Discovering Ali Hasan

Rehan Rizvi
Feb 18, 1999

Once upon a time, falling in was not that complicated. This story is not set in that time. Instead, it unfolds in
the complexities of the '90s, an age when everything is about making choices, and about costs and benefits. This
story is about the struggle of a college sophomore to come to terms with his past, his present and his future. A
struggle to define and discover himself, his and to discover the burdens of falling in for someone like
him. This story is about me, Syed Ali Hasan Naqvi, a Pakistani-American and a Shia Muslim. A product of both
, where I was born and raised, and the US, where I came with my a few years ago. And this... is
my journal, when once upon a once, I thought I was in . Well, it all began on otherwise an ordinary day in my
life...

11:48 PM, Mon, Jan 24

If I had wished for something else, I probably would have gotten it. Talk about the most unexpected thing that can
happen to someone. That was it! I could not believe it, I still can't. But it did occur and I think it was one of the
rarest times that I will take pleasure in remembering for the rest of my life.

Shanon is her name, I I spelled it right. She was the sole reason that I decided to add the political
class at the last minute, literally. I initially went to observe if Dr. Green was as good a teacher as he was before.
He apparently was not. He was drunk, as I later found out, and I was amazed, not knowing, that he was talking
funny more than one can expect of him. I had added his class but dropped it for some reason a couple of days ago,
but I did go to attend the class any way. May be my sixth sense knew what was coming.

There I was, sitting next to the door as the class was full, I was not at all thinking about adding it, and then she
entered the room. The most beautiful girl I ever hoped to see in my life. She sat a couple of seats away from me
but I could see her clearly from the side. She was the most attractive and fresh face I had ever seen and many
heads were turned to see her more than once. I was at once hopelessly attracted to her as I never had before in
my life to any one. She was taking a 400 level political class, so there was no of her being intelligent,
too. I decided in a fraction of a second and ran for the phone booth just a few minutes short of the closing of the
telephone registration system. It was the last day, but I was able to add the class. She did notice my noticing her.
But I never got a chance to talk to her.

The next meeting was basically a question and answer session between me and Dr. Green, as I was asking and he
was answering, and the whole class listened and took notes. I noticed she had the schedule of classes and a drop
sheet in her hand. I would be very disappointed if she dropped this class, I felt. Earlier, there was that stupid guy
talking to her for no reason. I felt like punching him. How childish of me, I thought. I started contemplating the
merit of whether it was a good idea for me to initiate something the path of which I might not be able to determine.
I decided to stay put for the time being.

After the class, as I chatted with Dr. Green about the world affairs, I noticed Dr. Green had a forgotten hand bag
on his table. I suggested giving it to the campus police and he agreed to drop it off on his way to his office. But
guess what? Twenty-five minutes after the class was over, the door opened and there she came running into the
class room for her hand bag. I don't remember what I said but she seemed in a hurry and just smiled and closed the
door behind her.

Any way, I finally decided to talk to her in the next meeting, hoping that she was still in the class, but the
earthquake hit the city. The campus remained closed for the whole week. In the mean time, I overcame my urge to
see her. Mainly, because I had time to evaluate the whole situation. And some how I was afraid of the unknown.
I'm afraid of only two things in this world: rejection, and insult of my intelligence. The very thought of them makes
me uncomfortable. I knew I was being a coward, but I decided, as I wouldn't know how to deal with a girl as
beautiful as she was, it was better if I stayed away from her.

Today, I went to the class looking like MajnooN, perhaps, mourning the of my heart at the hands of my mind.
But totally unconciously, damn it, I did look for her the first thing when I entered the class and not finding her,
thought that she had probably dropped the class. Who cares? I thought. I found a chair right in the front row, but at
a 90 degree angle to the rest of the class, facing the exit door, where I could see the whole class, and from where I
could talk to Dr. Green rather easily. She entered the class room. I didn't pay any attention, well some, but didn't
care to see where she was going to sit. A few minutes into the lecture, I saw her sitting only a couple of seats to
my left. I cursed my luck.

As I was trying hard to stay focused during the whole lecture, Dr. Green said some very uninformed things about
and I felt that he probably was biased after all. Then she asked a question about the Mideast that turned
me off completely. Well, that and I caught her sleeping earlier. I asked my only question of the day and it took the
rest of the period for Dr. Green to answer it.

