At least I'll know how much of a twit I am."


"Come on, Tania."


"No, you're right. I should talk to him."




6. Back Home




Only fourteen days left till the end of the semester, thought Tania as she lay awake in bed. Then she would be home and nothing would matter. No more Williams College. No more.


She fell asleep and dreamt of Karachi, of being back home. She dreamt that she was lying in bed in her air-conditioned bedroom. Her husband sat next to her (somehow she had gotten married). Average height and built, clean-shaven and bald-- a Chartered Accountant. He looked at her and she smiled because she knew he was deeply attracted to her. And Saadia sat on the sofa by the the window, reading the July Cosmopolitan. And Tania smiled at her husband. But then there was a power failure, and the air-conditioner went off. Then Saadia got up and said : "I told you to pay the electricity bill before the end of the semester". And she opened the window. And hot, hot air rushed into Tania's bedroom. And her husband left saying that he was going to sit in the car with the a.c. on. And the hot wind -- full of sweat and scents and stares -- was all around her. And she shouted to Saadia to close the window. But Saadia just said:


"Shut up Tania. Only last month you were dying to get out of ’miserable' New York."