Marital Rape is not a crime in Pakistan. A woman has no legal recourse if she is raped by her husband. Not only does marital rape not exist as a crime in our legislation, it does not even exist as one in our imaginations. People have the most misleading and trivialized view of this crime.

Marital Rape! Are these women's activists crazy? There is no such thing as 'Marital Rape'. A man can't rape his wife. Obviously the woman has agreed to have sex if she has married him. She has no choice, our religion and culture says a wife can never refuse her husband. He can't help having sexual desires, she shouldn't have gotten married in the first place if she has a problem with sex. She's obviously frigid or deficient in some way. Maybe she's having an affair or something. God only knows what her problem is!

The depth of popular ignorance about the crime of marital rape runs very deep and it is further convoluted by psuedo-religious and culturally ingrained myths. People are apt to think of marital rape, if they think of it at all, as a squabble in the bedroom. The crime is trivialized to the extent that it becomes an issue of the man wanting sex and the woman being difficult and frigid forcing the poor sex-starved man to compel her to have sex. Poor man!

This is not an issue of 'consent'- marital rape has as much terror, violence, humiliation and brutality that the most graphic stranger rape scenario has.

Among the women who have sought help from War Against Rape(WAR):

One was forced to have sex with her husband who was also sexually abusing their daughter- he would give her a choice of either being raped herself or allowing her daughter to be raped.

One was gang-raped by her husband and three of his friends, who locked themselves in a room with her, raped her, gave her over thirty five wounds and mutilated her private parts with a knife. They left her with the loss of the use of her right hand, the tendons were so badly lacerated. Her children stood outside the door crying and begging the father to stop as they listened to the horrifying screams.

One woman was scared to ever sleep at night, because her husband would burn her private parts with bleach or chili or force himself on her while she was trying to sleep, punishing and beating her when she resisted.

Most of these atrocities are not reported to the Police or in the papers. When they are, the scenario becomes even worse. The SHO, Mairam Qazi of the Women's Police Station elucidated in a meeting with WAR about her methods when confronted by cases of marital violence and abuse. She found it laughable that we even wanted to discuss marital rape, questioning our sanity for considering this a problem. A product of our community, she carried all the misconceptions we as a society uphold. She said that the women's police do not like to interfere in 'gharailoo muslas' of this nature and besides this, her experience was that women usually made all this up anyway.

When asked to elaborate on her methods of investigation in such cases, she said :'First I see the woman alone, calm her down, offer her tea and ask her what the problem is. Then I call in the husband and hit him which is very humiliating for him….. to be hit by a woman. I ask him if he mistreats his wife. He doesn't have the courage to lie to me by then. Usually, it is all a lie and they [the husbands] tell me what the real story is. Then I turn to the woman and ask her if he is telling the truth……usually she says yes, he doesn't mistreat me, I was lying…… They [the women] are usually after some money or something like that. You women's organisations don't realise that women are often very 'chalak' also.'

So if my husband chooses to burn my private parts with chili while I sleep or beats me while he forces himself on me, do I not have the right to refuse? If one day out of his need to control me, he decides to punish me by raping me, do I have to accept? If he repeatedly forces himself on me night after night regardless of what I feel, need or want- regardless of if I am sick, tired, unhappy- regardless of me- do I have to take it? Does this make me a good wife, a good Muslim, a good woman? Do I not have the right to expect Police protection? Does society have the right to try and turn the tables on me- blame me? Is this not an injustice?

The absence of these stories from the conscience of the community results in another misconception. People believe that marital rape does not hurt- that psychologically the woman does not suffer from the trauma that a woman raped by an outsider or stranger does. There is a belief that since the woman has had sexual intercourse with her husband many times before, when he rapes her it is not as traumatic as stranger rape. This logic is based on a fundamental misunderstanding of the trauma of rape in general as well as the trauma of marital rape. Rape is traumatic not because it is with someone you don't know but because it is with someone you don't want, whether a stranger, friend, acquaintance or husband.

Applying this logic, it would make sense then to say that it is not upsetting if your husband slaps your face because he has stroked your cheek so many times! Rape is an intimate violation of a person's trust and autonomy. Prior intimate contact only makes the violation much more so. Marital rape victims suffer from as much if not more trauma than other rape victims. Added to the abuse of rape is the feeling of betrayal, entrapment and isolation.

All victims of rape suffer shame and stigma but few suffer the extent of the isolation that women who have survived marital rape face. Relatives and friends do not want to talk about or know about the problem- most deny that it is one. Families force the women to accept the abuse and stay with the man, often telling her that if she were better, smarter etc. it would not happen- effectively blaming her for the problem. If she dares to leave or stand up for herself, she is branded a 'bad' or in some way defective woman. No police or court affirms the judgment that she has been wronged.

Putting an end to the 'isolation' of the victims of marital rape should be our first priority when we think of this issue. Marital rape has to stop being a non-issue for us as a society. The time has come for us to validate the feelings and needs of the victims of this crime. The time has come for us to acknowledge marital rape as the crime it is and for the perpetrators rather than the victims to be blamed. The time has come for us to acknowledge the need to protect and support these women and not force them to stay in the marriage. When a woman is raped by a stranger, she has to live with a frightening memory. When she is raped by her husband, she has to live with her rapist.

What constitutes marital rape?

It is always defined as marital rape when a husband forces his wife to have sex or perform sexual acts against her will.

It is marital rape when a man tries to punish, humiliate, degrade and retaliate against his wife using sex as the tool of violence.

It is still marital rape when the force may be more restrained, just enough to gain sexual access, but not enough to cause severe injury. The rape motivated by a desire to assert power, establish control, teach a lesson, show who is boss.

It is still marital rape if a woman does not resist anymore. Many times, the woman has never considered that she had a right to say 'NO'. She is taught that she is not entitled to voice her desire or lack of it. She is taught to take abuse and accept force. To the extent that some women accept violence accompanying sex as the norm.