At the end of the meeting I went to Dr. Green to chat about something. And suddenly, she and one other lady
came behind me talking about the Iran-Contra affair. A couple of minutes later, I found myself engaged in the
conversation with them. They wanted to ask Dr. Green about it and the background. I answered their question, and
without any intention we started talking about the Iranian . The conversation could have ended there, but,
she started listening with a deep interest. That was one of my weak moments. Apparently, she said she wanted to
know about Iran because her boyfriend was from Iran. I stopped. She looked at me for one second, 'I mean my
ex-boyfriend'. Dr. Green and other people left the room, the lady she was with also left.

And then, before I realized, we were the only two people left in the classroom. We talked about politics, about
where I was from and what she was taking this quarter. She was sitting on Dr. Green's table and I took one of the
student chairs directly facing her. I could not keep my eyes away from her face for even a second. I was talking
from some other mind. My subconcious mind was eagerly trying to freeze her image. The conversation went on for
a few more minutes, but it was getting late. On our way out of the building, she met someone she knew but didn't
stop. Incidentally, she was parked on the same level and so we talked some more until I got to my car. For a
couple of minutes, I just sat there. My heart, back from the dead, and my mind, still trying to keep it down, were
fighting to figure out exactly had happened.

But it all happened so fast, that I was trying hard not to think about it. Finally, my sanity went bye bye and I
decided to make friends with her. I am completely amazed as to what really can happen only if things come
together as they did today. I am looking forward to seeing her the next meeting. But I don't know where it will lead
to. We'll see. I think I'm in .

11:10 pm, Tue, Jan 25

Though my definition for is that it's a long term relationship, in which mutual attraction and understanding
increases with time. Then, why do I think I am in ? Is it because Shanon was in my eyes all day long? When I
went to sleep last night, she was the last image I saw. When I was eating lunch, I thought about her. When I was
reading, I couldn't concentrate. When I was in the lecture hall in the evening, I couldn't hear the teacher because I
was thinking about her. When I came home, I was still thinking about her. If this is not , then someone tell me
what is? Well, someone might say I am infatuated with her. And they may be right. But what in the world is
that? What is the difference between infatuation and at first sight? Or , period? Hmm...even though I
know the answer, I refuse to accept it.

Late Night, Wed, Jan 26

After the last battle in which my mind was successfully defeated by my heart, my mental condition is now
deteriorating. I am feeling very, very angry. And helpless. Shanon did not show up tonight for the lecture. I can't
believe I won't be able to see her until next Monday. I must see her or I don't know what I'll do. I am definitely
going crazy about this whole thing. I didn't know , or whatever it is, could be such a powerful emotion. What
should I do? Where should I go? I am making a complete fool of myself, I know it but I still can't control it. I have
heard that those who learn to control their heart can control the world. Can someone please tell me HOW? I would
ask that person, whoever said that, why if he was ever in ? But I cannot afford a blow to my self esteem. I am
not Romeo, and I don't want to make any mistakes. This is the first time in my life that I feel this strongly about
someone, and I don't know how to proceed.

I think I will have to proceed very slowly and gradually. I may have to wait before I express how I feel about her.
For me, is the meeting of hearts and minds of two rational people. Does has anything to do with
rationality? I don't know. She is so beautiful, like an angel, like a fresh rose. Aah! why did I ever go to that class? I
have to do so much in my life, that if I got involved in this business, I may be stuck before I even began. What to
do? Should I go ahead and risk my future? Or should I try to see if she can become one of my own? Is she
open-minded enough to change? She does belong to a different . Why do we have so many things to
fulfill before we find someone fit to ? And for that matter again, is it or just temporary infatuation?

Am I serious about her? I think so! but what about the cultural and all the other differences? Can a person of her
age change her attitude towards life upside down? May be, may be not. Would she be able to cultivate an
understanding with me that I desire so much? Is it an infatuation of a few moments? Or a first step towards
committing my whole life, the only one bestowed upon us? What is it really that we desire most? Why do we have
desires at all?

Am I going to regret if can't have her???

Of course, but I may not recover from it that easily.

" To be or not to be, that is the question.

Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer

The slings and arrows of this outrageous fortune

Or to take arms against a sea of troubles

And by opposing end them. To die, to sleep-

No more. And by sleep to say, we end

The heartache and the thousand natural shocks

Flesh is heir to. 'Tis a consummation

Devoutely to be wished. To die, to sleep-

To sleep-perchance to dream, Ay there's the rub

For in that sleep of , what dreams may come

When we have shuffled off this mortal coil

Must give us pause. Which gives us respect

For the calamity of so long life. "

--Hamlet




11:39 am, Thu, Jan 27

Today I talked to my best friend Rehan about it. He listened to the whole thing quietly. Then he asked me to define
. I did the best I could. He just sat there sipping his tea. After staring aimlessly in the air for several minutes, he
got up and took out a piece of paper from his stuff. I wrote this sometime ago, why don't you take a look at it first
and then we'll talk, he handed me the paper. I started reading:

is the highest and the most strongest form of emotions. You can't hide it or run from it, if its true . Even
the most rational people, when in , suspend their rational thinking without knowing it. Sometimes, we confuse
with sex, which is only a part of . Other times, we just convince ourselves that we are experiencing .
But when the time comes for the real test, we resolve that has failed us, even though one or more of the
essential ingredients of self-sacrifice, mutual respect, understanding, and common interests weren't there from the
beginning. Sometimes, we consider temporary infatuation as , and when the smoke clears we are left with
ashes. And is also different from friendship. Friendship is a part of , but cannot be interchanged with
friendship.

There's nothing more sweeter than , and there's nothing more painful than . is when you feel like a
sweet pain in your heart, when you think or hear about that special someone. is what you feel like as if a
dagger passed through your heart when you are betrayed by someone you . is never all joy or pain, you
must take the other if you take one. Like you must accept the thorns if you want the roses. Rule of is to open
your heart and forgive and forget anything unpleasant about someone you and never give up on . That's
the only bond that's keeping this world together.

True can only be achieved when people are willing to sacrifice everything they have for each other without
any reservations. Thus, you can gain true only by losing your for yourself and your possessions. Ironic,
isn't it? That's why not everyone can do that. Not many people do that. And that's why we see little skirmishes
now and then even in most perfect . is the bond that is often broken when there's a lack of trust,
and very little communication. But it is sometimes broken because of miscommunication. Often it is broken when
people are unwilling to accept that they might have been wrong, and that they made a mistake at one time or
another. And a lot of time, there was no to begin with. Also, there are certain rules to that you must
follow:


Rule #1: Don't fall in with strangers. Get to know the person first.
Rule #2: Don't fall in with only a part of someone's personality. We all have several different aspects of our
personalities. We get to reveal only one aspect or a few aspects in a given situation and depending on who we are
dealing with. But we never really get a chance to reveal all of ourself to anyone in any given situation in a short
time. Therefore, the rule to follow is to find out as much about as many aspects of the other person's personality as
you can and then you'll know in your heart whether falling in with that person is a wise thing to do.
Rule #3: Don't think about falling in when you are tired, sleepy, under stress, or just not yourself at the time.
We are most vulnerable when we are not in a normal physical and mental state. We could make decisions in such
a situation that we might later regret. Think about how you feel about someone at different times in different
situations, such as when you are at work or when you are upset. Think how that person might or might not react or
fit into the equation.
Rule #4: Be always ready for anything at anytime. Surprises are not always good.
Rule #5: Don't expect a lot from someone, unrealistic expectations lead to dissappointments and dissappointments
are the beginning of any conflict and frustration.
Rule #6: Once you've figured it out that you really like someone. Go for it. There's always a cut-off time when you
put your mind to rest and let your heart take over.


You've never been in ever, have you Rehan? I looked at him with suspicion. Did you even read it? He looked
at me and smiled. Oh, don't give me that! That's all just talk and you know that, I joked. I knew very well that he
had somewhat cleared up my mind about the whole thing. There was a reason that we were friends. I gotta go
study for my class, he left with a profound laughter.

12:15 AM, Sun, Jan 30

Not a day has gone by since the last time I saw Shanon, that I have not thought of her at least several times a day.
With less and less frequency, I might add. What amazes me is the fact that I am beginning to lose that first burst of
excitement that caused my rational mind to shut down. Now that rationality has some how forced it's way in again,
and I blame Rehan for it, (thanks man!) I feel like being decieved, and almost violated by my own self. How's that
possible? Is it because my psychological configuration had lost it's logical sequential thought process because of
outside influences? But why do I have to think in such a complex mechanical way about my being interested in a
girl of a different race, culture and ? What the hell am I trying to do here by contradicting my own self to
my own self? Is it normal? I think it's my critical and rational mind at work again, fighting, as always, with my
consequential, temporary and emotionally normal mind. Whatever it is, I am feeling like being dropped from a cliff
into an abyss. That feeling of being profoundly void of any feeling. Like the silence that roars after the storm has
passed, leaving behind traces of , destruction, and suffering.

I say to myself, why am I always analyzing things? I analyze almost everyone and everything that appears to
influence my thought process in one way or another. I have this illness of questioning the existence of every thing,
being, theory, and even existence itself. Does it make any sense? Does it have to?

I judge things in their own perspective and in their relation to other things. I judge everything and everyone. My
mind is always at work. I sometimes indulge in deep soul searching, by trying to untangle the confusions of my
everyday life, theories, and realities. I apply logic, correlation, prior experience, careful assumption, and a lot of
tangible facts before coming up with a judgment or a theory about something or someone. To me, everything is to
be judged at one time or another, for future reference, or for the sake of it. It helps me define why certain things
appear as they do, and how to react to those things when in need. The person I analyze most is my own self. It's
me that I have to deal with every minute of my life. If I don't pay attention to what I do and think, I cannot take
another step before bumping into the same wall again, if that's the right expression to describe it.

So, as I was saying, my conclusion is that I am probably rejecting my initial response to what I still think is the first
step towards , or if I use the Western term, at first sight. I am, however, probably supressing it because it
feels like such an odd behavior. What everyone else would think? But, my life, as I am being very very selfish here,
after all, is to be lived by me. When the time comes, I deserve to have as my life partner, at least a girl who would
understand me, would share my ideas, my dreams. Compatability is the key to a happy life.

I personally think it's stupid to marry a girl only because she's beautiful, but is different in all other matters of
human interaction. But, I think there's nothing wrong with marrying someone who's willing to change her ways to
adopt new ways. But I also think that it's cruel to change someone in terms of the way she has lived all her life. It's
a different matter that she is so much in that she, on her own, voluntarily would adopt the new ways. Who am
I kidding? Because I also think that it's hard to quit old ways and it doesn't matter whether it's voluntary or not, it's
very hard to adjust to a that requires commitment to different cultural norms. The cultural shock, or clash,
whatever it may be, is of tremendous importance as we are after all human beings.

What really matters is that whether that special girl that I will marry someday, is going to be of my own ethnic
background, someone whom I'll be stuck with if she's not my type, or am I willing to take a risk by finding out more
about Shanon, that, whether she's that special girl.

And if she is, and we do have things in common, and she changes, is it going to be the same as having a girl of my
own background? Is it possible to find someone who'd enjoy Jagjeet and Chitra, Shafiq-ur-Rehman, Ghalib and Ibne
Safi, as well as Mozart, Seinfeld, Shakespeare and Star Trek? Then there are other things. , friends and
relatives are not very forgiving when it comes to that. They have to make sure about things like social class and
status, the background, the right surname, and the acceptable places in the sub-continent that her
must be from. Also, there are cultural and religious norms, acceptance or rejections of which defines a person and
his willingness to continue or reject a certain life-style. The foundation of a is laid upon the shared
experiences and the cultural and religious , they say. The decisions you make about it are so crucial and
definitive for your future that, once you've decided which way you want to go, there's no going back. I will never
abandon my own for anyone. Well, I suppose the burdens of falling in are so heavy where I come
from, that we must forget about it. The emotional cost of alienating the many people you for just one individual
is much more than one can afford. It's a bad economic decision. And it's a bad moral and ethical decision. It's
much smarter to maintain the status quo until an acceptable solution is found.

I guess by doing this analysis, I am trying really hard to minimize the effects of what I'll have to live with from here
on. I am keeping my fingers cross for now. Watching the clock tick it's way through time to a distant and an
unpredictable future. It simultenously requires both patience, and persistence. I have both in abundance.

Late night, Mon, Jan 31

I was looking forward to go to the class but an emergency kept me.

Late night, Wed, Feb 2

All my senses are finally back. I am and I shall be, free. To do whatever I choose to do in my life. It's a relief. But
am I happy? Let's not confuse things again...

File Closed.